Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

Honestly it sounds like its time for your kids to grow up, and move into a house share. They are adults now, its lovely that you want to make sure they always have a home as a back up, but you shouldn't have to put your whole life on hold for them.

That's appallingly rude op, so sorry. Maybe they'll appreciate you more once they have moved out and fended for themselves a bit x

We live on plant UK 2024. Where the average wage of an under 30 year old is 22-29K Probably nearer the £22k for youngsters of OP's kids ages. The average house price (265k) is 12 times that!!!
Most young people these days are really struggling to become independent simply because of the cost of housing.

@KL090 I completely empathise with you having to make this decision. My kids are a few years younger than yours. I would like to move in with my partner too - but "blending our families" (I actually hate that phrase) with the kids the age they are is on many levels to difficult a hurdle to overcome.

They sound entitled as hell. Tell them you are moving, don’t ask them. If they want to live in your new house, fine. If not, tough shit, they can do what millions of people do and get a house share.
While I agree that salaries are low for young people, if you are in your 20s and you can’t even be bothered to buy toilet roll and instead go without for two days (gross), there is something seriously wrong. I’d leave them to it without a backward glance. It will be good for them to grow up.

Reading this, I think it is time for your kids to grow up.
They have it too easy and you are doing them no favours.

You have bought them up now it is your turn.
They need to come to the table with some solutions.
I would suggest they take on the tenancy and rent out the third room.
If they are working they need to be contributing more than they are.
They are too comfortably. You are treating them like young teens rather than adults. They should being a 1/3 of the house work and cooking for you on occasions.

10 miles is nothing, they need to go with the program or do something else.
They are not babies (and I am all for welcoming children back and ensuring they are always welcome); however there comes a time when things need to change.

20 and 22 - absolutely no chance. They are adults and if they don’t want to move and are working, should take over the rent themselves to stay put

After your update, definitely move in with your DP - your sons are taking the mickey.

As a side note, if they're this feckless now, then you'll be doing their partners a favour by making them learn to stand on their own two feet before they move in. Not buying toilet roll for TWO DAYS after you run out? Ridiculous and selfish.

I would tell them you are moving and do it!

Of course they are welcome to move with you or they can make their own arrangements
I would expect that they are civil and clean up wherever they are.

You have one life and it is short!

They are acting like young teens so are being treated as such. It’s a vicious cycle. Something has to change and I am going to have to be the one to start this off. I have never felt so torn between them all now, and what I want. My house doesn’t feel like the warm welcoming home it used to because it’s now like shared uni accommodation. Even if I was to stay home for weeks and not visit DP or we were to split up I wouldn’t be happy like this forever. I understand they have grown out of family life/home but this limbo is horrible for everyone. Yes the toilet roll is gross and makes me upset

💯 I've done my time in the salt mines!!

Yes, but most people don't move out straight into their own home though (particularly if they're not even saying!). They could move into a house share, which is what a lot of young people do. It's character building too, you get to meet different people. Also to learn how the average person, who doesn't love you, and isn't family, reacts to you acting like a slob in a communal area.

I can't belive posters are saying to not move! Your DC are adults, well old enough to move out if they don't like it, and even if they were a bit younger why shouldn't you move?!? You are the adult, living your life according to not upsetting your kids if just ridiculous when you are in a good, stable and long term relationship. I know what it is like living out of bags and I know how it makes you feel.
Get on with your life and stop waiting. Something happened to me recently which brought home the fact you really don't how long you have in this life.

Id tell them the move is happening and they can either come or move into shared accommodation/share together. I would definitely not be offering to pay the rent for them either where you are now or in a new place

Goodness OP after your update sounds like you need to give them a boot up the arse, they are taking the Mickey!

I agree you should firmly tell them you are moving after such and such a date.

I actually disagree they should be jumping at the chance of a dinner with your partner. This is between you and them and sounds as if he now feels he's the head of the household and is going to use the meal to lay down what he wants to happen. It's not about him- you're not a blended family.

My mum got into a relationship when I was 10. She made it clear that we already had a dad and there was no attempts at blending going on. They moved in together when I was 21 (youngest sibling 18) although mum did help the youngest with a flat for a few years until he could manage it. Still happily together 30 plus years later. And still her partner, not my stepdad (although they are married and he's a nice man). She told him from the start he wasn't there to play that role with us. It worked well.

No ok, DP is not the head of our household but we are all adults and would be living together so this was more about having an open discussion. My DP is not in any way dominant if anything, I wear the trousers in our relationship, he is more passive than me. DP and I wanted a relaxed chat with them that was all.

We did go out, they eventually RSVP’d. It got off to a wobbly start but they did listen and we had a good chat. DC1 does intend to save up and move out and has a 4 year plan apparently. DC2 was honest that they would probably want to move out sooner with their partner who is at uni 200 miles way in their last year at uni, which I assumed they might want to do. I told them both there would always be a room/space for them and they could pay no rent. DC2 and I came up with a plan to get them driving. They were more open minded with DP present - read, they were polite and not rude little shits!

They really do not like the location we are looking and it isn’t just about travel. I would agree with them that it is a slightly rougher area than where we live. in context we live 10 miles away more in the countryside area in a sparsely populated location and the other location is a very large town. They were not keen on the lack of parking and the town not having the best reputation. They do understand our budget though. DP and I would love to live right in the middle zone so I am not sure whether this is something that is possible. DP grew up in this town so I think he has a different view than the rest of us who see the town in a less favourable light

We have a 2nd viewing on a house in the big town today. DC2 is coming with us.

That sounds positive OP.

I think it would do your DC no harm to start to learn about the financial trade offs. Maybe they would prefer a box room in a nicer area.

Oh that's great OP- I'd leapt to conclusions there! Sounds very positive.

There is some progress which is good but one of the DC is adamant they don’t like the area where we have found a house. I don’t really love it either but I am more able to look past that. We have to decide on this house by Monday.

You should move in with your DP. It's ok that they don't want this but you shouldn't base this decision around them as you say you won't be able to get a mortgage. If they were school kids I'd have more sympathy but they're adults who are very lucky to have you accommodating them!

Good idea

" I don’t really love it either but I am more able to look past that. We have to decide on this house by Monday."

Gosh, will you really enjoy living in a house you don't like?

Don't really understand the sudden rush for one particular not-great house? Why not take your time looking over the course of the year?

Great post

@napody DP found the house and it is a very good opportunity but I do agree we need to slow down and take our time to find the right one. DP has been on rightmove a lot and he doesn’t like the idea of missing out on a bargain. I don’t look as often. I asked him if we could look again in the summertime and he has agreed.