I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

Sorry, but she sounds horrible and the parents need to be told. Bring them onto Mumsnet and we'll tell them for you.

The toilet thing is the worst kind of bullying imaginable and to her own DGM? I am so very sorry you have had to put up with this and cannot imagine any parent not insisting that she lets you go first. They can see what she's doing. Pathetic.

I would strongly recommend telling your DD that you would love to see her and her family but only somewhere other than your house or their house, which reduces your DGD's control and keeps your pets safe. If your DD asks why, tell her the truth and don't mince your words. "Nasty", "mean" and "little bitch" do not sound too strong to me.

She's going to be a serial killer by the time she's 20, I'd walk away now.

I think you need to speak strongly to your DD for your DGD’s sake as well and tell her she is deliberately and actively preventing you from toileting yourself and it needs to be addressed.

Going to toilet is a basic human need and a requirement of staying independent in one’s own home, which is critical for someone in your situation.

I have practiced gentle parenting myself when the kids were young but would not stand for something like this.

Does your DD actually know that you have wet yourself several times due to DGDs behaviour?

You know sociopaths are born and not made, right?

This went through my mind.

I wondered what the child's father was like - there could be a genetic component.

Edit for spelling

Same.

Your granddaughter just sounds like a mean spirited child unfortunately. Likely will get worse as she becomes a teenager, possibly turn into a bully. (Also echoing precious posters. Her cruel nature and how she is with animals made me think of sociopathy/psychopathy).

She sounds awful. She is bullying you and enjoying it.

I would be wondering if there is more going on here than a lack of firm boundaries.

I am really sorry. Definitely say ‘no’ to visits and babysitting at the moment - you have to out your boundary in now

Father was an anonymous sperm donor at a clinic. Are they screened? I don't know how it works.

Dear OP, I see your conundrum, and I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have three adult children but no GC yet and am surely looking forward to that, but your post scared me a little. To be honest with you, this set of behaviours you are describing are very disturbing. I am not a psychologist, but she is being mean to you, to the animals and her friends, and this is not a typical nine-year-old girl behaviour. I would have serious conversation with your daughter and suggest that she takes her child to a psychologist.

As for your visits, perhaps tell your daughter that you are not comfortable babysitting, but continue visiting when your daughter is around.

You need to stop babysitting and they need to start parenting - tell them that

This just makes her treatment of you and others all the worse Op - and all the more reason to not babysit. Sorry she’s like this to you. She sounds very unpleasant.

Also I’ll prob get ridiculed for this given she’s horrible to humans too but I always think children who are cruel to animals is a big red flag. Not sure what for - maybe just growing up into an unpleasant adult?

Right, this could be critical info.

This child clearly has issues that need working on. Possibly connected with father being absent. She will need some kind of therapy or counselling.

Yes they are, at least the clinic I know about conducts a wide range of medical tests on potential donors including mental health.

You DGD sounds like a sadistic sociopath. No one needs 20 minutes on the toilet - is she trying to make you wet yourself?

It sounds like a very painful dilemmal. Have you considered writing your DD/DGD a letter?

DGD sounds like she might benefit from counselling.

It’s actually make me feel emotional - she sounds like an obnoxious two faced brat. Maybe you could show your daughter this thread?

It sounds to me like she has a personality disorder of some kind. Cruel adults were usually cruel children so I find her behaviour and character very disturbing. I brought up two boys as a single parent and not once did I ever have to deal with disrespect to an adult or cruelty to an animal (a particularly big red flag).

I really feel for you. Your daughter needs a bloody good talking to, her parenting is atrocious.

I would not be visiting until she behaved. That is appalling bullish behaviour and needs nipping in the bud.

Please stop babysitting immediately, her behaviour is both shocking and cruel. Your daughter needs to address the fact that her daughter finds it funny to humiliate her disabled grandmother.

She’s a bully, plain and simple.

Whilst your dd might be able to modify some of dgd’s behaviour, she’ll still be a bully.

don’t really know the solution. A 9yo who races a disabled person to the toilet and lets them wet themselves has something wrong with them. Something not fixable.

Sociopathy, psychopathy and/or narcissism wouldn't necessarily show up on mental health screening. In fact they are traits which often lead to professional success in many areas including medicine (especially surgery), banking and politics.

On paper the donor could look ideal.

Very true. I don’t know the ins and outs of the testing.

OP, this is horrible, you are essentially being bullied by a 9 year old and ger mother us doing very little about it.

If she treats adults like that, how much she treat the sheer, quieter children in her glass.

I do agree that often there's a reason behind such awful behaviour and she's reacting to something that she isn't happy with.

You mention her mum being a doctor. I could be wrong but does her mum work a lot and she us being babysat by you as a result. Maybe her issue isn't with you per say but just to the fact she resents spending time away from mum. Child logic being if you don't mind her, her mum will have to work less. I could be completely barking up the wrong tree but just a thought...

It sounds like things have gone really wrong for you GD, that is really nasty behaviour. She sounds like a very unhappy child with low self esteem - where is her dad? Is her mum around much if she is a doctor? She badly needs boundaries to help her feel secure and like she has someone strong looking out for her and she needs time with her mum where she is praised for effort, kindness and other traits that aren't shallow so that she learns that those things are more important than looks or money.

Does her mum spend a lot of time on her appearance and tell dd that she has to go to work to make money? - just wondering if that is where DD may be inadvertently teaching GD that looks and money are what is important.