Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

You could even keep paying the Netflix etc as a little sweetener. Are the relationships serious enough for that? It would be a win win I'd think.

I think you should go ahead and buy a 4 bed place as planned. Your dc are still young and still need to feel they can have a home with you though. Even if they do move to a flat share or with a partner, things could easily go wrong. However, they can't dictate where that home is and since they can get to work from the new location, I think that's fine.

Surely the younger children can be kept out of their rooms etc, and they won't be there all the time. They are old enough to accept younger children have different needs and to show some tolerance. You could be waiting a good few years for your two to leave home - I heard recently that 24 is now the average age (so many will be older....)

My three all went to university at 18 . One came back at 24, then went abroad for 6 years, came home aged 32. Fell in love got engaged, bought a house got married. Second son four years at university then at home part of the year at 26 bought his first house. Number three went to university, fell in love, he's 23 not bounced back yet. Stayed in Yorkshire living with his girlfriend.

What I'm saying is you can't predict the future so buy your four bedroom house. Offer your children a room or help them with deposits first months rent on a flat. They can choose but your door is always open. @KL090

I'm surprised that 4 earning adults (DCs and partners) would not be able to afford to rent your old house.

I would sit down with them and agree a timetable. Realistically, it will take half a year to find somewhere, buy it and move in. Agree a timeframe you are comfortable with, for your DCs, but equally they are adults and do have a choice over whether they want to move with you or not. Especially if both can drive at the time.

Why can't your DCs stay put and take over the tenancy? If they both work, are they paying you rent / keep?

This isn't about you 🙂

@Lucy377

Yes I'd postpone for 2 years.
Your DP only lives 10 miles away.

That's 10mins in a car.

Yes.. if she's driving on a motorway or a road with no traffic lights and no traffic on the road.

A mile a minute doesn't apply when you're doing 20 or 30 mph, as I'd the speed limit in a lot of places these days.

Go and live your life Op.
The house market will go up and you may miss out in a couple of years.
You clearly have a good relationship with everyone close to you so do it.
Good luck on your next chapter.

You're children are grown adults who need to understand its financially beneficial to get on the housing market if they can't suck that up they can move out together or with their partners.

Your children will have become used to being independent for part of the week when you stay at DPs home and sound like they gave have developed a reasonable relationship with your DPs children over the last 5 years, despite age gap. But moving in with the young children wouldn’t be the same. Can you talk again with your kids about some of the practical and emotional issues that they might have about moving ?

DP has placed his kids at the centre of his decision about moving and you have the right to do same.

What what are DPs expectations for sharing childcare, household work and costs when living together ? Would you be able to equally share paying the mortgage?

Id have a chat with your DC see if they have any ideas of ways it might work ok for them. Something's that come to mind that might work getting a place that had things a bit seperated on two levels so there's an adult living area and bedrooms and space away from the younger DC. You'd need boundaries on whether/how often the younger DC could be in those areas. Somewhere with a granny flat. Somewhere with a smaller house and a big yard where you could build a 2 bedroom granny flat. A 3 bedroom house you could add a second floor to for the grown up DC.

Thanks everyone.

DP has no expectation for childcare he works flexible hours across home and office, as he’s already a single parent. I work FT mostly in an office so wouldn’t be around to do any childcare or drop offs. I would obviously help in an emergency situation but in 5 years I have only ever helped with a school run a couple of times and that is because I was happy to do it and free to. DP’s parents were young when they had him so they are relatively young still, and do childcare for DP and his siblings if needed and he usually asks them if he needs to. Then the DC are with the other parent the other half of the week so DP is alone. I go to the odd school play (because I like to).

I really like being a mum so taking on more kids isn’t scary. I was very young when I had my DC but I would not have had more kids when they were young and wouldn’t have blended them with similar age kids either.

The thing is I am hanging on waiting for them, when I have no timeline of when they will move out and don’t want to push them so in some ways, moving to a large house means I don’t have to keep waiting and they don’t have to leave. It is conflicting whether I am being selfish, quite a split opinion!

The thing we could likely clash about the most is mess, especially if I am at work all day and come home to DP’s bombsite kitchen cooking explosions but we know this and he is a better cook than me by far. My DC are also very messy out of all of us I am the tidy person.

My DC’s partners are not really in positions to move in. One partner is at uni other end of the U.K. for another couple of years. None of them are ready for financial commitment of renting or buying.

The flash point with my driving DC is that their partners parents (plus partner who is 21) moved 10 miles away last year in the opposite direction, so it would be 20 miles+ to get to go see their partner. I think had this not happened it would be slightly less contentious.

We have been looking at townhouses where my DC could have the top floor which would give them space and privacy.

@Ifallelsefailschocolate we have decided that we would protect DP’s deposit and pay everything into one big pot for bills, giving each of us a proportional amount of spending money. Even though I earn more than DP it would not be fair for me to expect him to live on less as he has to pay for kids whilst I have more money. We did agree that as I don’t have a big deposit I may use a small amount of our joint income to put away savings. Together we will both have more income as my rent now is similar to what our mortgage payment would be.

We live in an expensive area so houses near me are nearly £400k for a 3 bed with a small garden and no room to extend. In his town you get a lot more for your money, £400k gets you a 4 bed house or spacious 3 bed with garden and possible room for extension. The town in between us is even more expensive and then it’s all pretty villages around (expensive).

Realistically, for your DC, the move 10 miles away is a no no.

They have lived in the nice area all of their lives at that is where all of their friends and social life are.

I can understand your DC not being keen on moving. Although 10 miles isn't massively far, it is far enough to always require driving. Their friendships may suffer (this happened to me). And that is without the added negative of unrelated children in the mix.

