Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

OMG no we would buy a house where they had a nice bedroom. They will all have a room or the little ones can share for a while. No one is getting evicted.

DP is not pushing me we saw a house and went to view it to be nosy a couple of months ago and it made us realise how much we wanted to live together and build a life.

I think your kids are old enough to start standing on their own two feet. Perhaps delay the house purchase while they adjust to the idea, and then help them find a tenancy that works for their budget. I moved out at 18 and managed fine, when were they planning on leaving???

If you were to charge your DC rent would that alleviate the financial pressure? You could offer three options:

1. Move to new 4/5 bed house in area you can afford
2. They pay rent and the current house stays, you spend the bulk of your time at DPs (and you could put a timeframe of say 2-3 years on that). Or maybe their partners could also move in to cover the rent - surely 4 adults would be able to cover the rent even if 2 of them cannot?
3. You buy a smaller property and help them with a deposit on a flat / cheaper house but that would mean no dedicated bedroom at the new house.

I'd say at 20 and 22, they always have a place to stay with you... but where you are is up to you! It's unreasonable of them to expect you to put your life on hold. In the same way it would be unreasonable of you to, for example, ground them or give them a curfew or something. All of you are adults, so the dynamic is not the same caregiver / dependant one that it is when they are little.

At 20 and 22, can they not afford a room in a house share, if they want to stay where they are? It might even be good for them, to get some proper independence.

DP’s house is quite small. I also do like seeing my DC regularly which is why I am not pushing them to move out, ideally I would like us all to be together. I think in the interim my option is only to move more stuff to DP’s and half live there in a more practical way than I do now (out of a bag). It’s just I don’t have 2 of everything

At 22 and 20, the adult children should be living in their own places not still tagging along with a parent, so buy whatever house suits you and they will have to adapt to the fact that where you live is really nothing to do with them.

Can you wait until both your DC are driving and youngest is over 22? I think 20 is too young to be effectively pushing them out the nest to live near to your partner's children's school. Your first duty is to your own DC.

My duty is to my DC. I am still here not forcing them. The young one isn’t actually here although is coming back soon. Been gone a few months. Which is why the driving is delayed. I just don’t like the idea of them having no bedroom or anything. They are my kids so I always want to make sure they have somewhere to live with me. They really have been my whole life which is why this is such a hard situation. I agree with not forcing them out I wouldn’t want to do that.

Me too! I would if their father was widowed but not otherwise.

What absolute nonsense. Tell your kids to get a grip, and buy the house you want in the town they want. It's lovely that you are considerate of their feelings but at the end of the day, they are adults, and you have a right to a life as well.

Honestly your kids are in their 20s!
they shouldn’t get a say about what you guys do at this stage. They have options and can live somewhere else if your set up doesnt suit them.

Genuinely the way people are talking on this thread it’s like they’re 10 and 12, not 20 and 22. You do not have a duty to provide a home for them at this point, obviously it’s nice you want to but for them to be dictating the terms is taking the piss.

your partner is very patient!

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. 10 miles isn't far and if you already have grown children then it's probably time to buy asap so you can still afford to buy having a mortgage that's over before you retire. The only thing I might wait for slightly is for your son that's learning to drive to pass his test. Hopefully that might happen by the time you find somewhere to live and the sale goes through. You also sound sensible in making sure you are protected. It sounds like your partner actually has a bit more to lose if he has money for a deposit and you don't, unless you have one saved in which case make sure thats covered just in case. Plus now is a quiet time to buy where you might get something cheaper. Does your partner have a mortgage already, I can't remember if I saw that bit

I would definitely live together first before buying as it is a risk to buy with a man who has young children.

How is the relationship with his ex? The relationship ended when his children were tiny so it must have been difficult.

I would wait OP. 20-22 and 7-9 is a huge age gap and I think it would be quite hard to manage everyone’s needs. It sounds like your kids are on the path to independence and won’t be with you forever.
If you execute your plan now and your DC feel pushed out because they don’t like the location or sharing with young kids you risk souring the relationship.

