Boyfriend won’t drive

[TwistedCable]

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

This. Why should he drive just because you think he should? Presumably he has managed his life around not driving up until now. You knew he didn't drive when you got together, you can't insist now that he does. Your location appears to the the problem, that's not his fault.

My DM 2nd husband promised her he would learn to drive when they married but he never did & she drove him everywhere for 35 years.

Are you reading the same thread? He says he can drive and uses the OP to ferry him and his child around? And it was same with his previous relationship.

I hate to say it but I think this would be a deal breaker for me, particularly if there is no big issue e.g. medical reasons, severe anxiety around driving.

It's as if he just can't be arsed to make his (and your) life better/ easier, which is deeply unattractive.

When I met my DH, he didn't drive. He grew up in London, failed his test a few times. I do remember telling him that he needed to be able to drive as it was a life skill and that I wasn't prepared to drive him everywhere. He had a few more lessons and passed, thank goodness.

I do think you need to tell him that you don't want to be his chauffeur/ mother

@IloveAslan but he didn't say 'I don't drive because I don't want to'
He said he could drive but he didn't because he didn't have a car. He also kept promising that he would get a car which hasn't materialised.
I completely understand why OP would be pissed off by his lack of action. He is a CCL
(car-cocklodger)

She can insist on anything she pleases as a condition for continuing the relationship.

Reading all your comments it would definitely be a deal breaker for me! He sounds like someone who lacks drive (pardon the pun), and is happy to be a taker in life! Red flag.

Yes, this would be a deal breaker. I couldn't taxi someone around like their mum. If you both lived inner city, that I get. But he obviously isn't putting the work in that is needed to make this work as he knows this bothers you, and it will only bother you more as time goes on and he continues to do nothing to sort it out.

My ex H didn't drive when I met him in our 20’s but he was born and bred in London lived very close to transport links, worked in central London and his social life was completely London centric so there really was no need to drive.
I could drive but as I also lived in London, didn’t have a car.
It was only when we moved in together I said I would buy a cheap little runaround and it would be good if he took lessons so we could both share the driving. He agreed and passed first time.

So I totally get why people in cities don’t have cars - the cost far outweighs the benefit. However I would expect a city dweller to be very well versed in transport links and used to getting themselves from a to b without an unpaid chauffeur.

I would never date a non driver now. It’s an absolute deal breaker for me - if that makes me shallow (apparently) then I’ll own it.

You're the one who wants to live un the sticks

If he isn't able to plan routes, his spatial awareness/sense of direction/judgement is so poor that he would be a liability on the road to himself and everyone else - so he's making a sensible choice to not drive. More people should recognise their limitations and keep off the road, IMO.

Whether you decide to break up with him for his decision to keep everybody safer because he just isn't up to the task is your choice.

Driving isn't for everyone. It is a skill that is hugely complex and by the sound of things here (people discussing being dazzled by lights at night), too many people have licences that aren't really safe for them to have.

Saying that, it sounds like there are bigger issues here than him simply not driving. I'd expect a non driver in a relationship with a driver to plan weekends away that are doable by public transport, get themselves to their partner's house, get themselves around the way they always have generally. Seems like this chap doesn't really want to use public transport/his legs so is going down the chauffeur route.

Ah the I won't drive for 'environmental reasons' yet want my partner to take me everywhere in their car instead hypocrite

Bet he enjoyed going abroad on holiday too 😉

God forbid that a woman should live somewhere because she wants to. Obviously she should move to the city to accommodate her lazy boyfriend and his child care responsibilities.

I don't understand the obsession with route planning. I've never planned a route in my life, I have satnav and Google maps for that.

Well no but if you're going to live in the sticks so you have to haul your ass out in a car to go anywhere interesting don't complain when your partner who lives in the city doesn't drive. I was born and raised in a big city and never got my licence because I've never needed it, none of my friends drive either

Does he have dyslexia/dyspraxia/ADHD?

In an emergency you call an ambulance.

For holidays you do a city trip. If you really want to go the countryside, yes, it's useful to be able to share the driving.

Someone told me the other day the cost of having a car where we live is about 500E a month. That's ridiculous. There are car sharing/short-term hire services available though.

Well! This has taken a turn!

just to repeat: I’m not forcing him to drive, nor saying everyone should. The issue is that he told me he could drive, that he had a licence, and that he didn’t have to but was going to. And he keeps saying that, but never does it!

I agree there is no need to buy a car, with share schemes and mine available to him.

Of course he could route plan etc if he wanted to. It’s easier not to, and just be a passenger. He has always been in relationships with women who drive him around, it seems.

Route planning, timings, etc, are not just a case of putting it into the sat nav either, yes, it’s easier than it was, but there’s still all the thinking and indeed the effort of driving.

i enjoy driving, but not all the time. And because I have to drive a lot for work it is a bit wearing then always to drive for everything else, always making sure I’m fit to drive in the mornings, etc after a night out.

the issue is that he gave me an inaccurate picture of the situation. Not that everyone must drive.

thanks to those who understand that

As an aside, whilst there is public transport in his city, it’s not like London. Services are limited and it takes an age to get to places which are easily accessible by car, making trips out without a car difficult.

@TwistedCable

So, what do you plan to say to him? You aren't happy with being his chauffeur but he's perfectly happy to treat you as one. You can't make him drive if he truly doesn't want to and he can't make you drive if you're sick of being the only driver. Kinda sounds like you'll either end up in a stand off about 'who drives' or he'll finally admit the 'real reason' he doesn't drive, assuming there is one.

I once had a bf who lived in LA in an exciting part of the city. I lived in a suburb about an hour or two (depending on rush hour traffic) from him. Because we lived where 'car is king' we both had cars. Because he lived where there was more to do I generally drove to his place for the weekend. But he drove everywhere once I got there. If he occasionally came to my place, I did the driving when he was there. I considered that a fair trade. You need to decide what is 'fair' for you and then stick to it. If he refuses to do his fair share, then dump him.

I just think it’s strange that you don’t know why he won’t drive. If it’s for medical reasons why wouldn’t he just say. If he’s just scared he can see someone and sort it out; I had to. I suddenly started suffering panic attacks while driving; no reason, it just happened and I did give up driving for a year but I noticed the toll it was taking on my husband and decided to do something about it; got treatment for anxiety and now I’m driving just not on dual carriageways or motorways.

Sounds like you've already decided it won't work. I am surprised driving is a deal breaker though I've never heard that before

Don't want to change the course of the thread, but I am curious: I don't drive, I never had any interest in this and also come from a family of bad drivers who had multiple car incidents, even with deaths around them, so I've decided early on is not for me. I've never been dependent to someone to take me and drive me around.

However, it's been an issue for my last partner who couldn't understand that. Am I being unreasable?
Sorry to crash the thread, but I am curious, would love to hear some input.

@SillySausage55 i really think it’s because he’s not that keen to do it and is perfectly happy to be driven about. He’s charming, as a pp guessed, and has always had someone to drive him around.