Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

Which is fine but they can’t demand that the OP is staying put either.

They are working adults with partners themselves.
Theyve grown in some areas. Now is the time to grow up in another and get their own accommodation.

Personally I'd put it to them that if you move then you can afford to support them with a deposit for their own rented flat, and they can move in with either each other or their partners.

I can quite see why they don't want to live with younger kids. If you are going to take on step mum role they will probably feel pretty pushed out as well.

Could you afford to give them a lump sum if they don't have a bedroom each in the new family home? I don't think they are going to want to go with you.

@JollyJanuary Living with young children is a LOT easier than the housemates from hell!

It's only 10 miles to the younger kids school. Why can't you and DP buy in the town you are in now?
The step kids are only there half the time.

Because they can't afford a house big enough for everyone to have their own rooms - 'some of the time' isn't good enough opresumably

Postpone for 2 years on the basis that her children who are in their 20s don't want to move in with DP and his kids?

That doesn't seem very fair on her though to be honest. Life is short, we don't know what tomorrow brings you know?

What @FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant said x100. You're moving to be closer to the schools of kids who aren't your children? And moving your own DC further away from work / their home? To get them to live with young children?

What are you going to do in a 5 bed house when your DC move out in a few years? To me it makes sense to wait a few years until they're settled and not need to buy a 5 bed house!

If it were me and I could afford it, I would buy a small property by myself, let the kids rent the house from me to largely pay my mortgage, and jointly rent with DP in his town.

That way, your kids have somewhere to live, you have an asset building up (hopefully), and you also have somewhere to live if things ever do go belly up in the relationship.

I have a feeling that DP is getting what HE wants out of this, but I might be insulting you saying that. But in any event, think it through thoroughly.

@RichinVitaminR
I know what you are saying but if it weren't for the DP the adult kids might stay there longer as us more commonplace these days due to price of housing etc.

Yes I know it’s the issue to live near the school but even DP is open to moving away and commuting to school, but the houses near me or in the middle are too expensive. The only town we can afford to buy a house is the town he is in now. It seems crazy to move away from school when all the adults can/will drive too!

I know it is mad to take on more kids 😆 but they are great and I love having a family, my kids are my greatest love in life, I very much value family. DP is a great dad. My DC dad is not so great so DP fills in a gap there on their own terms, he is the stepdad who helps with your car, makes you an amazing looking CV, picks you up from a night out. I am step mum who isn’t trying to be their mum, they have a mum. We all rub along well in our little bubbles but merging them is not so easy.

We don’t mind taking on a bigger house as it’s always going to be important to me to have somewhere my DC can call home, with a bedroom for them

But they won’t be ‘uprooted’ if they move into their own accomodation, where they currently lived.

Yes the OP is prioritising her DP. That’s because they are now adults. She can’t live her whole life around her dcs forever.

I agree it will feel 💩 to them because it will imposed to them rather than their choice. (I’m sure they’d have no issue moving 10 miles away if it was to move in with their partner!) But they can’t act as if they were children forever. They can’t demand that their mum is putting them above herself forever.
This time the OP is choosing herself. As it is right to do with two adult children.

At that age I'd be telling them to find their own accommodation if they don't like it.

I cannot afford to buy a home by myself. I have the higher income, DP has the deposit. We would likely marry or legally square things to make it right to protect everyone. My DC do not earn enough to take on our family home either

I do t think the OP’s children would appreciate a house where they live WITH the young step children.

Their issue is the choice between living with two young dcs or get their own accommodation. They don’t want that. They want the cushy life at home with mum.

I didn't say I agreed with them, I just explained that I expect this is how they're feeling.

@KL090 realistically, can your dcs rent somewhere of their own, mMaybe together to start with?

Could they rent a 2 or 3 bed place together or with their partners in your town?

Yeah, I know what you're saying. Hey, I say this as someone who lived with a step family from age of 11 and was one of 5 children in that house. The relationships between myself and step siblings (we were all teens at the time) was bloody taxing. I moved out at 22 to go to uni and then moved in with my DP afterwards and that's been the case since. 30 now! I know times are really difficult and I think I'd have probably ended up back home for a bit had I not worked out living with my DP, but I'm not saying they shouldn't get to be at home. I just think that if OP really, truly wants to live with her DP and there's no pressure coming from DP or anything like that at play here, then why shouldn't she get to live with her partner, if that's what they want? I dunno. I think if I was one of these tweens and my mum was saying that she wanted to do this, I'd probably cope with it for a few years for the sake of my mum's happiness. Who knows, maybe OP's children would do that!

Another factor is the OP is currently renting, and so doesn't really have control over staying put for the long term.

If you have the option to buy that would be a huge plus, and although an upheaval would give you and your adult DC more long term security.

Personally I think you'd be better off renting somewhere together to start with and make it nearer to your kids work if possible. Buying a house with someone you've never properly lived with is madness IMO, especially when there are 4 kids in the mix.

I’d wait until both can drive but then move. They are adults and you’re entitled to the future you want as the alternative is a very lonely one.

Wait 2 more years op.

This gives your two enough notice to either get their heads around it and move with you (though at 22 and 24 they might be thinking about moving ving in with their own boyfriends) and time to find the right place that suite you BOTH - him to suit his dc school and yours to meet your work needs/your dc needs if they are still at home.

In the meantime why not move into his and leave your two to it for a couple of months - give them a bit of independence and responsibility?

Or, tell the kids you are being evicted so you need to make a decision - and quickly - about the future living arrangements. They come with you or the set up by themselves. Obviously this is the nuclear option but not outside the realms of possibility...

Because it's too expensive. And it wouldn't solve the problem anyway because OP's DC don't want to live with their step siblings (even for half the week). They sound a bit spoilt and selfish tbh.