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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t drive

218 replies

TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 10:32

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 01/02/2024 09:21

Fine for him not to drive, not fine for him to expect you to. If he suggesting getting trains/ubers/walking everywhere then U wouldn’t have too much of a problem, but he sounds like he’s just lying about the driving and then using you.

DreadPirateRobots · 01/02/2024 10:06

With your updates, YANBU to be ticked off. This isn't a citydweller who is used to getting themselves around issue though, it's a selfishness problem and a not being honest with you problem.

Definitely stop ferrying him and his DC. It's time for him to rediscover either his ability to get about without a car or his driving license. And if nothing changes then yeah, that's breakup territory.

BMW6 · 01/02/2024 10:35

OP I don't drive, also live in a city. If I were single and met someone who drove I certainly wouldn't expect them to drive us everywhere!

Obviously living rurally you need to get to your meetings with him, but surely you're not picking him up/driving him home? Isn't he making his own way to wherever you're going?

GingerIsBest · 01/02/2024 11:00

The issue is not him not driving. The issue is that he seems to expect you to play taxi. THAT is something I'd be furious about.

if he doesn't want to drive, that's fine. But if the result is that you have to go collect him before you go anywhere - vs meeting there or him coming to collect you - or you have to rearrange your schedule to accommodate him or you're doing lots of lifts for his DS or whatever it is, then he's basically just using you and the "oh, I'll get it sorted" thing is just a sop to make sure his personal taxi never goes away.

SamW98 · 01/02/2024 11:03

I’ve actually changed my view since your updates. Seems like he expects you to be his unpaid taxi and can’t be arsed to make his own arrangements.

If he lives in a city and hasn’t owned a car for a while, there’s no way he wouldn’t be familiar with transport links. He just sounds entitled.

Start saying no to being his chauffeur- see how he reacts.

aitchteeaitch · 01/02/2024 16:47

The cynic in me wonders whether he would want to have you as a girlfriend if you didn't drive either...

Original poster
TwistedCable · 01/02/2024 18:43

@aitchteeaitch quite.

It actually wouldn’t be possible at all. Food for thought

OP posts:
Original poster
TwistedCable · 01/02/2024 23:17

I think the thing is that I’m a proactive and independent person. He’s more passive and happy to go with the flow. He’s charming, and I think has been happy to rely on women for transport, housing and travel. Sadly, that’s not me

OP posts:
aitchteeaitch · 01/02/2024 23:21

@TwistedCable He needs to be told then, doesn't he?

AddictedToTea · 01/02/2024 23:24

Other than for a medical reasons, I would not date an adult who couldn’t drive. I don’t like driving but I do it because it makes mine and my children’s life easier. I wouldn’t want to be the only one ferrying to clubs, going to pick up the click and collect order or driving places at the weekend. Sometimes I want to be the one doom scrolling on my phone or having a nap in the car and it’s a little dangerous if you’re the driver!

CombatBarbie · 01/02/2024 23:28

Are you sure he's actually got a license. I mean he may have panicked and said yes when you first asked him.

Cornishclio · 01/02/2024 23:33

Why are you driving him and his son around? Stop that as if he says he won't drive he has to realise you are not his taxi. I would be insisting that he makes an effort to come out to yours. If there is no bus he will need to taxi it or walk.

Marchintospring · 01/02/2024 23:37

Yeah. I reckon he’s just got a provisional and he is bigging it up.
My DS is 20. Got his driving license at 18 and refused to drive because he hated it. Scared of the whole concept basically.
Got himself a girlfriend and within weeks bought a car because he wanted to see her all the time not just when the trains were running.

Don’t make it easy is the answer.

