Want to buy a house with DP - my children don’t want to move

[KL090]

DP and I have been together for 5 years living in our own homes. We have been looking at houses to buy that are big enough for each child to have their own room. We will not buy a house unless this is possible it is a dealbreaker for both of us.

My children are both young adults in work with partners but still live at home. One DC drives the other is learning. They work close to our current family home (rented). I’ve lived with them alone, with no partner, or their dad, for almost their whole lives. They like my DP, he’s so kind and nice to them this isn’t the issue. He is a good ‘stepdad’ who does a lot for them they say they love him and are happy with our relationship. The issue is that they don’t want to live with DP’s younger children or move towns. The only houses we can afford to give them each a bedroom are about 10 miles away from where we are now. DP’s children are at home only half the week as he has 50/50 with ex but the age gap is massive so I know this is annoying for my Dc as the younger ones can annoy them. But my DC will maybe fly the nest in the next couple of years, and I am getting older and older so my mortgage borrowing time keeps getting smaller.

I don’t want to upset my DC but DP and I end up living out of overnight bags most of the week between houses, and it would be cheaper and easier to all live under one roof.

I floated the idea to my DC and they were not happy about it and I feel like a bad parent even wanting to move 🙁

@Clementine1513 my sweeter to them would be to not charge them any rent at all. I would also be able to help them with travel too to some extent. I already help them out now a little. It isn’t really money for me with them on my own that is an issue, we are fine and I can manage but they do not help in the house so like I said I have to come home do all the cleaning up after them!

Have you considered how it would work out of the small kids came to live with you full time ?

It’s tricky nowadays and dating is a mine field….it is very difficult so I totally get your situation OP.

Another thing to consider what if DP’s children wanted to or came to live with him full time who would you feel?

I know you said it’s complicated and he was the main carer before the split and his ex wife’s’ new husband does the bulk of it now from that side…that marriage could end and your DP could take over the bulk of the caring…

I’m only raising it as something to think on….with his DC being so young things could well change…how would you feel then? It is a possibility down the line.

It’s not easy modern day families…knowing what I know now I’d not live with kids that are not my own …especially when they get to teenage years 🤯…that’s just my experience which was unpleasant to say the least.

Ah I just saw @housefacelift24 said the same thing …I was busy typing my long post and didn’t see that post .…like minded 🙂hey!

They are 20 & 22 and there are multiple options here.

1. They want free accommodation then they move into the newly purchased house
2. You move in with DP & they rent the existing house
3. They rent the exist house & you & DP find a smaller house to you
4. Your DDs snd their psrtnrrsvsll find a house to rent together (like most young adults)
5. You wait longer but at what cost to you

Oh this bit worries me.
If you're ringfencing his deposit keep your own money, shared account for bills and you can build up some savings- perhaps paying a lump sum into the mortgage in a couple of years so you're building up your own share of the property.
It absolutely is OK that he has lower spends on a lower salary at this stage in your lives and careers. He has equity, you don't.

On the original question I think get your DC used to the idea that it's happening in 2025. It's absolutely OK that you start making plans to move forward with your life.

Yes, good point re the DSC. Given that their mother doesn’t appear to be terribly keen on parenting, I would think long and hard about how you would cope if they lived with you FT.

If they decide in a couple of years that they want to live with you, I can’t see their dad saying no. Then what?

It really is a HUGE undertaking.

Jesus christ almighty....is this where we're at now. They're grown ass adults, yell him they need to move on and grow up

Give your children a chance to save up some money and also get used to the idea. It’s the sort of conversation that isn’t a one off.

I personally would carry on living between houses and just buy an extra phone charger. Another poster has pointed out that you could if stuff happens end up with his children FT.

Anyone saying well I moved out at 18, it’s just not comparable. I remember renting a whole house in Birmingham for £50 a week, granted it was inner city and one of the worst post codes in the entire country at the time and genuinely dodgy as anything but I was earning 20k at the time so it was great for me money wise. Terrace houses in the grim end of my mates town up the road are £180 per week.

