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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t drive

218 replies

TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 10:32

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 03/02/2024 17:16

I agree with PPs who think he doesnt have a license or has lost it.

LaTricoteuseVieux · 03/02/2024 17:22

TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 15:51

It’s not so much that he doesn’t own a car, it’s that he won’t drive. I’fe offered to out him on the insurance but he says not.
The car club suggestion is a good one but I think again he will say maybe but nothing will happen.

I’ve asked him if he’s banned! But he says no.

I think he just doesn’t want to drive and is happy for me to do it all. (There is a lot! Even in the city) And when his son needs to go places. He is helpless when it comes to planning routes etc.

if I’d known he would never drive, I would have thought carefully. But he did not say that. He also promises that things will change, as he knows how much this bothers me. But they don’t.

Time to put this one back, op.

You're not his mum, and he can go back to how he managed his time and journeys befire he met you. You need to stop facilitating this behaviour.

I enjoy driving but would never consuder someone who didn't drive and have a car. I like going places and I'm not doing all the driving.

LaTricoteuseVieux · 03/02/2024 17:23

HellonHeels · 03/02/2024 17:16

I agree with PPs who think he doesnt have a license or has lost it.

I alao agree with this!

Gloriosaford · 03/02/2024 17:27

he might be banned?

Topseyt123 · 03/02/2024 17:30

I'm not a keen driver and really only drive much because we live semi rurally with limited public transport options, so I have no choice. I do also especially dislike driving at night because I don't feel that my night vision is good enough and I am too easily dazzled by oncoming headlights.

If I lived in a city with a much better public transport infrastructure on my doorstep then I doubt I would even have a car.

I actually avoid driving where I can. Even where we live, I've got used to getting myself places on public transport when I want to (the buses round here are not great as I said, but have improved significantly since lockdown).

That said, I do think this man is taking the piss somewhat too. He certainly shouldn't be expecting you to ferry his child around and I think you should stop that immediately.

Have you actually seriously looked into getting to his place without driving all the way? Parking at a local station, getting the train and then bus or taxi at the other end? And vice versa for him coming to visit you (he'd quite probably have to get a taxi to yours from your local station, I do know that).

Actually, my main problem with not wanting to drive much is persuading my DH and my DD that I am actually perfectly happy to get the bus back from our local station and do not expect to be collected. They rarely let me, which is sweet of them but I do make clear that I expect nothing.

LizzieBennetsSister · 03/02/2024 17:51

Can you plan a short trip somewhere in this country, and say you will need to be sharing the driving, as its too much for one? Say you will put him on your insurance, etc. and see what his reaction is.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 03/02/2024 18:34

Gross. Dead unattractive.

GreekDogRescue · 03/02/2024 19:12

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 03/02/2024 10:01

I'm curious whether those who wouldn't date a non-driver are including those who can't drive through no fault of their own.

You wouldn't date someone who was severely visually impaired or epileptic? And presumably certainly not someone living in poverty or deeply passionate about the environment?

Yes but he doesn’t suffer from any of these impairments, he is just lazy.
I have a relative who won’t drive because an of his environmental beliefs. Just means he expects everybody else to drive him around. Men like this are pathetic.

SocksMcR · 03/02/2024 19:15

You're not young... and he doesn't have any medical conditions that prevent him from driving YET.

I think you should break up and get an account with a good taxi firm. Seems like it would save you both a lot of trouble.

GreekDogRescue · 03/02/2024 19:16

OP I couldn’t cope with a man like this. He has cocklodger written all over him.
Driving is hard work, I hate it but would not expect someone else to chauffeur me about.
I have a tiny friend, she weighs about 7 stone, and her foul bullying husband expects her to do all the driving between here and France where they live. He is too
lazy to put petrol in the car!

Mel2023 · 03/02/2024 19:22

If he hasn’t driven for a while getting back behind the wheel can be so daunting, and it’s possible he could have been a nervous driver to begin with? Why not have a calm conversation with him and be honest - if it is that he’s really nervous but is willing to work up to it, could you offer to put to put him on your insurance and go for little journeys to build it up? That said, if he’s really not wanting to drive don’t push him. Some people are nervous drivers and that will make it worse. If he’s just being lazy, then that’s different.

