I’m really sorry OP but you can’t promise he is not awful, because
unless there is a massive drip feed coming,
or you’ve failed to mention all the praise and appreciation he gave you for all your doing right now,
or he actually didn’t say “you’re doing a terrible job as a wife” and instead said something grown up like: “I really miss the intimacy we shared before we had the children, would you be up for leaving them with X relative for a night if I make all the arrangements so that we can spend some time reconnecting?”
And followed that suggestion up with the words “of course, if you want to use that time just to sleep and eat room service for 24 hours that’ll be fine with me”…
Unless any of the above are true then his behaviour IS pretty awful.
The fact that you’re defending him and feel you need to stand up for yourself more, is 🚩 🚩for you having already been brainwashed into thinking that he is entitled to do whatever he wants while all the stress of family life is heaped on your shoulders, which is also demonstrated by the fact that you’re facilitating his hobbies and social life in the way you describe.
I bet you partly feel you have to do this because he tells you that it was you who pushed to have children and he always said he wasn’t fussed, or some version of that old chestnut.
You say you hold down an intense full time job - you’re smart, right? so what are you THINKING being with a man who clearly believes that his needs should be your number one priority and isn’t afraid to tell you so in the rudest way imaginable, which also demeans you and everything you are doing in your life and home?!?!
Is this what you want your children to see and learn?
I sincerely hope what he has said is just about him getting laid and is not
a) a prelude to him trying to pressure you into leaving your job on the basis that you’d have a lot more time to fulfil his needs and be ‘less stressed’ if you were focused on him and raising his children; or
b) a prelude to him leaving you high and dry when you discover that ‘golf’ is code for ‘shagging my assistant’.
Seriously lady - think about what you are worth because it is clearly more than you’re getting. I am sorry to be harsh about it, but it doesn’t sound as though you are trapped in this relationship due to finances or a massive power imbalance. It sounds as though you’ve entirely forgotten (which parenting/working/sleep deprivation and a shitty relationship can easily cause) that you are, in fact, a GO-GETTER who has OPTIONS and the ability to be self sufficient. You are NOT some downtrodden 1950s housewife who ‘needs’ to be schooled by her husband. Is this what you’d expect your daughters to tolerate, or your sons to do?!
Do not under any circumstances be persuaded to jack in your job/reduce hours etc etc. Take responsibility for contraception. Make sure that you are not in the position of not knowing what your joint financial status is. (I assume if you’re married that money is joint and your name is on the house etc etc). He just showed you who he is in a big way, and I bet it’s not the first time he has waved the 🚩.
Do NOT go along in a daze due to lack of sleep and general overload, thinking your husband has anything approaching your best interests at heart (or even that they are on his radar), and then get blindsided when he crosses the line.
Oh hang on - too late… 🤦
PS I really hope he earns a shed ton of money and you, at least, have a lovely lifestyle while you figure all this out…
PPS At some point in future you’re also going to want to remember the title of this book:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.