Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

"If DP’s kids were home all week it would be a lot to take on."

DPs deposit is being protected. That means if you two buy a house then you break up, he gets his deposit back in full, is that it?

Have you any savings currently?
Have you a life insurance policy currently with your children the beneficiaries?

Yes, 20 and 22 is very young for some people, but it's not too young to start taking some responsibility, both financially and for the admin in life.

One DC travels, so isn't home full time. One is mentioned as spending all their money on tat rather than making any effort to save for the future, despite being helped out financially by their mother. Neither clean their own mess, even when their mother come housekeeper is absent. One's partner's parents have moved, but OP isn't allowed to.

As much as I also love my children and wouldn't want them to feel side lined or pushed out, I think it's time adult children considered @KL090 as another adult with needs and preferences as well. I would be disappointed that I was always to be kept in line with their housing, area and domestic requirements, even though my own needs weren't being met.

The whole wisdom of living permanently with DP and is part time children is a separate matter, but providing the grown DCs with the top floor of a town house, rent free and helping with transport costs, seems generous to me, especially as DP would be contributing a bigger deposit and his children would be part time. It does sound like he cares for these young people and is a positive addition to their lives.

As we grow up we all have to make adjustments in sharing spaces, moving to cheaper areas or less desirable properties, it's just a fact of life and can happen at any age. The OP's DCs are being given options, they're being considered and catered for, it's just not in the most desired way for them. I think they should listen and participate in finding a compromise.

OP, you are a lovely generous person and an excellent mother. But it’s time you started being kinder to yourself.

Your DC are taking too much advantage of you. They’re using you as a free housekeeper: this isn’t helping them learn skills for adult life.

You don’t need to live near DC’s partners. At their age, boyfriends or girlfriends are unlikely to be partners for life anyway.

And they are now obstructing your perfectly reasonable efforts to build a happier easier life for your future.

Help your DC spread their wings and fly. Let them know you’ll always have room for them in the new house, whether living there or visiting. But you need to make this move.

Finance wise I do not have as big a deposit as DP as he has equity in his property and I do not. We would be jointly on a mortgage with each side insured. I would then build up my own savings with my own money over time, hopefully then we would have more equal savings (his the deposit, me saving up). My DC are named on my pension as beneficiaries which is the only asset I have and I will not change that. I don’t have anything to leave to my DC as I am now. If I was to get onto the property ladder then maybe I would in the future. We need to decide whether we would be joint tenants or tenants in common as it could mean he would have to move out if my share went to my DC, but then I don’t have anything to leave my DC anyway.

DP already lives near the school in his own home, so he isn’t really getting anything from me he doesn’t already have apart from a bigger home with a bigger mortgage and my grumpy adult DC in the mix. He will benefit from pooling incomes as will I.

I do earn more than him currently because the job market is not doing well for his skill set due to AI getting better.

I may possibly be able to buy a very small flat (in the 10 mile away town 😂) on my own if I was to save up more money but it would be just for me with no extra room so I might as well just stay where I am if I am to plan for the next couple of years.

Time for you to do what’s best for you. They are old enough to fend for themselves now

PS, guessing you’re in your 40s, I recommend moving now while you’re young and energetic! Moving and settling in is harder and more disruptive the older you get.

Every word of this. They are being very selfish to want to deny you living with a long standing partner.

This.

What 22 yo wants to be moving into a box room in their mums new 2nd family house? They're old enough to be having jobs and families of their own (ok maybe not right now but it's not far away!). They need to establish themselves as adults and make their own decisions

My kids are similar ages, and I’m thinking of moving to a nicer area for me but not as convenient for them. They will always have a home with me but they don’t make the decisions… as young adults they don’t have to live with me if they don’t want to.

Kids are selfish, they see with tunnel vision as a parent not with our own lives to lead , only what they want registers . Do what you want op, you’re already taking your dc into consideration and sound like a lovely mum. They will get used to it imo

Ah your DP already owns sorry I thought he was renting like you.

We could debate it til the cows come home do what feels right follow your gut instinct OP. 🙂

Around here 10 miles is at least a 30 minute drive on narrow lanes @Lucy377, not all of us live on a motorway junction!

