Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told I'm a terrible wife

224 replies

yoyo456 · 15/02/2024 22:58

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

OP posts:
Sunnnybunny72 · 16/02/2024 12:27

Well he's shot himself in the foot hasn't he? Now the marriage is presumably over, I'd be asking him which half of every week he wants sole 24/7 care of his DC going forward.
Make his words come back to bite him.

Topseyt123 · 16/02/2024 12:58

What a wanker!!

He needs to get his head out of his 1950s arse and start treating you with some respect. If he can't do that then the marriage should be over. Actually, perhaps it should be over anyway if he thinks nothing of making such offensive remarks!!

Stop doing all of this stuff for him and enabling him to pursue his football and golf whilst giving you no time to yourself at all.

bringincrazyback · 16/02/2024 13:02

But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him.

And you're absolutely right.

He's a lousy husband. I think if DH treated me that way I would lose all respect for him.

Calderadust · 16/02/2024 13:22

He sounds like a sexist pig and a man baby rolled into one. Why on Earth are you doing all of the childcare and housework when you are both working FT. Maybe you should suggest to him if he wants a little housewife he better start earing triple what he currently does so you can be more attentive... See how well that goes down.

TheDogsMother · 16/02/2024 13:35

FFS this is so sad to read and he sounds like a complete arsehole.

If you decide to continue your marriage then you can say 'thanks for bringing this up H and yes I've been thinking I need to do things differently' then explain how all of the tasks will be split equally from now on and so will hobby time. If you had a bit less to do you might feel inclined to more sex which he is almost certainly angling for.

If you decide not to stay with him you will be a lot less frazzled not having to take care of him and put up with his shit.

Ihadenough22 · 16/02/2024 13:40

Does he not realise that unless your doing all the childcare, house work ,admin ect he could not do his football and golf. At this stage your physically and mentally exhausted and he is telling you that your not a good wife.

You need to tell him that you had enough of doing everything and he to start pulling his weight. That means his activities the golf and football are cut back and he shares the load of childcare, cleaning ect as your no longer doing it all. It means as well that he spends more time with his kids and as they get older you go places as a family.
I would also tell him that your going to go out 1 night a week and have a Saturday off each month so he needs to mind the kids then.

I knew a woman in your position a few years ago and her husband still expected time for his running and cycling. They had 3 small kids and she told him to grow up because she was not doing it all. He had to start pulling his weight and it got easier as the kids got older. They also got a good babysitter so they could have time as a couple.
Another couple I know paid for a cleaner twice a week for a few hours and they did a lot of the washing, ironing ect.

It not easy when your both working full time and have small children. He has to realise that life has changed and complaining that your not a good wife is not helping especially when he is still acting like he single with unlimited free evenings and weekends.
If he continues to be like this I be gathering up all the financial details and getting a solicitor advice re a divorce.

C00k · 16/02/2024 13:48

Your life would be better, happier and easier if you divorce your utterly pointless misogynist of a bloke. The man is a deadbeat, adds to your workload and parasitically uses your labour to enable his easy life.

It’s really sad that you’re allowing this, your kids will think this is normal, and acceptable. You can start the divorce, you don’t need his permission.

MrsKintner · 16/02/2024 13:58

What on earth have I just read?
@yoyo456 why have you decided to do all the childcare, night times and housework while also working full time??
And then you're buying this useless man treats and putting his hobbies first too Confused

TheBayLady · 16/02/2024 14:07

I hate to be blunt but you are leading the life you have sown. Why on earth are you doing everything whilst he swans about living the life of a single man. You are at the point where you need to sit down and tell him he does 50% or leaves. You have married a pig, if he won't change you need to ask yourself what you want to do about it. If you move on, please when you start a new relationship don't run round after him to make yourself irreplaceable.

Nicole1111 · 16/02/2024 14:07

Strike strike strike strike strike.
Keep doing what you need to for your little ones but stop anything for him. If he wants food tell him to help himself. Don’t do a food shop for adult food though just hide some food for yourself and get a loaf of bread in so he’ll have to do a shop if he wants it. Don’t pick up after him and let rubbish accumulate in areas like next to his bed etc. Stop doing any washing for him immediately. When he questions it point out he said you didn’t do anything for him so he shouldn’t have noticed any difference.

CurlewKate · 16/02/2024 14:10

Tell him from me he's a dickhead.

GoldDuster · 16/02/2024 14:18

A terrible wife?

I'd spend a few weeks showing him exactly what a terrible wife actually looks like while getting a divorce in motion.

If you need to hear it from someone, you are not a terrible wife. He is an absolute joke of a husband and father.

Patrickiscrazy · 16/02/2024 18:06

Twat.

aloris · 16/02/2024 18:35

When was the last time he did anything for you? He sounds like a terrible husband and father.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/02/2024 18:43

Wow, he sounds like a total arsehole!

What does this prince actually bring to your life?

You sound like a brilliant partner and mother struggling through an unmanageable workload lumped on you by a man who is a shitty partner and father.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/02/2024 18:45

I think, if you aren't going to ltb, then you'd probably have to both commit to a more equal share of work - he should be doing half the childcare and half the housework since you both work full-time. I can't see any argument for him not!

BCBird · 16/02/2024 18:45

My question is that as many others have asked, what does he do for u? Why can't he organise childcare and surprises?

Stompythedinosaur · 16/02/2024 18:46

If he won't do that (and I guess he won't) then he's telling you clearly that he doesn't love you or your dc. Which is shitty, but better to know.

Victoriancat · 16/02/2024 18:46

He's basically saying he wants an exciting shag and expects you to be a porn star as well as a mother.

Doteycat · 16/02/2024 18:54

Gosh that must be awful for him. Having a terrible wife when hes clearly so deserving of an amazing one.
Id be telling him hes right, im awful, you should leave.
And pack his fucking bags. Like a good little wife.
Your husband is a cunt. Id be a terrible wife too if my husband was a cunt. He soon find out how terrible i could be.

Suffolker · 16/02/2024 19:03

I’ve never felt the need to say this on here before, but you can be the lucky recipient of my first ever ‘LTB’

Isthisasgoodasitis · 16/02/2024 19:04

yoyo456 · 15/02/2024 22:58

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

Sounds like my husband … some men have no idea how well their breads buttered ….

C00k · 16/02/2024 19:04

@yoyo456 ?

Essie66 · 16/02/2024 19:06

When my ex husband said this is was cheating with another married person who obviously knew how not to prioritise her own children and family. I was also told if I hadn’t been as good as a mother, he probably wouldn’t have cheated. 🙄 OP, you deserve so much better than this, so do your children.

Essie66 · 16/02/2024 19:07

Golf seems to be the hobby of the awful man!