Do they earn enough to rent somewhere locally together? That may be a good option. I wouldn't include their partners in this as at that age they may not be ready to cohabit.

You can still buy your house with room for them in an emergency but give them the choice to stay in what I assume is the nicer area. If you could afford to help with transport, you could help with rent instead.

Are you and your partner similar ages?

The fact that none of you have really lived together is a bit of a worry, especially with those young children - you staying over with a hold-all isn’t really the same.

I do think jumping straight from separate homes to buying together is a bit mad.

@Wednesdaysphiltrum we have been together 5 years. We have been on holidays, I live with him half the week pretty much, it’s just I don’t leave stuff at his house as I need it when I come back to my house. I don’t want to move into his place as it’s quite small but I assume I have no choice from the sounds of things but to carry on the way I am but have more of my things at his to make it easier for me and carry on paying all the bills at my house. DP is not pressuring me but it is hard as we both want to move forward one day. I am only slightly older than him by a couple of years

The DC not living together is the issue not DP and I

I try to come home even when I am staying at his so I get to see my DC and I have to clean my house

Yes. I know. I meant all of you. I was using the collective ‘you’.

You staying half the week is not the same as two primary school kids and two twenty somethings being put in a house together for the first time and expecting harmony.

OP, I think you sound like a good mum trying to keep everyone happy. You shouldn’t have to put your life on hold indefinitely for adult DC’s - they will be moving on without looking back as soon as they are ready!

Yes they may be a bit miffed but keep them involved in the process and share your reasons with them. Hopefully they will want you to be happy and you can have a good chat about any concerns they have.

I say this as someone who’s primary parent sold the ‘family’ home to move in with a new partner when I was 21. I was a bit put out for a while (because I was 21, a bit self absorbed and at that age we aren’t all known for understanding our parents are adults deserving of a romantic life). My parent now has a lovely home with their partner, I went off and did all the usual things someone in their 20s does, there was always a room for me to come back to and a place to go for Xmas. If your kids don’t wish to life with young children they will hopefully start to understand that for them it won’t be for ever, they will likely want to be living on their own away from Mum sooner or later!

If you choose not move just yet and DC are working but not contributing I would think it fair they start covering their share of bills if they are there full time and you’re at DP half the week. Helps them become a bit more independent ready to move out and you can always put a % of it into savings to gift them when they leave home.

Tbh your kids sound selfish at their age they should be far more understanding, they know you are happy with your partner. They both work, so if they don’t want to move they move out and find somewhere else to live. One can drive, the other is learning, 10 miles to work is nothing

time to put yourself first here

To put it bluntly, if you don’t do this you may be dooming your relationship to end just for your children and then in 2/3 years they may wave you goodbye without a second glance because they’re moving in with a partner. How will you feel then at the fact you gave up a happy relationship for them and now you’re alone?

your children are adults and they sound selfish at not wanting you to be happy.

It's time for some you time! You e looked after the adult kids for a long time. They can look after themselves now. They are in their 20s. Soon both will be able to drive. Could you afford to buy a car for tghem? Sweeten the deal?

They need to recognise that you have needs too. They have partners and are probably out a lot any way 10 miles is not a lot!

They other options is buy something that needs work or extending? Have you tried that?

What a dilemma I can see both sides …times are v tough for young adults to get on their feet it’s not like it was in the 90s etc. or even a decade ago .

I can see why they don’t want to live with young DC’s but they well be making their own lives in the not too distant future.

I’d say follow your gut instinct …

Your partners DC must have been very young when you met him …did your children see his children much over the years? I guess not too much as you’ve had separate homes.

It is quite a big age gap both sets of children and blending families isn’t easy anyway.

At the moment you live with your own DC, are you sure you want to live with DP and his DC at such young ages …I know you see them when you are at his but it’s different living together if you had an off day you can still go back to your own home at the moment .

I think I’d rent a house first together see how it goes then buy in a year or two …

I've been giving this more thought.

If my DM had done what I wanted albeit at 13 she may have missed out on the wonderful relationship she has with my stepfather.

You need to think of yourself too.

I wouldn't expect your DC to live with the little ones. They are not step siblings at all. They turned up as babies when they were 17 and 15. Presumably your DC have never lived with them; you see them when you stay with your partner.

In an ideal world it would be better in a couple of years as your 20 year old may be a bit young for having no 'home' but your DC flat sharing in their home town seems the only way.

However time waits for no-one.

Yeah, because that’s what they really want, a Netflix account ffs. I’m sure paying £4.99 a month for some naff tv will make her kids forget that OP would rather prioritise her partner’s teens that her own kids, and that OP is happy to inconvenience their commutes (which she has acknowledged) and potentially their saving for their own place.

20/21 is still young, they’re early in the careers. They still need support and instead OP wants to move them in with some teenagers.

As for the posters who say “if they don’t like it they can move out” - have you seen the rental market at the moment?

Yes I wouldn’t have an escape, but they are not there all week, so it isn’t like we would all be together 24/7. They stay 3-4 nights with dad and then 3-4 nights with mum. If DP’s kids were home all week it would be a lot to take on.

They were young when he got divorced. I met him a year after his split then I met them a year into our relationship. The younger one can’t remember mum and dad being together anymore. My youngest can’t either.

I had been single for a long time and wasn’t looking for a man at all, least of all with small kids but it’s so hard dating as I am only early 40’s now so either men I had met wanted to have kids or already had young ones. I am more unusual as I was so young when I had mine not many people were in my situation. I met DP through a friend though.