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Original poster

Stag and boundaries

219 replies

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 02:26

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 15/01/2024 02:45

Wow, he definitely is going isn’t he? You need to say actually that comment you made last night, that might be right. Thats how boundaries in a relationship work and you tell me you don’t care about mine. Why don’t you tell me honestly what the stag plan is, it’s obvious it’s strip clubs for a start, and I need to do some thinking.

SickOfSoreFeet · 15/01/2024 02:48

No I wouldn't accept it and I know my DH wouldn't go. He didn't trust his best friend not to do something silly when the friend offered to organise a bachelor party, so told the friend he didn't want one at all and never had one.

Olika · 15/01/2024 07:38

I don't like his behaviour and reaction. He knows what their plans are hence the reaction.

rainydaysandwednesdays · 15/01/2024 07:46

My DH wouldn't associate with the kind of men who go to strip clubs so it wouldn't be an issue for us.

Thinking back to ex partners though, they definitely would. My logic would be that I chose to be with that kind of man so can hardly deny him what he wants to do with his pals. If you're having to tell him that he can't do something as it doesn't align with your views/boundaries then I'd say your relationship is doomed.

Flicking back to my marriage, I'd absolutely hate (and would never) say that he can't do something or go somewhere. Just as I'd hate it if he denied me something I wanted to do.

StragglyTinsel · 15/01/2024 07:50

It is absolutely fine to set your boundaries about this and stick to them.

It sounds like he’s determined to push at those boundaries. He wants to go to this stag do and go to some lap dancing club or something (and probably everything that goes with that). He is trying to frame you as the bad guy preventing him. His arguments are reminiscent of a teenager: everyone’s mum lets them!

I’d tell him that he can decide for himself whether he wants to go and, if he goes, whether to just step out for the sex industry bits. But that your boundary is that you cannot be in a relationship with a man who makes those choices. You’ll get your answer about whether his marriage is more important than ogling some naked women with his friends.

As with most things, it’s not really ‘she divorced me because I went on a stag do’ but ‘she divorced me because I made it clear I don’t give a shit about what’s important to her’.

Deathbyathousandcats · 15/01/2024 07:53

Men who go to strip clubs are wankers.
Men who are too scared to resist peer pressure are also wankers.

Aria2023 · 15/01/2024 07:54

You need to have a proper sit down conversation about this. You are well within your rights to set these boundaries. The problem appears to be that your dh is currently prioritising his friendship and perhaps some FOMO, over your marriage. If the plan from the start is to go to a strip club, he should decline the invite. If that's not a solid plan, he needs to make a plan for how he'll navigate things if he goes and a strip club becomes part of the plan. But what he needs to do more than anything, is to take what you're saying seriously. You also need to make sure you're prepared to stick to any consequences you set down for him breaking that boundary. Don't say you'll do something if you won't.

StragglyTinsel · 15/01/2024 07:54

@rainydaysandwednesdays you don’t have to say ‘I’m not letting you’ or whatever. He’s not your son.

But, setting the boundary ‘I am not willing to be in a relationship with a man who goes to strip clubs’ and letting him decide isn’t telling him what to do. He can decide to go, but it will mean a change in his relationship status.

Frankly, I’d have no respect for him any longer and the relationship would be doomed. Disgust is not conducive to a happy marriage.

There are lots of things people will set a boundary over. Their partners can still do those things - it’s about making choices. If those things are more important to them than their partners… as you say, the relationship was doomed anyway.

QueSyrahSyrah · 15/01/2024 07:57

I'd be ok with going to a strip club, but not a dance or private dance. I've been to strip clubs myself in my wilder past.

That said, DH (genuinely) is not interested and the last stag he went on he was among a few who opted out of that part of the night.

But, your boundary is your boundary and in your position I'd be sitting him down and telling him very seriously that if he goes to a strip club on this night out he'd best not come back.

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 07:58

Well, he's got his options laid out clearly.

What's in question is whether you will follow through.

