Boyfriend won’t drive

[TwistedCable]

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

@AndrewLJ, probably best to start your own thread if you've got specific questions around your own situation. Otherwise, you can read how female drivers feel about having non-drivers as partners on the other 7 pages of this thread.

@AndrewLJ i find it weird, as I see it as a life skill. I don’t think YABU, but neither was your partner.

I think it's limiting, but I am very much a person who wants to go places, and do things, and hate being dependent on others, or the vagaries of public transport. Each to their own, no rights or wrongs, but I find it off putting in a partner for me.

But this thread is about transparency.

Cheers, yeah, I somewhat understand it to be honest, but is that really the only reason?
Sorry, I did not read the whole thing, but do you drive in vacations or he wants you to drive him around?

In my case, as I mentioned, driving is not my cup of tea and decided to make that decision and, of course, find solutions without being dependent. I would create more problems so I decided not to drive.

I just would never be in a relationship with a man who didn't drive, even if I lived in London you still need to drive on occasion (every single member of my family/friends who live in London all have cars and all drive, they are all zone 2 rather than zone 1. They don't use cars to commute, and evening socialising, but for absolutely everything else they still need a car.)

It's a life skill like cooking, know how to use a computer etc so for me personally I couldn't be with someone who was happy for me to do 100% of it. Basically means every emergency that isn't a 999 you are on your own to sort it out.

@AndrewLJ of I’d known he wouldn’t drive I would not have embarked on the relationship. Too much responsibility on my shoulders.

Exactly, @wallywotwot

Gosh. He sounds like a rather sweet 16 year old 🙄😳

If he doesn’t feel the need to have a car then don’t let him benefit from yours, visit each other 50/50 he can plan his own travel to you and don’t give him lifts/take his son places as he clearly managed this before meeting you

Have you actually seen his driving licence? My first thought is that he has been banned for some reason.

You need to find out why he doesn't want to drive?

Is it because he is lazy and can let you do it? - Then very bad.

Is it because he is secretly scared of driving? - Then not good to pressure him.

It all depends on the reasons why, so until you have an open conversation with him then you are stuck.

Approach from a place of assuming the best in him and choose a time to talk about it when you are both not in a rush, hungry or tired.

I’ve spoken to him a million times about it. Not to pressurise him, but to say how I feel.

He always just says he will drive.

So has he given a date?

It’s always a few months away

I’m 40 and have never driven. It’s very easy. Also, people need to stop using cars because the world can’t withstand it.

very much your choice @Katbum

I lived in London for decades and never saw the point of having a car...

I think you can't force someone to drive especially if they don't need it in their daily life.

Having a car is expensive and in big cities parking can be a pain and then you have the non stop traffic and congestion charge (if that city is London).

Also, I think rather than focusing on the driving aspect you should think about whether you are planning to live together and where, since at the moment you don't even live in the same area, and whether this is a long term relationship or not.

Because it could be that your boyfriend has no intention of leaving the city, and therefore sees no urgency to own a car, and is not even thinking of your relationship as a long term thing.

Stop focusing on the car and ask yourself a wider question about whether you and your boyfriend are really on the same page.

I am not trying to force him to drive!!!

And I will not live with him, partly because he doesn’t drive. All the supermarket
shops; kid activities; hospital appointments/pick ups; diy shops; weekends away; outings; holidays; airport journeys

Yes! This is it

@TwistedCable out of interest, I see a lot of assuming why he won’t drive. Have you really gone into why? I don’t really drive anymore. Reason: lost a sibling to a car crash, so now terrified of driving. It was traumatic and the weight of responsibility driving other lives around terrifies me. Do I volunteer this information freely? No. If really pressed, yes. But it’s something I have to dig deep to surface. Just wondering if maybe there’s something he’s not telling you.

There’s not. In fact, I was the one who was involved in a fatal car accident

So sorry to hear that @TwistedCable

Thanks @FuglySweaty

Maybe I do feel a little bitter that I don’t have the luxury of not driving

How did he cope without a gf? Did he spend a lot on taxis or spend a lot of time getting anywhere?

@TwistedCable - very sorry to hear that.