Told I'm a terrible wife

[yoyo456]

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

Tell your husband we all said he’s an arsehole.

Fucking hell. LTB.

What a prick. Men, a never ending pile of garbage.

This will 100% be about sex. What is your sex life like?

I'm afraid I come here sometimes just to appreciate how lucky I am being single.

Does he mean you don’t have sex enough? Or you you entire focus isn’t on him anymore. Or both?

I wonder has he thought about what he has done for you lately?

or that of you weren’t doing most of the housework and childcare, the situation might be different.

He sounds like a prick

Your husband is an idiot. I bet his excuse to do nothing at home is because he is tired of working. Well, tell him working is a complete difference thing that nurture, and nurture is a complete different thing than cooking etc.

Sounds like the line my ex spun along with some other absolute classics of made up seeds of woe so he could spin it all on me when he got caught out cheating and claim he'd warned me of the issues and why was I hurt/surprised (at the cheating that had started before his revelatory nuggets).

This all happened in a span of time covering a very worrying process of tests then surgery for me which, rightly, made me worried as hell and also not well enough to do much at all (sex) but of course I should have still been able to be absolutely the same (have sex) as before throughout all this and not affected him or our relationship in any way (by still having sex).

OP you sound amazing. You deserve better.

Why are you doing all these things for him? Why isn’t he sharing the load? Why has he got all this time for hobbies when you’re exhausted?
What is the point of him?
He sounds awful. Really awful.
I’d seriously be rip roaringly mad at this and tell him to f**k off.
Stop doing his washing firstly! If he thinks you’re a bad wife then stop all the stuff you do. And ffs go and do something for you when he is playing golf ffs! He can take the kids with him.
Seriously. Get up on Saturday.
wrote him a note and leave him for a day with the kids and switch off your phone.

Op, I started an almost identical thread on here, valentines day 2009.

I didn't believe what people were saying in the replies, and I hung on for another 13 years before I finally had a breakdown and saw the light.

If he cared, he would share the load, not criticise, take care of you too. Please keep your eyes open.

Wow, he sounds like a real catch 🙄

How many hours drudge work do each of you do?

How many hours free time do each of you get?

You need to have a very frank conversation with this prince among men.

What makes him a fabulous husband then? What does he do for you?

Unbelievable. What, specifically, does he want you to do on top of what you're already doing?

I'd be immediately stopping everything I did for him - cooking, cleaning, tidying, putting his stuff (shower gel, deodorant etc.) on the weekly shop, not being available to look after the kids when he wants to do his hobbies.

What a wanker.

And he'd certainly be a wanker from then on as I definitely wouldn't be finding that attitude a turn on.

He's a terribly selfish husband and father.

He means he wants more sex, doesn't he.

It would be tempting to stop doing things for him, and when he asks why you're not cooking his dinner, just telling him you're really busy working on a surprise for him because he said you didn't do enough for him.

But it's not advisable. Do you actually want to stay in a relationship with a man who expects you to do everything, then complains that you don't do more, @yoyo456 ?

barkymcbark · Yesterday 23:19

I'm presuming he takes you away for a surprise weekend, maybe books you into a spa day with a friend whilst he takes the kids off your hands for the weekend. Or maybe he comes home with flowers and chocolates, runs you a bath and cleans the house whilst you have a soak?

Or maybe he's a selfish arse who needs to get his head out of the 1950s and actually treat his wife with some care and respect.

You reap what you sow!

This ^^

though sounds like what he really means is that despite you doing absolutely everything and him being a misogynistic prick the little man wants a blow job and more sex on top of all your other responsibilities. Fuck that shit.

turn it back on him-you’re a terrible husband.

Yep

I would bet my life that this is all about sex.

Stop doing what you do for him now and see what he says.

I would honestly leave him for a comment like that because it shows he does not appreciate ANYTHING you are doing.
You are wearing yourself out for nothing.
When you leave him he will have to pick up all the slack when it's his turn to have the kids and his eyes will be opened.
This is infuriating OP you really need to kick him to the curb.
At the very least divide the household chores EVENLY and say fuck it I'm not wearing myself out for you anymore because it's making me knackered for no appreciation

Oh for gods fucking sake.

Your husband is clearly a selfish arsehole, and your fucking query with others is what are you doing wrong?!?

I could shake you op.

You have no more to give. How dare he? How fucking dare he?

He's one of two things. Spectacularly dense. Or selfish. Probably both.

The way to deal with this op is to get really really angry with him. He is the one who is completely out of order, not you.

Fairness if you both have full time jobs is to half everything else - half all the jobs, and half all the spare time for hobbies. If you aren't doing that, why on Earth not?

@arethereanyleftatall

The way to deal with this op is to get really really angry with him

No, that's not good advice in any situation. Communicate clearly, yes, and allowing yourself to feel angry, yes. But 'getting angry with' someone isn't a healthy way to get results. You sound like you're passing your own feelings on through your post, which sounds angrily written.

@Watchkeys
I am angry about this. I'm angry on behalf of the so so many (far too many) women who tolerate appalling selfish husbands, because they've been so downtrodden by life that they think it's normal. We all should be angry about this because whilst the circle goes on, our own daughters then are surrounded by these terrible selfish men. Being angry about something doesn't mean shouting and swearing, it means making sure the other person 100% understands their awful behaviour is not acceptable. The op has clearly been far too passive in this relationship and it has resulted in this horrible man trampling all over her. So I stand by it. She needs to find some anger. This is not acceptable.

So divide all the household duties and childcare duties between you and have equal leisure time.

Then you can be "the wife" he wants, what is that by the way?

Oh op, you sound like an amazing person.

Imagine how you would feel if for the next 18 months your husband did all the night wakes, housework, life admin cooking cleaning and parenting, prioritising your hobbies every single weekend. Would you call him a terrible partner?

he sounds like a really selfish person and you don’t deserve to be used and criticised like this. there will be another reason why he is saying this to you, and whatever it is, it is not your fault.