Told I'm a terrible wife

[yoyo456]

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

He sounds like a taker. Take,take,take.
What's he giving to you and your family? Think about it. And perhaps mention he's a crap dad AND husband.

He sounds utterly vile.

A complete man child.

Just stop doing things for him. Maybe he will appreciate you more then.

You also need equal amounts of hobby time. If he is doing golf and football every week and you are getting no downtime, he is taking the piss

I will never understand these set ups, but it’s sadly very common nowadays.

This is “equality” for some men. “Letting” their partners work outside the home and do all the domestic stuff. It’s wild.

I suggest you stop doing all the things you currently do for him then see if he still claims you do nothing for him

Unfortunately I’m not allowed to write what I would have said to my husband had this been said to me!

I heard a term recently that perfectly describes the behaviour of partners who do nothing - “Weoponised incompetence”.

Early in the relationship they feign tiredness or helplessness and say they don’t know how to do the tasks or are busy. They might be shown what to do and left with it but they deliberately muck up and get stuff wrong. The other person then gives up and does everything. Later on if the other partner then pushes back because they’ve reached their limit, they are made to feel they are being difficult by asking the load to be shared. It’s a very difficult dynamic to change once it’s been happening for a few years and after the first child unfortunately.

Does he need to work very long hours or does he choose to, to avoid the boring child care and household tasks. Which he then avoids further doing his hobbies. Lots and lots of people do. They are mostly men.

I'd be telling him to fuck off.

What are "wife duties"?!

Same, I did all the chilcare for 3 kids, chores, admin so that he can go to gym and pubs after work, he hardly see the kids during the week. My lack of availability to hang out with him due having to look after our kids made me "boring".

I will start looking at going back to work op, this is the only way for him to take some parenting responsibilities.

I wouldn't wait passively for the converation to 'arise again.

You do the lionshare of leeping top of the house and children, while working FT.

He gets lots of social time while you're worked into the ground by the sounds of it.

Yet HE has the cheek to accuse YOU of not pulling your weight! I'm utterly appalled at his lack of insight, his selfishness, arrogance and good old fasjion mysogeny.

When did HE last treat you? Tell you how grateful he is for all you do for him and for your joint children? Thank you for keeping on top of life for him? Feeding him? Keeping his home clean and his children safe and happy?

The division of labour in your home is very unfair. It all seems to be on you.
And then your husband thinks you should do MORE. He thinks you should show him your appreciation more. Appreciation for what exactly? Living exactly the life he wants, free of parenting and housework and cooking?????

HE should be showing you his appreciation. He should be doing his fair share of the parenting and housework. If anyone should be treating anyone in this scenario, it should be him treating you.

I couldn't respect someone as self-centred and illogical and arrogant as him. I wouldn't want to stay with them. He's shown you that he thinks your life should revolved around him. He should get as much down time and fun as he likes. You should do all the work. He has no responsibilities beyond working and having fun. What a selfish, immature man.

I think some men are just so utterly clueless about how much work goes into running a household and raising children 24/7. I’m not excusing them - it’s absolutely infuriating the entitlement and misogyny build into them. And you work bloody full-time too! He really needs his eyes opening. I would write out a very comprehensive list for him.

All the things I do for you:

• I work full-time to do my share to provide finances for the family
• I do my 50% of housework and also do your 50% on top for you
• I do my 50% of parenting, plus I do 40% of your share on top for you
• I look after the children solo outside of our working hours for you, so that you have free time to play golf and football
• I make dinner for you every night
• I wash your laundry for you
• I buy you little treats
• (Add as many additional points you can think if that you do that he doesn’t, eg I’m guessing you organise all birthday presents/cards for his side of the family, organise and plan all family activities and holidays etc)

Now ask him seriously to take a little time by himself and write out two lists. One list should be a bullet point list of all the things he does for you, as a husband. We all know there will be a lot less bullet points than yours, hopefully this will give him a moment to reflect on that.