Sorry I was thinking in kilometers not miles!

ffs, they are adults. They're not being evicted or being forced into a blended family. They can like it or lump it and maybe it will teach them some independence. Outside the MN middle class bubble, most young people in their early 20s have moved out of home and have responsibilities.

If you were my friend, I'd be strongly encouraging you to trial living together full time before buying. Having another house to escape to half the week like you do now is not representative of what it will actually be like.

Move in with him for a few months, and test out pooling income and all the other changes you plan on making. You might find it doesn't work as well as you think it will.

I feel it would be a lot easier just to get a second lot of clothes and wait it out for a bit! But it does depend if your DCs see themselves living at home forever or just for another couple of years.

That is factually not true, btw. Average age to leave the family home is now 24. So no, "most" 20 and 22 year olds have not moved out. Source = ONS.

Driving back and forth is what it is, it’s 15 mins on a really clear day. It’s not just phone chargers sorry it is that I end up packing a bag from my own house praying the weather will not change from what it says it will, it’s extra toiletries and lugging all my laundry, coats and shoes around it’s just annoying, it’s like being a travelling salesman. His house is not my home so I feel nomadic. My work is slap bang in the centre of both of us so driving from there is not an issue. I don’t mind the drive. I am always forgetting things and I’ve just given up unpacking now I live out of a bag in my own bedroom too with everything strewn around in it! I have extra shoes and coats that live in my car. It’s just not making me happy live this way

Christ! How fast do you drive 😂

They’re 20 & 22. We’ve made it clear to ours that we will be moving away when DS2 has left school. No debate. We would not mess our DC around while they’re at school but once they’re adults we will not be forced to stay where they have mates or holiday jobs. They will both have a bedroom when we get a new house and DS2 will stay there when he’s at home in uni holidays.

The townhouse idea sounds like a good possibility. By the sounds of it, neither of your DCs plan to move out in the next few years (older one not saving for example), so there's no point in waiting indefinitely and hoping for the best. Talk to them and put a timeline in place. I think you are being generous giving them the ability to save up, rent free, for a deposit especially with the rental market as it is now. If they don't like it, they are free to find somewhere else. If you had to move because of work, you would not have thus soul searching. Your happiness matters as much.

I clicked on the thread intending to say 'Don't put your partner before your children! Protect them!' but they're adults, in relationships, and you have plans to continue giving them some support.

It's time they came to understand that your life matters, too.

Likewise!

My older DC isn’t saving up at all, they spend all their money on rubbish which is frustrating as it isn’t even like they are thinking of their future in any way. The younger one does save and have plans.

THAT is your issue.
Regardless of the house issue, your dc1 is taking you for granted. They expect to be housed (and fed, cleaned etc…?) wo any intention to leave.
If you remove the fa to you have different aspiration fur tte future, this is not a sustainable position!
Think too. Are their position at home a bit too comfortable? Aka do they pay rent? Do they pay for food? Do they cook, clean the house etc…?
Of course, if they work, are taken care of and can have plenty of spare money, they won’t want you to move! You’re basically destroying their little heaven.

They are getting a wake up call with you wanting to move. But it looks like they need one, esp your 22yo.

I am asking for advice on the same issue!

My DP and I decided we needed to sit down with my DC and have an adult conversation about the future - all of our plans, get each other’s view points. As my DC seem to have no life plans I am just a sitting duck (getting older).

DP is slightly exasperated by my hesitation although he also understands - he has the same mixed views everyone had shown on this thread. No one wants to force them but they are adults now and need to start making their own plans.

I have been over at DP’s and we had a long talk. DP and I reached out to them to ask them to come to dinner with us this weekend. Didn’t mention the reasons why. Just a nice hey are you free let’s get dinner at X.

Neither replied to our invite. I am embarrassed by their behaviour to be honest. It’s not boding well for this situation they care so little for either of us they are this RUDE.

And no they don’t clean much but they pay a small rent to me. They don’t cook often but eat what I cook for them. They wash their own clothes. They are both messy. They don’t help with pets or buying items like toilet roll unless told to. So for 2 days they might have no toilet roll if I wasn’t home.