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Original poster

Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

209 replies

KL090 · 03/02/2024 21:01

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 03/02/2024 21:36

Just kindly but firmly explain to your kids that they are now adults, and that cuts both ways - you will always be there for them, but you also have your own life to lead.

And crack on and move. You DO have a life to lead, and it’s good for your adult kids to start seeing you as a person and to get this lesson in consideration and generosity for others.

Original poster
KL090 · 03/02/2024 21:38

I feel so bad for my DC however we are each paying out X per month each separately we would all have more money if we combined our incomes together and bought a house so this is one attraction to it. We had financial advice and looked at houses but I can’t commit to anything as each time we view a house I just have this feeling of doom that my DC will hate it due to the distance or living together and I know this makes DP feel bad too. My DC are out of the house at work most of the day/night and have partners and social lives and the kids are only there 3-4 days a week (and at school during the day).

It’s not like our relationship isn’t going anywhere as it’s fine but this feeling of doom is following me around I feel very torn. I love my DC more than anything, more than DP or his DC so I do want them to be happy, which is why we haven’t moved forward with anything at all but I don’t know how long this will go on for, in limbo.

If we buy a 3 bed house everyone has to share it would be awful. The 4 bed houses are much more affordable in DP’s area than mine

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 03/02/2024 21:39

DP’s children are 7 and 9. They see my DC as their step siblings
Do they really? Why would they? You've never lived with your partner.

Lucy377 · 03/02/2024 21:40

"She can’t live her whole life around her dcs forever"
But she's planning her next life around DPs kids.

She likes kids/family life and maybe doesn't want to face an empty house when her own kids leave.

Lucy377 · 03/02/2024 21:42

"but this feeling of doom is following me around I feel very torn"

You'll have to get to the bottom of that.
Trust your gut. If it says No, then listen to that.

RichinVitaminR · 03/02/2024 21:42

KL090 · 03/02/2024 21:38

I feel so bad for my DC however we are each paying out X per month each separately we would all have more money if we combined our incomes together and bought a house so this is one attraction to it. We had financial advice and looked at houses but I can’t commit to anything as each time we view a house I just have this feeling of doom that my DC will hate it due to the distance or living together and I know this makes DP feel bad too. My DC are out of the house at work most of the day/night and have partners and social lives and the kids are only there 3-4 days a week (and at school during the day).

It’s not like our relationship isn’t going anywhere as it’s fine but this feeling of doom is following me around I feel very torn. I love my DC more than anything, more than DP or his DC so I do want them to be happy, which is why we haven’t moved forward with anything at all but I don’t know how long this will go on for, in limbo.

If we buy a 3 bed house everyone has to share it would be awful. The 4 bed houses are much more affordable in DP’s area than mine

OP, have a really honest conversation with your DC about this. If I were them, I'd want you to be straightforward about this and to talk about it. It sounds like they're not at home a lot of the time anyway what with working and their busy social lives! They may surprise you yet. Try not to let this feeling of doom consume you, it could be based more on your interpretation of how things could unfold than how it actually might be. You just never know. The best thing to do is put everything out in the open. Your children love you and I'm sure that they would want you to do what makes you happy.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 03/02/2024 21:43

There was a thread on here recently by a woman that moved in with her partner who had 4 children I think (she sold her house to do this) and she ended up looking after them constantly, doing bedtimes, meals, housework etc and her partner totally changed after she moved in. Not saying this will happen to you but a previous poster suggested a trial of maybe living with DP solidly for a while (could you do 1/2 months whilst your children stay at your house) to test this full time?

ZekeZeke · 03/02/2024 21:45

I don't blame your adult children not wanting to live with step siblings that age group. I'm surprised you are willing to yourself, considering you have raised your own.

It (hopefully) won't be long before yours move out of home. Whereas your future step children will be living with you for at least the next 12 years.

