Boyfriend won’t drive

[TwistedCable]

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

I sympathise with OP thinking it might be a deal breaker, because it sounds like the man in question just can't be bothered to drive and is happy for all the burden to fall on her.

Just the other day DH expressed concern that his disabled brother would never marry because no woman would be interested in a disabled man. I objected to his implication that most women are that shallow.

I owe DH an apology... A few answers on here have shown that there are people around who are every bit that shallow!

Not sure Its men who need to drive Pretty much anyone who isn't in a large city

I would not be driving his child around and making it convenient for him to use you as a taxi. But more than the driving issue, which is his own business, That said, if he won't make the effort to get to you ever, then to hell with him. I'd be more worried that you already feel like his mum. That won't improve, I'd guess.

If he has his child with him permanently and therefore you don't plan to move in with him, where do you see this relationship going, anyway?

This is a simple boundaries issue. You tell him that you will only be doing your share of the driving from x date. Give him a bit of time to solve the problem, if you want, and then stick to your word.

What stops you doing that?

I think people refusing to learn is usually down to anxiety, although a man might not ever admit he was scared. I was terrified of driving. I put it off until. I was 35. It's now been nearly 15 years and I can drive but I'm still quite anxious. DH still has to do busy motorways, M25 etc and he still does more driving than me. However, it's great that I can drive. I'll happily do quieter motorways, country roads etc so we can generally share driving on days out and holidays. I can also take the kids to all their social activities. It's great not being dependent on others.
I haven't read the whole thread but has your partner admitted to anxiety around driving?

But surely you'd catch a train into London for a night out @SamW98 ? That's what everyone does?

I very rarely go into London since I moved out but every now and again we have a girls afternoon in Shoreditch and get the train. But wouldn’t want to date someone where I had to keep getting public transport to dates. And further down the line I don't want to be staying at theirs taking my overnight bags on the train.

It’s personal preference - London doesn’t appeal anymore. I’m too old and set in my ways now.

Just to add I live in a pretty rural area that’s 5/6 miles from the nearest station so even if I’m getting train I either need to drive to station anyway so won’t drink or else it’s £20 each way in a cab.
So being an easy ish drive from me is high on my priorities for meeting someone.

From watching two marriages with this issue, where there were children involved, jobs, and a lot of running around, one of the spouses refused to drive, I watched it wear both of the drivers into the ground. Both marriages broke up and both 'drivers' appear to feel a lot lighter without the added burden of the 'helpless' spouse.

I had kids with a non driver who promised he'd learn and I'm sorry but it is tough. And it's nor just the physical driving. You end up doing all of the planning too as you are literally driving everything ! It's tough for non drivers to hear but yeah, it's a big issue.

If he knows how you feel, and doesn't change what's in his power to change, then this isn't a driving thing. It's a respect thing. Letting you take the burden when you're unhappy doing so is just rude.

It’s not only about the driving, it’s the entitlement.

As an example my friend lives in London and first really like driving but she’s totally honest and upfront about it. If I’m going somewhere and driving I’ll offer her a lift and she always offers petrol money. Her partner lives 2 hours away and he drives to visit her but she will always get the train to him. That works for them because they were both honest from start and there’s no entitlement or expectation.

I had an ex who wouldn't drive for environmental reasons but wanted me to ferry him around all the time even when there was easy public transport available which i would rather have used as i dislike driving.

My cousin's DH wouldn't learn to drive. Fair enough, no one should be forced to drive. But he wouldn't fly either, yet wanted to have UK holidays in a certain area which required 6+ hour journeys each way. She also had to do all the food shopping (pre online delivery). Days out which weren't accessible by bus / train were down to her too. Friend didn't like driving but had to suck it up, he refused to learn yet wanted to go to places they could only get to by car. A total lack of respect for my cousin I always thought. They are still together but she wouldn't say it's a happy marriage.

His ex drove him and their son around, and I think he’s always relied on his partners for chauffeuring and the associated responsibilities
My guess is that he feels he is entitled to this in a relationship and he will always be trying to work towards it, or rather work YOU towards it OP!

Have you seen his license? I’d be dubious it exists.

He sounds like a freeloading man child. Charming or not. Actually, the users tend to be pretty charming, that’s how they take advantage of kind women.

I find an inability to drive to be deeply off putting. I wouldn’t want another dopey dependent.

it’s been helpful seeing the replies. His ex drove him and their son around, and I think he’s always relied on his partners for chauffeuring and the associated responsibilities.

His ex as in his sons mum? If so that’s probably a slightly different scenario as it’s her own child. Its not down to someone hes just dating to be an unpaid family chauffeur

This would give me the absolute ick. There are thousands of men out there OP, get rid.

@TwistedCable

So what do you think you'll do?

If it were me and I enjoyed his company but wasn't really interested in a permanent future, I'd tell him that I was tired of driving and from now on he'd have to do his share of 'transport and travel', meaning he'd have to come to me half the time and I'd drive 'locally' when he was visiting and/or if I traveled to him I'd either take the train or if I drove my car would stay parked the entire time I was there and he'd have to figure out how we're going to get from place A to place B during that time. His reaction and his 'actions' will tell you all you need to know.

If I was interested in a permanent future, I'd probably break it off with him because even if he agreed to the above, chances are it would slack off once we were cohabiting/married.

I think once you (understandably) start feeling like and viewing your significant other as like a child it's the beginning of the end. You feel and are put upon and he's not making the effort to sort out the issue despite the massive hassle it causes for you.

I can’t drive (start learning it next month tho), so my husband does most of the driving including holidays. I share some “driving” responsibilities like planning route, break for every 45 minutes, search for parking space, cooking after long journey, etc to make sure he would not be exhausted. Could you ask him to share some responsibilities or put him into your car insurance?

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but have you actually seen his driving license?

But how does he get him and his child places without you?

For me the deal breaker part isn’t the non-driving but an inability to organise/plan to get places without being dependent on someone else.