Sell your houses and instead of buying now, rent a house for a year or 2 and see how it goes. You really can't know how it's going to be until you do it. If after that time things are going well, buy somewhere, by which time one or both DC's may have moved out.

The stepchildren’s ages fill me with dread, but otherwise you’re being perfectly reasonable.

Your children are old enough now for your life to not revolve entirely around them, so if you’re confident this relationship is solid, go ahead with moving.

You’re also ensuring they have a place in the new home, so they’re being adequately considered.

Can't believe what I'm reading, your children are ADULTS. They have jobs and partners and their own lives, they don't get an say in where you live. You, as a single parent have sacrificed the past 20+ years for their benefit (as any parent should). Now that they are grown up it your time to live your life how you want. Tell them you and DP are looking at houses to buy, if they want to live with you then they are moving. If that doesn't suit them, then they can move in to their own place. I moved out of home at 19 and fully supported myself through uni etc. they can do the same. Perhaps if you can afford it, offer to help them get set up in a flat, pay the deposit and maybe contribute towards some basic homewares to get them started. Time for them to fly the nest I think.

It sounds like it’s time for your kids to get places with their partners as they want to stay in the same town.

. I moved out at 18 and managed fine, when were they planning on leaving???

When were you 18? I don’t get it when people say things like as it’s often irrelevant unless they’re like 20 now.

Times have changed significantly between when I was 18 and now in terms of housing costs, salaries and availability.

I moved out at 19 for uni and then went abroad when I came back there was austerity and steeply rising rents coupled with stagnating salaries and mass redundancies . I found myself back at home for a year or two until I found a job in London and haven’t went back but I can’t even imagine what it’s like for the generation behind me.

For all those saying the adult children shouldn’t dictate to Op, they’re not. they’re clearly a close family unit and they are expressing their views on something which will impact them. And OP cares about her children’s welfare so is taking that on board and weighing their wishes with her own plans and desires .

And I don’t see her partner as being particularly “patient”, the move - when it happens - will bring him and his kids who will be living part time with them for the next decade considerable benefits.

11 years ago

OP, I met my partner 4 years ago when my dc was 8 and his were 17 and 20. We got married 2 years later and bought a house which we all live in together and my stepchildren are fine (one is away travelling) and my DC has an amazing stepdad (aswell as her own involved dad) and step siblings and it’s all worked out brilliantly. Thank goodness my husband didn’t feel the way a lot of people feel here about not living with someone else’s young DC! Good luck! I hope our works out for you all x

I usually advise against blending families until the youngest DC has gone off to uni or moved out …..but in your case that would be at least 11 years which is a long time to wait, especially not being on the property ladder.

MN is very "kids are adults at 18 and should stand on their own two feet", and you're getting a lot of responses along those lines. However from your posts, I don't think that's aligned with your values. It isn't aligned with mine either. We are living through unprecedented times. Wages are suppressed; rents and property prices are sky high; energy, fuel and food costs are through the roof. I was never going to be the kind of parent who ushered my kids out of the door at 18 anyway, but it's so much harder than even a few years ago for young adults to find their feet. I want my kids to stay at home rather than waste money on expensive rent, so that they can have even a hope of financial security down the line. I also don't want them to feel any pressure to move in with partners and commit to relationships for financial reasons. If you move now, they are likely to choose moving out as the lesser of two evils although they may not be ready and it may impact them financially or otherwise.

I'd personally wait at least a few years until the youngest is properly on their feet and then move. It's a matter of opinion and personal choice. Lots of people (like PPs on this thread) are happy to draw a line at adulthood and then expect their DC to be completely independent. Lots of people don't, and expect to prioritise and support their DC into their twenties or even beyond. You know what feels right to you, and the fact that you talk about feeling under a black cloud (can't remember the exact wording you used) would indicate that you aren't comfortable with the move.

If they are both adults with partners why don't their partners move in and take over the rental, very cheap with 4 of them, and you still buy a house with a room each for them if they ever need it / hobby room for you (and can escape young step children)