I would continue as you are for the moment. Stay over at your partners when his kids are with their mum and he stays at yours when yours are out. Its not like you live hours away, its 10 miles. I wouldn't blend families at this stage.

Original poster
KL090 · 03/02/2024 21:45

StarlightLime · 03/02/2024 21:39

DP’s children are 7 and 9. They see my DC as their step siblings
Do they really? Why would they? You've never lived with your partner.

They are only little, so yes they do they are nice kids. They look up to my DC. My DC are kind and nice to them in person they wouldn’t treat them badly. So it isn’t that my DC are being horrible to them, more that they are like “agh mum wtf they are so annoyingggg” when we are alone.

I would stay where I am and DP would move here - it’s nicer where I am in all honesty - but that’s why it’s expensive. We looked at shared ownership 4 bed houses and they had the tiny box room issues. So 2 share, one adult DC in a bigger room, one in a box room which would not go down well! We have found a few 4 bed houses with double rooms or potential to extend which fit our budget but all 10 miles from me

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 03/02/2024 21:47

Yes, what @Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon said.
Good idea practice living with him and the kids before buying a place.

RichinVitaminR · 03/02/2024 21:50

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 03/02/2024 21:43

There was a thread on here recently by a woman that moved in with her partner who had 4 children I think (she sold her house to do this) and she ended up looking after them constantly, doing bedtimes, meals, housework etc and her partner totally changed after she moved in. Not saying this will happen to you but a previous poster suggested a trial of maybe living with DP solidly for a while (could you do 1/2 months whilst your children stay at your house) to test this full time?

I think yeah, go forward with caution, but by the same token this is a bit presumptuous. One thread saying one thing doesn't mean that this is the way that it will be for the OP in this thread.

Original poster
KL090 · 03/02/2024 21:50

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 03/02/2024 21:43

There was a thread on here recently by a woman that moved in with her partner who had 4 children I think (she sold her house to do this) and she ended up looking after them constantly, doing bedtimes, meals, housework etc and her partner totally changed after she moved in. Not saying this will happen to you but a previous poster suggested a trial of maybe living with DP solidly for a while (could you do 1/2 months whilst your children stay at your house) to test this full time?

Maybe it’s naive of me but DP is not like this at all. It’s very complicated but DP has always been the main carer in some aspects. His ex has a new husband who does most of the other 50%.

I end up living in both homes across the week currently. One of my DC is travelling and the other sees their partner I have been at my DP’s since Wednesday. I pop home now and then to sort stuff out and see one DC for a few hours. Then I will stay home for a few days and DP will come here. But we both live out of holdalls

OP posts:
RichinVitaminR · 03/02/2024 21:51

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 03/02/2024 21:43

There was a thread on here recently by a woman that moved in with her partner who had 4 children I think (she sold her house to do this) and she ended up looking after them constantly, doing bedtimes, meals, housework etc and her partner totally changed after she moved in. Not saying this will happen to you but a previous poster suggested a trial of maybe living with DP solidly for a while (could you do 1/2 months whilst your children stay at your house) to test this full time?

Apologies, I misread the latter half of your post. Fair enough.

Windymcwindyson · 03/02/2024 21:52

Don't risk your relationship with your dc ime.

ZekeZeke · 03/02/2024 21:57

You don't need to live out of holdalls. Two homes are being run. Surely you leave a toothbrush and clothes at his and vice versa?

You are entering a new stage with your own adult DCs. I wouldn't jeopardise that for someone else and their kids.

Keep your homes separate, don't be that typical step mum doing bloody everything (when you have already done that yourself for your own kids)

Greatscottshesgotit · 03/02/2024 22:01

at 20/23 I’d give a deadline of another couple of years because they will most likely fly the nest by then anyway.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to work to a deadline, they are always welcome and will always have a bedroom but they do also have the option to get their own place / rent / houseshare….

what are you supposed to do? Wait until they’re 35 and married before you start the next chapter?

