Told I'm a terrible wife

[yoyo456]

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

What are wife duties? Is there a list, I’d love to know how much I’m behind in my duties.

Agree - what does he do for you? My DH worked while I was a SAHM so I did do most of the childcare and admin - but he pulled his weight with the kids when he was about, and also did all the car maintenance, lawn mowing, log chopping etc etc '('mans' work) so he wasn't idling about while I did stuff.

But if you are both working full time you should be sharing all the chores. He sounds an entitled shit, unless there's more to the story. Perhaps he spends hours doing all your non-child related life admin?? Although hard to see how that equates.

But either way he's a slimeball to speak to you like that. And assuming he was referring to sex - he's completely out of order given how parents' lives change when the DCs arrive..... LTB is extreme - but might be something you want to consider?

Of course he wants more sex. Send him the news articles about the study that husbands who shared the housework load tend to get more sex. Tell him you will feel happier if he shares the load and indirectly this happiness will benefit both of you in synergy.

Anecdotally though, I know a few families with 6 + children. One pattern that I see is that the husbands are very hands on and involved with the caring and housework. It’s out of necessity of course but I am willing to bet they were already like that as a couple when they first started their families. There seems to be a strong sense of teamwork in those couples. It’s lovely to see.

Even worse, OP is also working full time too!

The next thing you should "do for him" is to hand him divorce papers. He isn't going to change his mind in thinking that you don't do enough for him. Get your "famous" ducks in a row and take the kids and go.

@yoyo456: Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?

Isn't the automatic response to say that on the same basis he is a terrible husband and ask when was the last time he did anything for you? Sounds like he hasn't done much for you since the last time he treated you to a night with him that ended in DC2!

Or does he consider offering to let you blow him gift enough???

😂

OK, you say you want feedback... There are 3 sides to every story. Yours, his, and the truth.

If your side is honestly 100% correct, please tell the silly man where to stick it (my partner has said similar to me before; my strategy was to INSIST that if he wants a Stepford Wife, I shouldn't have to work full time, which ended the conversation forever).

His side... Have you actually spoken to him and gotten his side/perception, in full detail? What you are not doing, very specifically (I see many posters mentioning sex and that is probably part of it)? Do you both need to sit down and discuss solutions, like booking a night away from the kids each month for example, if that is genuinely his need? Can you two as a team physically and fiscally facilitate this? Or will he agree his argument falls flat under scrutiny and he's being unreasonable?

None of us can speak to the ultimate truth of your situation... but you haven't mentioned that you'd written on Mumsnet previously that this man was a problem- until he told you you were the problem. Have you been bottling this up over time? Obviously, the way you've phrased it, no sane human would say YABU. So I'm going to assume you want a vent more than feedback because you know he's being a fool.

FT job and you're doing 90% of the lions share? I'd be dropping that down to 50% for a start!

Exactly this. If you let yourself be walked on to be nice, it won't stop. My DW was v tolerant of my hobbies but we both worked full time and split child care in early years. Your situation would've led to early divorce and rightly so. Not saying it's easy to put yr foot down but you'll have to do it if you want not to be resentful forever.

Wife duties-is that manspeak for sex?

I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first.

Wtaf is this?

What does he do especially for YOU?
You do plenty for him, doing all the work so he has plenty of time for hobbies (which is outrageous btw).
And plenty of time to feel sorry for himself. And he wants MORE from you?!

Fuck that guy.

Sex. yes that's a full stop :)

My god, what more does he want. You sound like an amazing wife doing more than your share. He is being a dick, where is your free time? Does he go out and get thoughtful gifts?
You may not organise weekends away together but guess what he is a parent and those are limited unless you have a good support network who won't mind looking after the kids.
Jesus... He does not know how good he has it.

I don't understand why you are putting up with this. And then questioning if you are a terrible wife? He's really done a number on you. I'd be putting some really firm expectations of him in place, stepping up on childcare, equal free time and 50/50 on household chores. You know acting like a decent adult. If he doesn't change I honestly couldn't put up with this shit.

You may or may not be a terrible wife but he sounds like a truly godawful husband and all-round general human being.

'wife duties'?
He can be fed to pigs on this alone.

My husband said the same thing, we had a business I had a job and cared for the kids. He basically wanted me to cook for him, wash his clothes do all housewife stuff plus everything else. So... I quit my job. Now he seems fine so quit your job and be the housewife he wants to take care of him.

@TiredOfTHECHANGE Just brilliant 😂

CALLING @yoyo456 !!!! ARE YOU COMING BACK?!!

I think you say it’s time for him to actually be a dad, and you go out for many hours on Saturday and again on Sunday leaving a message saying ‘children should be in clean clothes washed entertained and fed healthy meals and entertained while the house is also tidied. Don’t expect gratitude for being a dad and apparently cooking that meal for your spouse too and washing their clothes is parenting too so don’t expect gratitude for that either. I thought it was love for your partner but i have recently been clearly informed that’s not true and that’s made me realise I’ve been blocking you from being a dad instead of giving you the love I thought I was, from now on expect me to be out every Saturday and several weeknights, I am also out tomorrow (Sunday). If that isn’t convenient for you perhaps you should have valued your wife more.’

i would take this bullshit nuclear and not back down. A man who doesn’t think we are equal is not good enough to be my husband anyway. What a piss taker, find your rage op, burn it cold and start looking after yourself. Do not prioritise him for one more minute than he prioritises you, which is zero minutes.

He is a prick and the division of labour in your house is mad. I'm in awe of your competence though- I'd be a weeping mess if I tried to do everything you're doing.

Well. Since he doesn't actually appreciate you doing most of his share of chores and childcare as doing anything for him, he will be happy to do his half again won't he? And then that will free up some of your time to improve your widely duties of surprise gifts, impromptu dates and sex (or planning your escape from this idiot who appears to bring nothing to your life other than criticism).

Alternatively you can tell him that if he really believes that, then a trial separation sounds like a good idea. He can see the kids every other weekend and Wednesday evenings. I bet your life would improve

What utter bullshit.

Why on earth are you doing all housework etc when you work full time?
Please value yourself more- you deserve to be treated as an equal partner not a slave

Well you've found yourself quite the catch.