Lampan · 01/02/2024 23:37

This is absolutely a deal breaker to me. I remember years ago listening to friends say they wouldn’t date a guy who didn’t drive and I thought they were being shallow. Then I dated one. He actually lied and said he could drive, when in fact what he meant was that he was having lessons, so could technically drive but had no license. The lie annoyed me a lot. As OP said, giving him a lift anywhere just made me feel like his mum and that’s so off-putting, even though I made a point of hardly ever driving him anywhere.
More recently I met a lovely guy who lives rurally and won’t (but can) drive. Still a dealbreaker. It would mean that every date would mean me doing all the driving, never being able to have a drink, probably doing most of the planning too - no thanks.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/02/2024 23:37

Maybe he's been banned from
Driving?
Maybe he's had a medical issue that means he can't drive

Or maybe he's just bone idle

Bordesleyhills · 03/02/2024 07:11

I nipped the driving in the bud with my now husband when we started seeing each other -he started off saying i couldn’t drive to yours - 40 minutes on two small bits of rural motorway not busy if you go at the right time. Told him no driving no relationship… he managed it and did it well. Total lack of experience. 5 years later he’s off to a hen do- is x ( me) driving you up asks ex work colleague… no I am… but I had to push.

Vinrouge4 · 03/02/2024 08:24

You shouldn’t be responsible for driving his son around.

Mirabai · 03/02/2024 09:00

TwistedCable · 01/02/2024 23:17

I think the thing is that I’m a proactive and independent person. He’s more passive and happy to go with the flow. He’s charming, and I think has been happy to rely on women for transport, housing and travel. Sadly, that’s not me

That’s such an unattractive trait and suggests the dependency and passivity go well beyond driving.

But you’re posting on a forum with a lot of women who are terrified of driving and see your complaint about him as a criticism of them. So these replies are a primarily a defence of themselves rather than an objective comment on your situation.

If he lives in a city this doesn’t need a car ok. But you’d expect that he would be happy to be put on your insurance to share the driving. He may be crap at driving, he may be scared of it, he may even have lied when he said he could drive, either way passivity, reliance on you, and the dishonesty is deeply unattractive. The one relationship I know well where one partner doesn’t drive it causes a great deal of friction and stress for the driver.

Bikesandbees · 03/02/2024 09:51

This is becoming more and more common, and rightly so. If you live in a city, driving should not be your default mode of transport. Cities can’t sustain everyone driving for every trip, and alternatives like public transport and walking/cycling need to be prioritised. Many European cities have extremely low driving rates and car ownership rates, and they manage just fine, even in emergencies.

If you drive and have a car, and it’s your default mode of transport, then you may have ended up feeling like the one doing all the driving, because it may not be worth it for him to get a car for his own needs. Either add him to your insurance and let him do some of the driving, or drive less and use other forms of transport to get around.

What does he do when you’re not around? Why not do that with him more often and drive less yourself? If you want to drive everywhere, he’s just going to end up joining you, but maybe he can help you navigate the alternatives and you can leave the car at home sometimes.

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 03/02/2024 10:01

I'm curious whether those who wouldn't date a non-driver are including those who can't drive through no fault of their own.

You wouldn't date someone who was severely visually impaired or epileptic? And presumably certainly not someone living in poverty or deeply passionate about the environment?

Quirkyme · 03/02/2024 10:03

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 03/02/2024 10:01

I'm curious whether those who wouldn't date a non-driver are including those who can't drive through no fault of their own.

You wouldn't date someone who was severely visually impaired or epileptic? And presumably certainly not someone living in poverty or deeply passionate about the environment?

What's there to be curious about when this has already been answered by many.

The people who don't want to drive a non-drive don't want to date a non-driver.

What you're asking has already been answered.

SamW98 · 03/02/2024 10:04

Quirkyme · 03/02/2024 10:03

What's there to be curious about when this has already been answered by many.

The people who don't want to drive a non-drive don't want to date a non-driver.

What you're asking has already been answered.

Show quote history

Ditto. Not driving is a dealbreaker for me - the reason is irrelevant.

Mirabai · 03/02/2024 10:09

Either add him to your insurance and let him do some of the driving, or drive less and use other forms of transport to get around.

If you read the thread, she offered to add him to her insurance and he declined.

As she lives rurally she may well not be able to drive less.

Samlewis96 · 03/02/2024 10:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That's fine but then they should also not expect lifts or partners to constantly drive either.

Chanhedforthis · 03/02/2024 10:18

I don't think he actually has a license op, maybe hes a bit embarrassed?

I'd dump him it's not going to work.

Also a non driver here (due to lack of money!) my DH does the driving but I am learning after the birth of DC3 as I want my independence!

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