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 03/02/2024 22:01

I had a friend whose mum lived with her partner 3 days a week but she was always allowed to stay in their family home. I used to think it was unusual and wondered why her mum didn’t just sell up and move in with the partner. But now I see she was probably ensuring her adults kids were taken care of.

Despite my friend being well educated and bright she struggled a lot in her 20s with finding long term employment. I could imagine had she been stuck in flatshare like I was she’d have found things very difficult.

I don’t know what town or city you stay in but rents are very expensive in most places and your adult children shouldn’t feel pressured to move in with their partners at such a young age due to financial reasons.

It’s one thing if they decide off their own bat but it shouldn’t be because they have nowhere else to go.

You’ve done well to put them first for all their childhood and I appreciate they’re adults now but they’re still quite young - it’s no longer 1999 where it was super easy for single young adults to find their own place.

Perhaps hold off for a few more years and as others have suggested rent jointly first and see how it goes?

Bluenotgreen · 03/02/2024 22:02

I would stay put. I can’t see the attraction of living with someone else’s kids and balancing that with the needs of my own DC.

You said something interesting OP, that you have a “feeling of doom” about it when you’re looking at houses. I think you need to listen to that and trust your gut. This isn’t quite right.

Stay where you are for now.

Original poster
KL090 · 03/02/2024 22:04

we have toothbrushes at each others houses but I don’t have x 2 sets of make up, shoes or clothes to spare so I do travel back and forth with most of my things in a bag, most of it is in my car. I feel like I am living the life of a hobo. I am always losing things and leaving them at one house or the other! I love them all so I sacrifice my sanity and phone chargers 😂

OP posts:
RichinVitaminR · 03/02/2024 22:06

ZekeZeke · 03/02/2024 21:57

You don't need to live out of holdalls. Two homes are being run. Surely you leave a toothbrush and clothes at his and vice versa?

You are entering a new stage with your own adult DCs. I wouldn't jeopardise that for someone else and their kids.

Keep your homes separate, don't be that typical step mum doing bloody everything (when you have already done that yourself for your own kids)

Someone else and their kids is a bit cold when you're referring to her DP and her future step children 😅 I assume one of the reasons that she'd like to live with them would be because she cares about them? MN is bizarre at times I swear

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 03/02/2024 22:07

KL090 · 03/02/2024 21:50

Maybe it’s naive of me but DP is not like this at all. It’s very complicated but DP has always been the main carer in some aspects. His ex has a new husband who does most of the other 50%.

I end up living in both homes across the week currently. One of my DC is travelling and the other sees their partner I have been at my DP’s since Wednesday. I pop home now and then to sort stuff out and see one DC for a few hours. Then I will stay home for a few days and DP will come here. But we both live out of holdalls

Show quote history

Ah he sounds lovely, sorry I realise my post sounded very dramatic it just popped up in my mind, as everyone said this lady was amazing for moving in and taking on these children, as I think people will think of you as you have already done the primary / teenage years once! :)

tenterden · 03/02/2024 22:08

God I would rather rip my own eyes out than live with someone else’s kids as they go through the teenage years.

Are you sure this is what you really want OP? It’s not being pushed by DP?

Windymcwindyson · 03/02/2024 22:09

We moved when ds was 21. To a home he had a bedroom.. You would be evicting your own dc to house someone else's dc.
That's bad imo.

RichinVitaminR · 03/02/2024 22:10

Windymcwindyson · 03/02/2024 22:09

We moved when ds was 21. To a home he had a bedroom.. You would be evicting your own dc to house someone else's dc.
That's bad imo.

She hasn't said that she would evict her children though, she said that they would have rooms in their new house 😅 Jfc

Seasaltsquall · 03/02/2024 22:13

Personally, I would wait a few years. It could be potentially awful for kids, even at the ages yours are, to be uprooted and forced into a blended family they can't retreat from. Sorry.