The second list should be all the things he thinks you should be doing as a wife, that you aren’t. On top of the list you have already written him. If he comes back with a list (and if any of them are reasonable requests) then he needs clearly pointing out that you don’t have time for sex/surprises/pandering to his ego because you are so physically and mentally exhausted from all the extra you are already doing to facilitate his easier life. If he did his fair share of parenting and housework then you would have spare energy to work on your marriage.

My guess is that he already knows all of the above, he would refuse to even attempt writing the list of what he does for you, and he is a sexist wanker who thinks that you should work full-time, do all the housework, all the parenting, have no free time yourself, have his slippers laid out at the door ready for him, make him a packed lunch every day with little hidden love notes of your declarations of love to him, and then every night dress up in sexy lingerie and heels, do a strip tease and suck his dick ……….. all because you are so grateful to be married to the absolute prize of a man he is.

I have no idea why women tolerate this.

That’s really sad that you’re going to continue serving your vile bloke, OP. Your kids will think misogyny is normal, aspirational.

He is awful op I'm afraid.
No non awful man would say what he said, even if it is only a snapshot.
To say that, means he is utterly oblivious to the massive amount of work you have to put in, because he doesn't. That is fundamentally selfish. No two ways about it.

And. It's highly unlikely he 'works' long hours. He may well be 'at work' long hours. At my work, at clocking off time, 80% of the blokes who are 'working late' just chat, mess around and drink tea, arseholes leaving the grunt work to their wives.

What he said is, in my view, unforgivable under any circumstances OP. You now know how he thinks of you and I suggest you think deeply and carefully about what you think of him. And what that means for your and your family's future.

Please don't just let this lie. There is a lot wrong and you know it. Make a plan to get it sorted, and if it can't be sorted then a plan for your next steps. Good luck.

U fortunately some men feel inadequate when they have a wife who 'does it all' and very efficiently. They become petulant and jealous and seek ways to undermine you, and because they can't pull you up on anything else they want you to feel insecure and attack you for not paying them enough attention or pleasing them sexually at the drop of a hat.

Thankfully it's only a minority of men so you will be fine if you dump this one and find a much better one of which there are many.

What a complete and utter arsehole. He is a shit husband and father, he's selfish and expects you to do it all, and has the audacity to complain that you're a shit wife

You do almost all the parenting, all the night wakings, all the household chores (😱) and he does... what? Works the hours he wants and plays football and golf? Seriously?!

You need to have a long hard think about why you're accepting this.

Jesus Christ!

I am so angry on your behalf! What does he do for his family?! He sounds like a selfish twat

I think I’d take myself away for the weekend op if my dh said this to me. Just tell him to watch the dc for a bit while you nip out to the shops on Friday night and have a bag ready in the car and don’t come back for at least a few days - you can send a text telling him you are fine - and make sure he is on his own with the dc for all of Saturday and Sunday and at least a few weekday mornings.

I wouldn't wait for the conversation to arise again.

Because he's wrong. You do the lionshare of housework, life admin and parenting.

He doesn't value what you do. He doesn't appreciate what you do. He doesn't respect your contribution. Worse - he thinks you should do more.

What does he do for you? If his one answer would be 'I go to work and bring in good money'. OK - that is something he brings to you and the family. Presumably he also enjoys what he does, or gets satisfaction and reward from it. But what does he do for YOU?

Why does he think you should work harder than him? Why does he think you should do all you do, and then on top of that, do special things for HIM? Why does he think you should show appreciation but he doesn't have to? Worse - why does he think you should be grateful and show appreciation, whilst he can insult you and overlook all you do?

I was angry reading your post. If my DH said those things to me, when I was working like mad to make life better and easier for him, I'd be angry and upset that he thought so little of my work and me, whilst being so entitled he thinks he's due something more.

He'd be in for such a shock if you split. I wonder how long he'd last without someone to clean up after him, cook his meals, if he had responsibility for the children 50% of the time, if he had to do his own life admin, shopping, laundry.... I suspect you're much more capable than him of doing 'life'.

I promise he’s not awful

I promise he is…

I'm leery of someone saying they do 100% of whatever in a relationship. My wife likes to say I never or I always when she's upset and it is always completely false. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way excusing your husband's behavior/words but it sounds like you could use marriage counseling