Told I'm a terrible wife

[yoyo456]

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

Anytime anyone mentions 'wife' in this way they mean domestic servant, female who should be meeting sexual / other needs etc.
He doesn't sound like a nice man OP, or more importantly the life partner you deserve or father your children need.
If he can't shape up I would consider leaving him. Life is too short x

Mothered too much obviously... And a Misogynistic t--t.... Please stop allowing that sort of behaviour... Or you will keep getting it... You will feel happier. And this comment is from a male who watched this kind behaviour happen to his mother until he was mature enough to help stop it!!!!

As bad as it sounds you're not equals as he sees you as being there to raise his kids and your 24hour work will never be valued by him. I know exactly where you are coming from. I divorced for that reason and 5 years later we have a great friendship and he has had to value the work i did as the job became his for 50% of the time.
No way was I going to let my boys grow up thinking it was acceptable behaviour to belittle or be belittled.

C**t

For clarity, I'm a man. I would strongly suggest that, the very first time your husband talks to you like that, you pack NOW and LEAVE. I'd be inclined to go via a police station just to give them the heads up as well.

To be honest, you sound like an Amazing wife.
You need to start with tough love with him,he sounds like a petulant child.
You will eventually burn yourself out letting him behave like this, then I can pretty much see him hardly giving shit.
Tell him if he pulls his weight and helps more, then you will have more time to share doing things together.
Please don't make a rod for your own back!

What a terrible husband , where has he made time for you to feel human? To not live in the shadows of being a mother 24 hours a day. The children are both of yours, why doesn't he take the kids to golf and football?Where do you get your hobbies? What an absolute c#&t. My husband would never and has never said that. Jesus my husband has been sick with a stomach bug and insisted on going out to get meds himself because he could see I was having a terrible day with the kids plus my period was killing me... Those were his words to me...I don't want to burden you. Needless to say I told him to shut up and get in bed. He works all hours under the sun and still puts in time with our kids when he gets home. Hardly has any hobbies of his own, does taekwondo from childhood and now our kids do it with him, takes them swimming. Sometimes I feel guilty for only working part time and still stressing on juggling motherhood. I'm not boasting , but telling you for comparison your husband is selfish. tell him being a parent took priority as he forgot he was a parent too and forgot to step up to both being a husband and a parent. Tool.

Hes maybe feeling "neglected" but I think you should turn it and ask him, what exactly does he do for you as a husband? He's gracious enough to let you do the brunt of the childcare, nighttime childcaring, housework etc etc 🙄 But what exactly is he doing to recognise you as a person and what u do to maintain your family life? I think tunnel vision is something men quite easily get when the focus isn't on them

Why are you still with him, OP?

Tell him you're sodding off for 2 nights away and leave him a list of everything you do that he will need to do in your absence to keep everything in order. I assume his arms and legs are in working order...
What a knobend. Do not accept that crap or it will get worse.

Oh I hope this is bullshit, but it's repeated so many times here it probably isn't.
No you aren't a terrible wife.
Yes he is an absolute cunt of a human.
Leave the fucker at the earliest opportunity. You'd still be doing everything for you and DC but not for this misogynistic twat who thinks your job is to clean up his shit and suck his dick.
Put him in the bin and live a much happier life where you aren't criticised for not being able to give more than 200%.

This is not a level argument, this is about your worth as a person, which is non negotiable. Easier said than done just to leave, but put yourself and your own interests first as a starting point. Never engage in this type of argument again, it's a waste of your time and your life - anyone who you need to prove your worth to constantly, especially since you are his wife and mother to his kids, isn't worth your effort.

My response would have been, and what have you done for me as a husband?

Tell him to fuck off - what has he done for you? when was the last time he did 90% of the kids/ house stuff? when did you last have a hobby day?

Its a 50:50 parenting approach and he reduces his hobby time - restate your boundaries and tell him to sort his attitude out!

Sometimes I find it difficult to believe these scenarios are real. Of course he’s an absolute fucking arsehole and why on earth are you enabling all this golf and football shite while you do everything else?? Do yourself a favour and get rid.

This was exactly my thought, @yoyo456 .

Leap on him as he comes in through the front door, drag him upstairs and give him a good ''seeing to''.

See if that makes him less grumpy.

Ironically a woman I know who tried this had her husband say he was too tired!

You are raising his children and doing the lions share of the childcare……that’s what you are doing for him

What is he doing for you?

Get him to do more of the childcare duties then he will fully understand how much you are doing and appretitate you

Wife duties? Your husband is an arsehole. He needs a swift lesson about living in the 21st century, the lazy prick.

The only question is what does he do for you

Can you go away for a week and leave him for a taste of your life and see how he likes it?

Leave him a little note and say how it was sad that he thought he never did anything for him. So now you are giving him an opportunity to get to know his own children better. And an understanding of all the things you do to make his life easier.

Say if you come back it will only be on strictly egalitarian terms.

Your husband is a misogynistic prick.

I'd stop being any type of wife to him.

Immediately.

Twat.

What a top tier man!

Be a good girl, don't complain and cater to his every whim.

Or, have a good, long, hard think about your future and what you envisioned it would look like. Was being an unpaid skivvy part of it?

Or just patio the bastard!!

My gut feeling is this may be an abusive relationship.

That song too much labour comes to mind