Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

How old are your DC?
How old are your partners DC?
Do your DC drive?

When you say young adults, what age?

Your DC will have to lump it, in my opinion. It sounds like you have taken your time in deciding to make this move and, not only given them plenty of notice, but also waited until they have the choice of living independently.

They are 22 and 20 years old

How far away does your DP live from you now?

What age are your kids, what age are DPs kids?
Is their Dad in the picture at all?

How far does DPs kids' mother live?

If your dc don’t like it they can go get a flat share together, saves you two bedrooms as well. They won’t be living at home much longer so why let them dictate?

How old are your DPs children?

Depends on their ages really. If 18-21 it’s a bit soon to effectively be taking them away from their home.
I have told mine I will factor in them being at home (London) until youngest is 27. Then they are always welcome to live with me but I will retire where I want to. (Not London!). I love London but I want a garden and space.

They could make plans to jointly rent near where they work then. A good time for them to get their independence. Then you can get a much cheaper house with less bedrooms. Doesn't really make sense to upsize if they'll be gone in a couple of years. Perhaps assist them to go now, with some deposit help on a flat share?

The dynamic between you and DP will change totally when you are in a shared mortgaged property.

I take it that DP comes to stay with you when your kids are there.

But do you stay with him when his kids are there?
Are you a stepmother to his kids in the same way? Or do you mostly stay at his when his kids are at their mother's?

DP’s ex moved to another town about 7 miles from him/the school. we really should live near the school, that’s more important than living near my DC’s work because they can/will drive and I help them with that too - I don’t even mind helping them with travel or costs - we will have money to help them and won’t need to charge rent if we combine our finances.

DP’s children are 7 and 9. They see my DC as their step siblings but obviously my DC do not really reciprocate this feeling exactly - small kids can be annoying.

DP lives 10 miles away in the town we can afford to move to

One DC drives the other is learning

Read the OP!

@Lucy377 yes I do have step mother type role. The step kids and I are close, there is no issues with this. I spent a lot of time there as mine are always out! Or if they are home, in their rooms.

The dynamic that is an issue is that my older DC find the younger DC annoying

Do you work and where is that work?
It's all very suiting DP this plan.

Your children are now adults. It’s not as if they’re 13/14 year olds who don’t want to move because they won’t be near their friends or would have to move school.

tell them they are more than welcome to move with you and if they don’t like it, to find their own place. They’re grown adults.

you’ve dedicated your life to them and you deserve to be happy and make this long thought out decision.

At their age I would sit them down (without DP) for an open and honest chat with them. Treat them like the adults they are. You understand that moving will impact their lives, however they are now adults and will soon be striking out on their own. You are happy in your relationship and sooner or later would like to take the next step towards living together. Can they understand where you are coming from? Is there a compromise?

You don’t want to take their home away but you would like to share a home with DP and this is the best chance you have to gain the security of a bought house before you’re too old to get a mortgage.

What can you do as a family to move forward. You’ll make sure they always have their own space.

At the end of the day a lot of 22 year olds have flown the nest. I left home for uni and never moved back in, except for visiting for a couple of weeks over holidays. It would have been daft for my dad to put his life on hold until I was older.

If they don't want to move, could they take on your existing property and cover the rent? Or maybe get a small flat together in their preferred location.
This seems to be the choice. They can't stop you moving and it's not unreasonable- you're not moving to a very far away location.

You could give me a million pounds and i wouldn't live with young children who aren't mine.

Can't you postpone 2 years. Tell your dc this is the plan - to move in together in two years so they can prepare etc

It's a bit shit dynamic though really. Though hats off to you for restating with young kids again ! You've got pre teen and teens to do all over again 😃

Exactly !

I think this might be the crux of the issue. You aren't moving somewhere neutral. You're (as far as your kids are concerned) uprooting where they've always lived to your DP's town, closer to his kids' school(s), "prioritising" DP and his kids. Your kids are probably feeling like they're giving up what they want/have always known and nobody else is sacrificing anything. Coupled with the fact that there really is such a big age gap, I assume they're not thrilled about it.

This OP.
Also you shouldn't miss out on your chance to buy before it's too late!
They're lucky you can afford and are buying a property with space for them. I wouldn't consider buying a 5 bed house at your age but that's just me.

Yes I'd postpone for 2 years.
Your DP only lives 10 miles away.

That's 10mins in a car.
Is he renting?
Or does he own his house?
What ages are you and DP?

I think you have to do what is right for you in this scenario. It's really great that you are helping and supporting your DC, but I don't think that they should be a deciding factor on the basis that they find their younger step siblings annoying. They are in their 20s and won't be that long before they start thinking about moving into their own homes or maybe flats with friends of theirs or something. I think you obviously make it clear that they always have a place at home and are welcome but they shouldn't be able to dictate your decision. They are grown ups now and you have the right to be happy and to make your situation with your DP more practical. You sound like a fantastic parent who has always put your DC first. Obviously they'll always be your DC but they are adults now.

Could they take over your tenancy if they are already with partners?