Boyfriend won’t drive

[TwistedCable]

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

And what about the OPs desire not to drive all the time. Should that not be respected too

Huh? What? Forever? Forever more how things started is how you must accept them forever more till the end of time.

This is completely insane.

Total deal breaker for me but I'm Irish and here everyone learns be minute they're 17 as public transport anywhere is rubbish.

At the minute he doesn’t have to drive because you’re doing it all. So stop doing it! He wants to get somewhere he’ll have to get there. If he asks you to pick him up just say sorry I can’t/don’t want to/not my responsibility to drive you round anymore.
He must have got himself and his son around before you came along. Maybe if he has to get more buses and taxis he’ll have an incentive to want to drive

Thanks all. Like @Crazycrazylady I’m from a similar background so it seems so weird.

I would respect his decision not to drive if he’d been honest about it. But I never considered for a minute that he wouldn’t: he just said no car cos city; reasonable enough.

it’s been helpful seeing the replies. His ex drove him and their son around, and I think he’s always relied on his partners for chauffeuring and the associated responsibilities.

it is tiring, despite the naysayers, as every holiday, day out, whatever, as well as day to day activities fall to me. And it would be nice to have a pick up after dropping my car at the garage; or lunch with a friend.

And I think it’s also a bit of this

I don't drive. Well I can and have with a licensed person in the car, but struggle to pass the test and not for lack of trying. But I've always lived in cities so it's never been a priority. Also travelled the world and never needed it. It is on my list of things to do eventually. If I lived rurally, I imagine it would be a necessity. However, my DP loves driving so this doesn't bother him at all (which is fortunate!). I do organise all our trips though and help navigate on the road, and help with route planning. City folk just don't need driving the same way, is your bf one? I was surprised to see that Jamie Laing on Made in Chelsea is only now taking driving lessons in his mid 30s!

In every relationship people play to their strengths and weaknesses and there's deal breakers. If it bothers you or you find it stressful, it's not the right relationship. If he was a smoker and you hated smoking you wouldn't date him, or he spent all his free time cycling and you hated it, you wouldn't date him.

Don't force him to drive if he isn't confident or comfortable though - he's more likely to be a risk to everyone else!

I would dump him. I would want someone who is independent. It's one thing if you've been with someone for a long time and there's a reason why they can't drive anymore. Having said that you'd be in the same area anyway so it wouldn't be such hard work. With this guy he just isn't an adult. He thinks you're his mum and that is a very unattractive thing.

I think he just doesn’t want to drive and is happy for me to do it all. (There is a lot! Even in the city) And when his son needs to go places. He is helpless when it comes to planning routes etc

I wouldnt consider dating a person like this for a single moment.

Don't be his taxi. He can take a taxi or other transport if he wants.

I'd say 'you know that you not driving bothers me as it causes me stress, money and time. So here's my plan. Unless it's my plan, I won't be chauffeuring you around. If it is my plan then I'll expect £x per mile from you to offset this inadequacy. Going forward I'll need you to be driving within x months or I'll have to seriously look at this relationship as I feel taken advantage of.'

He'll either see he's being a cf and buy a car. Or tell you you're being rude, out of line etc. then I'd be deciding he likes me more for my car than me.

Also maybe tell him your car needs some random new part that will limit your mileage until you get it sorted. Sorry you can't remember the name...

If a boyfriend started talking about charging me per mile for trips I would tell them where to go!

Just pull right back and match your effort to his. Don't do any of his transportation responsibilities. Definitely don't ferry his son around. Just get yourself from A to B. If he doesn't pull his socks up, get rid. He's lazy.

Deal breaker for me- I’m not
ferrying a partner around like I’m his mum. Really off putting!

He’s saying he doesn’t need to drive but he basically does, unless you facilitate his parenting/ contact with his son. As pp suggested I’d just stop facilitating it. Only drive when it’s your plan and the rest of the time just say” hey I thought we’d use whatever transport you’d be using if I didn’t exist”. Once he gets sick of three bus roulette he may change his attitude.

As a non-driver I've always thought the MN obsession that Men Should Drive and Non-Driving = Ick to be somewhat tiresome.

However non-drivers should absolutely be sorting out how to transport themselves and their dependents from A to B without relying on new partners, his inability to plan routes is ridiculous. He should have that firmly under control with no need to inconvenience OP at all.

I don't think it's odd for a city dweller with good public transport infrastructure to not have a car or to drive. It's also pretty common for people to lose confidence in driving after a long time off, that's why refresher lessons are so popular. Some people never get regain that confidence. He isn't unreasonable to be a non driver. It isn't compulsory.

Equally, YANBU to want a partner who can share the driving burden. If it's that big a deal, end things. I don't mean that harshly but it if it bothers you this much now, it'll really bother you down the line, when the pink fuzziness of new love has worn off.

The only unreasonable things I can see in the problem are him in expecting you to drive his child around (not your responsibility) and you complaining about driving the distance between your rural location and his urban location (the lack of other transport options in your rural area isn't his fault).

Thanks all. I shall take this on board (along with my other passengers😃)

Im going to be very strict about no lifts or going out of my way for drop offs, etc. I tend to do it because I feel a bit mean but this obviously perpetuates the problem.

I should add, his son (a child) lives with him full time. Hence why we shall not be living together- I’m smitten enough to have put up with the driving thing. But not daft enough to move in together!

@MalcolmTuckersSwearBox its more that I feel he wasn’t honest with me about driving. I could quite see why he didn’t have a car, as you say, city. But i had no idea he wouldn’t drive. And he continually promises that this will change..

Of course it’s up to him whether he drives or not.

I did notice that at the end of my thread there are a number of very very similar threads, with promises etc, but still getting ferried around!

Maybe he is selfish. Or, maybe he also can't admit that driving is making him uncomfortable - maybe it's "unmanly" to admit?

Personally I am a city dweller. I only learned to drive as an adult and drove for a short time long time ago - when I lived in suburbia. Tried driving in London and got massive anxiety over it. If I forced myself to drive now - I'd not be a safe driver. And my MH would certainly suffer.

So - I get that it is not comfortable for you to drive all the time. But - he hasn't driven for years - for whatever reason. He can's possibly be a good or safe driver. Do you really want to put your life in his hands?

Don't offer to drive him and his son around. Plan activities that involve public transport - you don't have to drive yourself if you don't want to.
With him being urban and you more rural - what is the long term plan anyway? Often people feel strongly about these choices and don't easily shift from one to another.

So - maybe it's not about driving per se - and more about long term?

Just tell him how it is making you feel. He may be oblivious. He could have anxiety around driving, and your routine lifts have solved that. Alternatively, could money be the reason he hasn't taken the leap into driving himself.

Dump him!

Has he said why he doesn't want to go on your car insurance?

You need to have a conversation with him about this. He may well feel unconfident about driving if he hasn't for a long time, but maybe you could talk about him doing a few refresher lessons with an instructor? You could also point out that having a satnav makes things like route planning much easier than it used to be.

He’s not oblivious! I’ve told him many times.

yes, we have different approaches. Which I hadn’t realised to begin with