Boyfriend won’t drive

[TwistedCable]

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

Could he go on your car insurance and at least share the responsibility for driving when going to certain events? Does he chip in to fuel costs etc for things?

do you live together - or near each other?

Just wondering if you don’t live together maybe the cost of a car for him, safe parking and the associated costs of fuel/insurance/tax etc for a vehicle he doesn’t need in an area with good transport links might not seem viable for him at the moment?

Just because he doesn't drive shouldn't stop him being able to work out travel routes/timing etc if you are both going somewhere, but living in a city (with presumably good transport links) then I can see why he probably doesn't need a car.

he should plan his own travel.

you shouldn’t pressure him into driving.

I never owned a car when I lived in London, there was absolutely no need. I only got one when I was thinking about moving out to Essex where I now live so I get why he doesn’t have a car. Living in a city, the expense far outweighs the positives of car ownership for many people.

And tbf OP you knew when you met him he didn’t have a car and accepted that so it was there at the start.

Agree with PP, you shouldn’t pressure him into driving. I’m like your DP and hate driving so he’s the default driver on holidays while I navigate. If he pressured me to drive, that would be a huge issue for me. If you don’t want to drive so much, just avoid travelling so far or use public transport. If the problem is that he expects you to be his taxi driver, that’s a whole other issue - tell him to take responsibility for his transport arrangements.

I hate driving but also I'm a total hypocrite because I wouldn't date somebody like me. Maybe he's similar 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you sure he actually has a license and he didn't just say he had right at the beginning because he was embarrassed?

@TwistedCable Anything can be a deal breaker for you-if him driving is important to you, don’t feel bad about that.
I dumped someone who didn’t drive. For me it is a dealbreaker, and actually people I’ve spoken to about it all say they would feel the same.

Owning a car is expensive, expecting somebody to buy a vehicle and then spend potentially thousands of pounds a year insuring, parking and maintaining it when they get by fine without it in a city is unreasonable. He can work out routes for trains when you don’t want to drive.

Long term, many couples share a car so it becomes less of an issue. He can drive, he just doesn’t currently own a car.

Does he still live in the city and how long have you been together? I’m not sure I follow why there’s so much driving, route planning, timing etc to work out unless you’ve missed out the bit where he moved in with you rurally or something. Can you expand a bit?

Are you sure he can actually drive - holds a license?

Living in a city, his own car may make little sense. Hage yiu suggested he look into signing up to a car-sharing scheme?

Also, if he lacks confidence, he can book a few lessons to freshen up.

What "responsibility" of working out routes, timings, etc? Doesn't at least one of you have a phone? If I need to work out how long it takes me to get somewhere I've never been before, it takes me about 5 seconds on Google Maps.

If you're sure that he actually has a license, just tell him that he's driving next time you go somewhere or else you're not going.

We don’t live together. I live more rurally. There is a lot of driving to be done.

"It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain." Why are you working out his routes and timings?! Is he not a grown adult?! Can he not plan his journeys himself?!

Tbh as someone who lives fairly rurally (though only just outside the m25), not having a car is one of my deal breakers for dating but I make that clear from start.

It’s more tricky to start dating someone knowing they don’t own a car and then saying it’s an issue imo.

Several of my friends very rarely drive but they’re very aware of public transport links and I can’t imagine how anyone living in a city without their own transport isn’t very well versed in transportation routes and links

I have been in situation where the guy I was seeing didn't have a car, not even a licence, ultimately it was a deal breaker because he lived too far from me and nothing was progressing.

Depends how long you have been seeing him, I wouldn't expect him to pay out for a car if it's been a few months but if it's been years then I guess you aren't a priority enough for him.

In the meantime I wouldn't be doing all the travelling, he's an adult so he can train and bus as that's his decision not to have his own transport .

You need to have a proper conversation with him so that you're both clear about each other's feelings.

It might be that he's not confident driving and needs extra practice or top-up lessons. There might be financial or logistical (eg. parking) reasons why he doesn't want to own a car and he feels under pressure to make a large purchase that he can't really afford. He might be a passive-aggressive wind-up merchant with a sideline in learned helplessness who likes staying in his comfort zone while you do all the running around and organising, or he may genuinely have no idea that you feel so strongly about it and and just hasn't got round to sorting a car out.

Unless you are clear and honest with him about how you feel, you're not going to get any further with this. Each of you silently resenting the other while not having a direct conversation about the issue is just storing up trouble.

I should also add, this is not meant to bash non drivers!!
This is an issue about progressing with my relationship

My ex not only refused to learn to drive he stayed proudly he was a pedestrian yet enjoyed anyone ferrying him around like a taxi driver. It infantilises him. Prior to him I was used to people who didn’t drive (medical reasons/cost/personal choice whatever) being properly appreciative of someone who did drive them…petrol money offered, no staring at their phone as if you were a servant, etc…he was an eye opener. I have had times where I haven’t owned a car, I’ve always used buses/trains/taxis as it is my responsibility and wouldn’t dream of using a partner as a free taxi.
We lived rurally, had young children, and this issue played a large part in my eyes opening to what a selfish manchild he was. Never regretted splitting up for a second.

Go on driving him around strike.

See what happens.

He has said he would get a car but hasn't so tell him he can sort his own transport next time he visits you you fancy waiting in with a bottle of wine.

Maybe you're just incompatible.

I get where you're coming from. My husband didn't drive when I met him and I thought ohhhh it's ok I'll just drive, no problem, I like driving.

But over time it just gets wearing always being the one to do it. So about 3yrs in my H got driving lessons and passed his test so he could share the driving (well - in theory. He was a bit scared of motorways and rural lanes, but I appreciated his willingness.)

Now I would be reluctant to get with someone who didn't drive. Especially as my adult son doesn't drive and probably won't ever be able to. It's kinda used up all my energy and enthusiasm for giving lifts.

Then it sounds as though the need for a car is driven mostly by your location and lifestyle, not his. You insisting he should own a car because it’s easier for you is no different to him insisting that you should move somewhere more urban because it’s easier for him.

You can dump someone for any reason you want, that’s up to you, but dumping somebody who is otherwise a decent partner for not owning a car they wouldn’t need if it weren’t for you seems shortsighted.

So he still lives in the city? Why would he buy a car then? It's absolutely daft to live in the city and own a car if you can manage without.

If you're driving to pick him up... stop, and let him manage his own way to your place. If you want to share the driving if you're e.g. going on leisure excursions around where you live on weekends, then tell him you need to put him on your insurance so you can share the driving for this now and you need his license details and to share the cost.

My partner of ten years doesn't drive. I don't like driving much but I end up doing all of it. I have mostly accepted this, but on long stressful journeys and occasional hospital visits, I would be so grateful if he would share the driving load. If I were ever dating again, there is no way I would choose someone who would never drive.