Boyfriend won’t drive

[TwistedCable]

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

Nah. At 16 both my boys had driver's licenses and their own cars (3rd hand junkers). At 16 my siblings and I also had our driver's licenses, although we didn't get cars til we were 18, we drove our parents' cars easily. Your boyfriend just sounds like a lazy man-child. (Caveat: unless it turns out he actually can't drive and is too embarrassed/ashamed to say why).

So what do you plan to do?

Yes it’s a deal breaker.
Even if he hasn’t got a car of his own he should share the driving and the costs of yours.
If you had kids in the future it would be really difficult if you were the only driver.

Are you sure that he has got his license?
He says he can drive but can he legally?
He needs to get his act together, for you!

My ex suddenly gave up driving and we lived quite rural meaning I had to do the kids extra curricular, all shopping ( there was no online option then), I did all driving for holidays, gave him lifts to
work. I was the only one who could take anyone to the doctor/ out of hours etc.
I worked full time. He was " househusband"(cocklodger)who worked occasionally.

It allowed him to be lazy whilst ensuring I was too busy / exhausted to see the wood for the trees and too worn out to confront.
That was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of his toxicity.

Looking back it was how he wanted things but I didn't see it at the time.

I'm well rid now.

Its a bit different if you dont live together but if you ever plan on making a life with someone and starting a family, either move to the city or insit that they do their share of driving so that they can fulfil their share
of life admin.

Dump him. If he’s that selfish with driving (or not driving as the case may be) he’ll be selfish in other ways.

*Bestyearever2024

Gosh. He sounds like a rather sweet 16 year old 🙄😳

Yes! This is it*

Doesn't it give you the ick?

I'd be running for the hills

Not a popular option but would give me the ick.

I sympathise. I’m several years into a relationship with someone who does drive and owns a car, but seems to think I’ll drive us ( in my car) everywhere we go. Yes, we have spoken about it ( or I have) no, he doesn’t contribute to petrol. Yes, he’s on my Insurance. Yes, he’s lovely apart from that……. And yes, friends and neighbours have commented on me being his driver in the past.
local journeys aren’t an issue, but we visit friends and family who live several hours away, and I no longer enjoy driving ( did I ever?) and find this stressful.
If it bothers you I’d make the break now before you wonder where all those years have gone xx

I know a few people myself and DS included who passed their tests just so they could do things with the people they were dating. I had failed a couple of times but made a massive effort to pass because my almost boyfriend at the time needed to fly off on duty and I wanted to give him a lift ( he drove up and I drove his car back).

The fact he can but doesn’t is the worst bit. Why tell you he can drive in the first place. And to keep saying he will but not following through is making him a liar.

I can't quite tell - do you routinely have to do extra driving - eg detouring to collect him or drop him off or to help him manage his chores?

I have a vague memory of a friend who didn't drive but who would turn up at my house or take a train to my nearest station if we were going somewhere that required driving together. Weirdly I can't remember the details of this person except that. So I didn't mind.

One of the women I know from the school run doesn't drive but she just walks/takes public transport and when people do give her lifts or her children lifts to sport etc, she always offers money etc and never ever expects it as a given although I could imagine some people might land up feeling responsible which would probalby be annoying.

"I can't quite tell - do you routinely have to do extra driving - eg detouring to collect him or drop him off or to help him manage his chores?"

Yes, this is not clear.
OP talks about giving lifts, but it's not clear where. If it's to her place, then I'd say that's her own fault for living rurally.
The other things she mentions like hospital appointments don't require a car if you live in a city and the hospital is in that city or another city.
Taking a car to the airport makes little sense anyway because parking would be extremely expensive.

My friends husband could drive but never did, unfortunately he had a serious accident that left someone with lifelong disability, he’s only ever told his wife about it and apart from his parents, nobody else knew

Routine lifts. Obviously things like lifts to the airport are good, it’s stupid to say otherwise. How would you get to an early flight? There is no transport to that, not even reliable taxis round here.

It’s hardly “my fault” for not living in a city ffs. He knew where I lived. He told me he could drive.

What a horrible thing to happen 💐

this is not the case here

@Justanoldlady that is indeed food for thought

@Marchintospring that’s lovely

If there is 'fault', it certainly isn't all one sided. You entered into a relationship based on what he said to you; that he could (and would) drive. You've now found yourself in a situation other than what you signed up for. He said one thing, he's doing another. That's his fault. I guess the only 'fault' here for you would be that you've put up with it too long and now you're feeling frustration and upset. And that you keep asking him to drive when he's made it clear (by his stonewalling) that he has no intention of doing so.

I think it's time to pull the plug on it and find yourself someone who fits your very reasonable requirement; someone who can and is willing to share the driving. He isn't, so why stick around?

Based on his refusal to drive and the distance apart you live, he's what we called 'GU', geographically undesirable.

I understand what she is saying and seems like he is taking advantage.
But also, this is an US and UK thing. In other countries where the public transport is top people really do not care. Sure, it's a plus, but not a deal breaker.

Ask to see his licence.