Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

op

Glad you had a good chat with them

Posters suggesting the DC take over the lease - that’s not straightforward! The landlord would want a restated lease with the new DC only tenants, they wouldn’t earn enough so OP would
end up as guarantor… to two adults who can’t even buy loo roll?!

They think their wants are greater than yours. You are currently being inconvenienced. They don't get to choose their preference over yours. They get to have that privilege when it's their house.

It's great that you seem to be sorting things out and I get why you might be in a rush.

Please take the time to find a house you both love and can imagine living in, otherwise it will be miserable!

Yes exactly. So annoying really that DP does love where I live, it’s so nice and possibly affordable to some degree, but apart from my DC, none of us have any ties to it. DP cannot move schools to another place easily and needs to get his eldest a secondary place imminently, one concern he has is the DC then ending up in a school in the location where the DM is renting which is even further away and would become a major headache. DP does most of the school runs so it’s got to be something that works for everyone and neither of us want to disrupt small children’s schooling for the sake of being able to live together. That would not really seem fair

I could have written this post myself. I also moved 10 miles away from my lively town with two young adults. With my then partner. No small children in the mix though so not exactly like for like.
Were they thrilled with the idea? Absolutely not.
I did everything 'right' by the book of mumsnet. We didn't move in together when they were younger. They finished their schooling.
I was getting increasingly concerned about renting. I paid 40% of my salary in rent but spiralling costs would have actually seen that go up to 75% in my area. Absolutely no chance of buying in my area which my children would have obviously preferred.
I love my husband, we wanted to live together and create a home. Fortunately my children did understand why I had to move out of area. We bought a house with bedrooms for both. I explained that they will always have a room here but if they preferred to stay in the previous area they would have to get a house share or flat. They can't afford to. I feel for them as they don't have the same opportunities as I did (I left home at 18 to live with mates). However the reality is for both my husband and I if we didn't buy now it's unlikely we would ever have. No way can we afford rent now and who knows we might have ended up renting a room in a HMO in our retirement.
It's actually worked out very well despite plenty of moaning and the beginning.
Oh and we didn't live together beforehand. So we had some adjustments and niggles but it all settled very quickly. You can get the measure of most people over time without having to move in with them first!

If you can’t afford a big enough house yet then it’s not an issue, you will have to save for longer by which time your children may well have flown the nest.

I think it’s crazy to only want to buy a house with a bedroom each for all the children when two of them are on the verge of adulthood. Unless you need and want them as spare rooms in the future don’t over house yourselves.

Hi it’s been some time! Thank you @Ilovegoldies for your insight

well we do want those rooms long term as DP’s children are not the same sex so will need their own room at some point, leaving one room as a spare and we do both have large families some of whom live abroad so the rooms would not go to waste. I’m sure I will end up a granny as some stage 🫣

We have hit a wall with location and houses as the location DP wanted was not what the rest of us wanted. We saw another house that was good but it needed too much work doing to it we couldn’t afford. So we are just in the same position as before!

I love my DD13 and my DP is moving in (with her blessing) but we are not buying a new house because DD doesn't want to. I've already warned her that she loses the power of veto when she reaches 18. She'll still be welcome and I'd make sure she had a great room of her own but we only live where we live now for DD and if it was down to me I'd live elsewhere.

I think you need to buy the house you want and let your adult children move with you or move out if they prefer.