Told I'm a terrible wife

[yoyo456]

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

He’s going to be bailing soon. Sort out your finances and make a contingency plan.

His wife doll has broken and he’ll be smashing in his doll house soon.

He’s an idiot.

@arethereanyleftatall

We all should be angry

So we all have to do what you think we should do, rather than taking an option that would be equally effective, but that suits us better? For me, stating clearly how I felt, and then walking away, would do it. But you're saying I shouldn't do that, because you think I should be angry? And OP shouldn't do that, because you think she should be angry?

You don't make the 'shoulds', and there are plenty of other options. Anger isn't a necessity when things don't go the way you want. As I said, you are imposing the only solution you can see, and applying it indiscriminately. Telling someone how to feel is never good advice. It's invalidating, for a start.

@yoyo456 Anger is one of many options. Resecting how you feel is a necessity. It sounds like he's unhappy with you, and you think he might have a point. Is that why you're here? Because you want to be told that he's wrong, so you're allowed to be upset with what he said?

Anger is a lot more healthy and productive than turning it inwards and assuming there's something wrong with you.

Someone who lives the life of Riley and yet says something like this to the person enabling it, is up to no good.

Why are you putting up with this? This guy is taking the piss, and you are letting him. Stop. Just stop.

me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football)

How many hours does he work?

Why are you doing so much more of the chores than him?

What does he do for you as his wife?

What exactly does he want the marriage to look like? You doing everything that you do now, but planning more surprise weekends away for him and giving him more sex?

Save yourself precious years and LTB

Tell him to fuck off, then fuck off some more, then throw a chair at him.

Or, go on holiday for a week and wait for the nervous breakdown.

He needs to get in the fucking sea.

@Watchkeys she has every right to be angry and yes she should unleash her anger entirely on this man. Anger is an emotion that needs release stop trying to subdue it

He's a selfish idiot. Ask him how much free time he gets per week then how much you get.

Why are you doing all the childcare etc when you're both working FT? That has to stop.

OP it sounds like you have both got so bogged down in children and jobs (this happens!) that you have both forgotten why you got together in the first place. Act the moment life is like running a company rather than living in a happy family. You need to sit down together and take stock.

• he needs to be pulling his weight at night (none of this 'DC only wants mummy' bollocks
• you both need a night/weekend day off for hobbies/activities
• you need regular child-free time to be together
• housework needs to be shared or outsourced
• you need to talk together about topics that don't include children or work
• decide who is good at doing what (my DH doesn't do laundry for example but the bathrooms are way cleaner than if I did them!)
• discuss the elephant in the room - sex. Are you making time for it? How often do you BOTH want it?

@bottomsup12

Anger is an emotion that needs release stop trying to subdue it

If you think I'm trying to encourage anybody to subdue their feelings, you have misunderstood. OP, if she wants to be happy, needs, like the rest of us, to respect her own feelings, and not be dictated to by anybody else with regards to how she 'should' feel.

OP hasn't said she's angry, and she doesn't have to be. If she is angry, then advising her to 'unleash' it is as ill advised as suggesting that someone 'unleash' an angry dog. Anger can be communicated calmly, like anything else.

There's some very poor advice on this thread, @yoyo456 , from some bitter people who haven't even asked you how you feel, and still think they know best.

How do you feel? You may well be angry. Or disappointed, or bitter, or... well, how do you feel about the situation? It's probably a while since anybody asked you that!

Why are you putting his hobbies first? Hobbies are usually the first thing to go or be cut right back when a couple have children.

It's unbelievable how thick some men are. Mine is like this. It is literally in front of his eyes how much I am doing and how little (close to nothing) he is doing, but he'll still manage to make me feel bad about the problems in our relationship. It's so ridiculous it makes you instinctively think "maybe it is my fault? He can't possibly be so wrong about this?!" And then you spiral into self-doubt, guilt, just general craziness that you cannot understand.

He is the problem here, OP, not you. There is no reasoning with men like this and you need to make plans to leave him. And only then will he realise what he had and what he is losing.

@WinkyTinky

It's so ridiculous it makes you instinctively think "maybe it is my fault? He can't possibly be so wrong about this?!" And then you spiral into self-doubt, guilt, just general craziness that you cannot understand

This isn't instinctive, though. It's conditioning, usually from our childhood. Important distinction, there, because we can't do much about our instincts, but we can re-condition ourselves. I did. It's life changing. But you have to accept that you've been 'trained' to the degree that your trained responses feel as if they're your nature.

Yes @Watchkeys you're right. I do feel it as an instinct, although somewhere in my brain I know that it's something I've learned. But it's so ingrained, it's very hard to differentiate between the two. It's exhausting.

You don't have to tell the difference @WinkyTinky . You don't have to identify what's going wrong with your processes. You're not 'faulty'. You know how you feel. You know when you don't like something. All you have to do is respect those feelings. It's your brain that's been conditioned, not your feelings. Your feelings are exactly representing you. Practice saying 'I don't like that', whenever you don't like something. Even if you just say it to yourself sometimes. Reconditioning yourself means, simply, learning to take notice of your feelings. So you don't need any 'theory', and you don't need to delve into the past. You don't need to work anything out, and you don't have to understand what goes wrong. Just start right now, and the next time something happens, don't question if you're 'crazy' to feel how you feel: just say to him, or to yourself, depending on what's appropriate, 'I don't like that'.

That's very insensitive of him. Stop doing his laundry, and cook only for yourself and the children.

@yoyo456

Your husband has got it wrong really

By being essentially a shit husband and father

He doesn't help and support you like he should do as essentially marriage is a partnership between two people,

You probably feel understandable so exhausted 😩 emotionally and physically doing the all the home front work,

Where on earth do you get the energy and time to feel in the mood to want to invest emotionally that's required as a couple ?

And why isn't he equally not helping you emotionally aswell as physically to make life easier on the home front too?

Why doesn't he appreaciate you a lot better than he does then?

He sounds like a emotionally man child Prick !

He is coming across strong as an Arsehole too..

Football and Golf. Says it all really. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care.

I stopped reading at this point. Somehow I knew this would be the case. It breaks my heart that so many women value themselves so little and their shitty husbands so much.

Keep putting your children first, but start putting yourself second. Spend the money you used to spend on his 'treats' investing in some therapy to help you understand why you have put up with such a waste of space for so long.

Is this ultimately about sex?
Bet it is.

We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.

Why do you do this, why isn't it 50/50?

Football AND golf! That’s nice. Bet he buys a bike as well.

What a disappointing specimen he is.

A “terrible” wife? I would be incandescent with fury.

How dare he! Is he your boss and is this your end of year performance meeting?

So come on OP @yoyo456 what exactly are you a terrible wife over in his eyes?!