Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won’t drive

218 replies

TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 10:32

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

OP posts:
MarnieMarnie · 31/01/2024 12:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

SamW98 · 31/01/2024 12:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Yep it’s a non negotiable for me and even though I’m only just outside M25 I avoid dating men living in inner London as I’m not driving into town or getting public transport to a date.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/01/2024 12:23

Does he need a car for work? To go to places he wants to visit? To get his shopping?

Or does he only need one when he’s with you? Is that because of where you live?

Anjea · 31/01/2024 12:28

Are you sure he can drive?

muddyford · 31/01/2024 12:33

DH stopped driving for medical a couple of years ago and I really notice the difference. If I were dating it would be a dealbreaker.

Whitesapphire · 31/01/2024 12:33

Have you actually seen his driving license?

ThisIsOk · 31/01/2024 12:36

I lost my driving licence four years ago for medical reasons and it’s put a huge burden/pressure on the household as my DH is now responsible for so much more as all the driving falls on him. He’s never made me feel guilty for it, but I can see how much more stress it puts on him. It’s really hard.

Do your partner know how you are feeling? And what was his response?

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 31/01/2024 12:44

Your break up because he doesn't drive?

Quirkyme · 31/01/2024 12:45

TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 10:32

When we started seeing each other he told me he could drive, but didn’t own a car as he lives in a city. Since then he has continually promised to get a car and get back to driving (no medical reasons he can’t)

I am getting really fed up of being the only one who can drive, and it’s making him seem a bit like another child! It’s tiring and the responsibility for working out travel/routes/ timing is becoming a pain. He’s lovely, but i am beginning to think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not young, and worried about the future with a non driver, for both emergencies and holidays.

Anyone resolved such an issue?

Time to end this.

HopeFloatsAbove · 31/01/2024 13:08

has he lost his license and not wanting to tell you?

ZenNudist · 31/01/2024 13:52

Is this part of a wider pattern of selfish behavior. So not just that you can't drive, but it's always you. Putting yourself out for him and not the other way round?

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2024 15:03

TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 11:51

I should also add, this is not meant to bash non drivers!!
This is an issue about progressing with my relationship

Can he go on your insurance (he pays) so that when you're together he can drive?

Original poster
TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 15:51

It’s not so much that he doesn’t own a car, it’s that he won’t drive. I’fe offered to out him on the insurance but he says not.
The car club suggestion is a good one but I think again he will say maybe but nothing will happen.

I’ve asked him if he’s banned! But he says no.

I think he just doesn’t want to drive and is happy for me to do it all. (There is a lot! Even in the city) And when his son needs to go places. He is helpless when it comes to planning routes etc.

if I’d known he would never drive, I would have thought carefully. But he did not say that. He also promises that things will change, as he knows how much this bothers me. But they don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 15:53

It makes me feel a bit like his mum tbh.

OP posts:
Quirkyme · 31/01/2024 15:54

TwistedCable · 31/01/2024 15:53

It makes me feel a bit like his mum tbh.

Dump him. Like what else is there really to say. Get rid.

Dunno why women hold on useless men , talk about dealbreakers, but still entertain it. Let him go

shreknjumps · 31/01/2024 16:08

Why are you ferrying his son around?! What did he do before you came along?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/01/2024 16:20

Come on now OP, I'm sure he somehow managed to get his son places before you met, its just easier for him to get you to do it. I can't drive but we have a family car, if I'm going somewhere on my own or with just our son, we use public transport.

Stop being a taxi service for him, if he can't meet you in the middle then time to knock it on the head.

aitchteeaitch · 31/01/2024 16:25

You're obviously finding it tiresome now. Do you have examples of when you are aggravated by all this? Is it because he never even bothers to use public transport to come and see you for you to collect at the station for instance, but you have to drive all the way to his house to pick him up all the time?

He's helpless when it comes to planning routes because he doesn't need to, does he? How did he manage to get anywhere before you came into his life?

How have you got roped in to ferrying his son about as well?

OlderandwiserMaybe · 31/01/2024 16:30

The fact that you have got roped into taking his Son's places changes this quite a bit.
It's totally fine for someone living in a city to not drive - or for anyone actually to decide they dont like driving and not to do it.

It's a totally different ball game if that person then starts taking liberties with someone else who does drive.
His son needs to go back to doing what they did before you were around. Your BF needs to start taking responsibility for his own travel arrangements. can he get to you on public transport? Even if that means you just pick him up form nearby stations? That may make things easier.

Ultimately anything can be a deal breaker - and if his non driving is a deal breaker for you then you need to tell him that an mean it - and you need to be prepared to walk away.

AgentJohnson · 31/01/2024 17:14

Just because you have a car doesn’t mean you are responsible for transporting his arse. Stop waiting for him to stop being entitled and start telling him that he needs to pull his weight.

It is futile expecting the one who benefits from the status quo, to change it.

coxesorangepippin · 31/01/2024 17:15

Ugh totally off putting

Northernsoul72 · 31/01/2024 17:18

Maybe he's nervous like me and embarrassed to say. Sorry if this has been said already, I didn't read every single message. I do feel guilty my husband drives all the time but he says he doesn't mind. I also worry about emergencies to. But he should be able to help plan and help with the cost of it all if needed. If he's a decent guy, to me that would be more important that if wanted to drive or not

Kazzyhoward · 31/01/2024 17:31

I had this with first boyfriend. We don't live in a city, and public transport is crap, to say the least, but he always maintained he didn't need to drive.

That's because he was always cadging lifts from family, friends and then me! I got totally fed up with his entitlement and assuming I'd always drive when we were going out, going to attractions, etc.

I finally wised up to him - on days when he had no-one else to give him lifts (workmates, friends, family etc)., he'd suggest going out together straight after work - of course, expecting me to pick him up from work on the way! I thought it was strange that some days he wanted to go home first and come out later, but some days he wanted me to pick him up - it was all down to what days he could cadge lifts from others.

I binned him. I hate people who leach off others and are incapable of being independent. I know of him now, decades later, through mutual acquaintances, and he's still not got his own car - still leaching off others. Some people are just life's "takers"!

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2024 17:56

@TwistedCable

I think he just doesn’t want to drive and is happy for me to do it all. (There is a lot! Even in the city) And when his son needs to go places. He is helpless when it comes to planning routes etc.

So wait, he expects YOU to drive his son around? Yeah, that's not going to happen. You need to cut that shit right out. And the 'planned helplessness' around planning routes, etc. Bullshit on that. He could do it if he needed to, and you need to make him need to. Actually, forget that. Dump him.

My DS1 really doesn't like driving and for years didn't have a car (also lived in a city with good public transport), but he certainly didn't expect his GFs to drive him around. He'd rent a car to be able to share the driving. It worked out cheaper for him than buying. And when he found 'The One', he got a car.

I would never date someone who didn't do at least their fair share of driving.

SamW98 · 31/01/2024 18:03

He is helpless when it comes to planning routes

Maybe that was an excuse about 30 years ago but in the days of apps and the internet a child can plan routes.

Is he really not capable of typing his starting point and destination into google maps and pressing ‘directions’?