My DH didn’t drive when we met and he only took his test in his mid-20s for work purposes, but couldn’t afford a car. I was regularly driving hours to see him every weekend (we did long distance for a while) and then when we were there all the days out were my responsibility travel-wise. It did get frustrating so I understand why it’s bothering you. I eventually asked my DH if he would mind going on my insurance so we could share the driving when I visited and for trips away, and that was fine.

lififestrife · 03/02/2024 19:24

I can see both sides to this. I have a license but don't do very much of the driving as I have ADHD which affects my concentration and poor spatial awareness so I don't feel I'm a very safe driver and it gives me terrible anxiety. I do feel bad for my husband who has to do most of the driving though. However as we live in a big city we have plenty of public transport options and I rarely ask for lifts. The issue here seems to be more about his expectations of you doing all driving while he is unwilling to drive. Does he get himself around on public transport and use taxis or ask you for lifts for everything?

karpouzi · 03/02/2024 19:58

Have you ever thought that he might have had a bad experience on the road that made him uncomfortable driving? I was in a car accident in the past and it shocked me so much that I do not want to even get a driving license. My DH does all of the driving time. You cannot force someone to go on the road for his and the rest of the people’s safety!

Ee1498 · 03/02/2024 20:06

I've lived this and feel your frustration.
They're happy for you to do all the work and pay all the costs. It's like having a child.
From your posts he's now made it clear that he has no intention of every driving and why would he, when someone is doing it for him? In my experience this frustration will only grow. It is unfair on you to always be the driver, if he doesn't see that/agree, then probably best to get rid.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/02/2024 20:11

It was not until I learned to drive in my mid twenties (in London so never really needed one til I got a job out of London) that I realized what a drag it can be to have someone in your life who does not drive. It is ok if it is a friend, but with a partner, I would find this a bit of a pain.

luw7797 · 03/02/2024 20:11

My partner can’t drive and has been dragging his feet with learning for two years! I understand your annoyance completely, it’s frustrating being the only driver! We have a 1 year old and it takes him an hour to get to and from work because he has to walk to the train station from work, get the train, then walk home from the train station. If he could drive it would take 15 minutes 🙄. It adds two hours of lone parenting to my day. I’m putting my foot down this year and saying he needs to learn, I don’t think it’s wrong or unfair like some PP have said.

Ee1498 · 03/02/2024 20:13

Totally! This could be the reason why he doesn't want to drive. Which is fine. But on the same note, he can't force OP to be his personal chauffeur.
If he'd said this was the issue from the start, then OP could have gone into this relationship fully informed and made a decision whether that was acceptable to her. As it is, he's made excuses as to why he doesn't drive, vetoed compromises and laid all the responsibility at her feet. That's not a partnership.

Bluenotgreen · 03/02/2024 20:14

I can’t believe you have also fallen into being his sons chauffeur?

It is possible he’s lying about being able to drive. Either way, it’s not working for you so…

BlueGrey1 · 03/02/2024 21:22

Why would he get a car and spend the extra money when he can get away without one and as long as he has someone to cart him around

Is he on a low wage? Could he afford to get one

I would find having to drive a grown man around very unattractive and a pain in the ass

Is he very tight?

BlueGrey1 · 03/02/2024 22:29

He’s charming, and I think has been happy to rely on women for transport, housing and travel. Sadly, that’s not me

Definitely wouldn’t be for me either, he must be ridicuolously attractive / charming / great in bed or something for women to be putting up with this?

Believeitornot · 03/02/2024 22:30

I suspect he’s scared. It’s amazing the lies you tell yourself and others to avoid driving. It doesn’t make it right though

travelforthesoul · 03/02/2024 22:34

Actions, not words @TwistedCable

I wouldn't be driving the son or him around anywhere. If he wants to see you, he will get there. But to be honest this sort of behaviour would be a total turn off for me and I wouldn't continue the relationship.

NaughtybutNice77 · 04/02/2024 01:38

I think the issue is bigger than the lack of driving. He's happy with the status quo, you're not. You resent what youre 'doing for him/us' with driving and planning trips when he 'does nothing' but the truth is that although he probably enjoys your outings he didn't ask for them and he's really not that bothered....but you are.
You're not compatible long term. It's a shame when 2 people are both 'nice' and no ones 'at fault' but it looks like your at an en pas. Leave him to date and socialise with city girls or those that don't mind driving. Talking of drive...find someone with similar drive to you.

Justfinking · 04/02/2024 02:58

Ugh what a loser and so unappealing, driving is a basic life skill. Just get rid.

NoThanksymm · 04/02/2024 04:53

Totally get why you ended up in so deep. City, no car, all reasonable.

WONT DRIVE. You’re driving his kid… he can’t be bothered to get a car to visit you…

sounds like a freeloader. Get rid of him.

DUMP HIM. You can do better.

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