Yeah, because that’s what they really want, a Netflix account ffs. I’m sure paying £4.99 a month for some naff tv will make her kids forget that OP would rather prioritise her partner’s teens that her own kids, and that OP is happy to inconvenience their commutes (which she has acknowledged) and potentially their saving for their own place

@Clementine1513 your post is ridiculous. OP has clearly prioritised her children their entire life, they are now in their twenties and it's time for her to live her own life. They are extremely fortunate that they are being offered a free home with no rent to pay, enabling them to get on the property market, if living ten miles away bothers them that much they can vote with their feet!

I know this is a hot topic and I go through all of the conflicting feelings everyone else is talking about too! I don’t think his ex will not want the DC but they could choose DP. One is more likely to choose to want to be with mum than dad and vice versa for the other one. These are all unknowns it’s hard to plan for. I would just support my DP with whatever happened, that kind of stuff isn’t in either of our control if ex is making different decisions. Everything is stable with the childcare arrangements now.

My older DC isn’t saving up at all, they spend all their money on rubbish which is frustrating as it isn’t even like they are thinking of their future in any way. The younger one does save and have plans.

20 and 22 is really still very young, very few people are truly independent at that age.
I think you're crazy to be attempting to blend families at this point, I'm not surprised they're not thrilled by the prospect. If it was me, I'd plan for it to happen in a couple of years, giving them time to sort themselves out and hopefully afford the insane cost of rent these days.
I'd also be doing a test run, 3-6 months before I committed to buying a house with a partner I'd never lived with.

Sounds like this may be the push your older one needs to start thinking about their future. I think you just need to give them a timeline, and then support them on what their next steps are whether that is choosing to live with you or finding a suitable rental for themselves.

But seriously, at 22, he should be able to keep his own house clean enough that his mother isn't having to pop in to do it (when she doesn't even live there half the week!) and be saving money for his future.

What planet do you live on where 22 isn't old enough to be independent

No one can predict the future OP but going into it with your eyes wide open and thinking through possibilities/eventualities …there may well come a time when your partners DC want to live with him…would you be happy?

Yes on the surface but try it with teens that aren’t yours it can break you …just giving heads up and wish someone had told me before I got mangled …plus coincide it with menopause and it is hell 😜. His DC will be teenagers in the not too distant …

Overall I think you have more to and lose your DP has more to gain…he can’t buy without your higher income but he will have a house bought near his kids school ….

You are leaving a nicer area too …albeit you are renting…and your DC aren’t happy either.

Have you seen the price of rent these days? A 22 year old is often fresh out of uni, barely landed a job at this point. Of course many are independent, but its not unusual at all to be at home still at 22.

That's not what you said, you said "very few people are independent at 22" which is a load of balls. Not all kids these days are going to "uni" to study stuff that doesn't even get them a properly paid job after it

Read back, thats not what i said. There's a 20yo as well, I was being concise.

20 and 22 is really still very young, very few people are truly independent at that age

Yes, that is what I said.
That's not the same as "very few people are independent at 22", which is what you thought i said.
Very few "20 and 22" year olds are truly independent, I stand by that statement.

You have to keep going back because your adult children can't clean up after themselves? I think it's about time they started taking what you want into consideration tbh

So the OP's kids are adults, with jobs, and when home are in their rooms. They see the OP's partner's kids as annoying and make no effort for them.

And somehow it's the OP's partner who's in the wrong?!

OP, gently, your kids are being a bit brattish. You should make the move and let them decide whether they are coming with you with good grace, or finding other accommodation.

Go live your life!

@BlueSkyBlueLife she's prioritising herself, which after raising her kids single handed my, she's entitled to do.

20 and 22 is really still very young, very few people are truly independent at that age

@Butterdishy what exactly is your point though? Nobody is trying to force these young people to be "truly independent" they are being offered rent free accommodation and their own rooms in a family home! If they want this then they have to compromise and accept a longer commute and to have to drive to see their friends!

Sounds like they have it a bit too cushy tbh. So they get the house you are renting to themselves half the week. They don't have to contribute any money, so have loads spare to fritter away. They also trash the place, and have you acting like a maid, sorting it all out for them! No wonder they want to keep the status quo! But that's not real life is it? They're being quite selfish if this is what they expect, at the expense of your happiness. Doesn't sound like they value you as a person in your own right. I wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like this, at that age - maybe when I was 15 (but parents soon put me straight).