He's made it clear to you that your marriage isn't as important to him as going to a strip club at his mate's stag do. He's made it clear that your boundaries are something he feels ok to jostle for position. He's made it clear that he is not capable of making his own boundaries (he doesn't 'have to go' at all, but he hasn't the decency to say 'no')

I know what I'd be doing, and I'd be setting about it before he even decided to go to a strip club. The damage, in my eyes, would already be done.

Missingmybabysomuch · 15/01/2024 07:59

It sounds like he is operating on the old "it's easier to apologise than ask permission". He assumes he will keep quiet, go to the strip club, you'll get mad, he will apologise and "make it up to you" then it will all be OK.
He has already stated his stance that if it is that, he will be going, so it's up to you to decide how much of a deal breaker that is for you.

AyeRightYeAre · 15/01/2024 07:59

My DH wouldn't want to go and wouldn't have friends like this in the first place

bobomomo · 15/01/2024 08:00

@Deathbyathousandcats

Unfortunately in the past they didn't always get a choice, dp's had to go to business meetings in strip clubs , this is over 20 years old mostly in Germany, but he would get to the address given by the client and that was where they chose to meet, broad daylight. Thankfully things have changed and that's totally unacceptable now. He's in a very male dominated industry

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 08:02

AyeRightYeAre · 15/01/2024 07:59

My DH wouldn't want to go and wouldn't have friends like this in the first place

Yay for you. Got any advice for OP?

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 15/01/2024 08:02

StragglyTinsel · 15/01/2024 07:54

@rainydaysandwednesdays you don’t have to say ‘I’m not letting you’ or whatever. He’s not your son.

But, setting the boundary ‘I am not willing to be in a relationship with a man who goes to strip clubs’ and letting him decide isn’t telling him what to do. He can decide to go, but it will mean a change in his relationship status.

Frankly, I’d have no respect for him any longer and the relationship would be doomed. Disgust is not conducive to a happy marriage.

There are lots of things people will set a boundary over. Their partners can still do those things - it’s about making choices. If those things are more important to them than their partners… as you say, the relationship was doomed anyway.

This. No adult should be banning or giving permission to another. You are not his parent, he can choose what he wants to do.

But you equally can set your own boundaries and there is nothing wrong with that.

rainydaysandwednesdays · 15/01/2024 08:04

StragglyTinsel · 15/01/2024 07:54

@rainydaysandwednesdays you don’t have to say ‘I’m not letting you’ or whatever. He’s not your son.

But, setting the boundary ‘I am not willing to be in a relationship with a man who goes to strip clubs’ and letting him decide isn’t telling him what to do. He can decide to go, but it will mean a change in his relationship status.

Frankly, I’d have no respect for him any longer and the relationship would be doomed. Disgust is not conducive to a happy marriage.

There are lots of things people will set a boundary over. Their partners can still do those things - it’s about making choices. If those things are more important to them than their partners… as you say, the relationship was doomed anyway.

You can't marry this type of man and then expect him to have a personality transplant.

Surely this is the groundwork you do when dating? Making sure you pick someone whose views and personality align with your own.

You can't take a caveman and expect him to stay in knitting every week.

StragglyTinsel · 15/01/2024 08:07

rainydaysandwednesdays · 15/01/2024 08:04

You can't marry this type of man and then expect him to have a personality transplant.

Surely this is the groundwork you do when dating? Making sure you pick someone whose views and personality align with your own.

You can't take a caveman and expect him to stay in knitting every week.

Show quote history

He can’t marry this type of woman and expect to go to strip clubs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I bet he was well aware of her boundaries and assured her he felt the same etc. He signed up to marrying a woman who set a no strip clubs boundary.

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 08:10

@StragglyTinsel

He can’t marry this type of woman and expect to go to strip clubs

Yes, you can. Clearly. Because he's living proof. He gets to do whatever he wants, and so does OP. Neither gets to tell the other what to do.

OneFrenchEgg · 15/01/2024 08:15

Sometimes I think men don't think beyond superficial level about stuff that doesn't impact them / men directly.
So it would be important to me to be very clear not just on what but also why.
With strip clubs- does he think you are jealous whereas you have a take relating to exploitation of sex workers, possibility of trafficking, and wider socialisation of the idea that all women are objectified by strip/glamour etc?

StragglyTinsel · 15/01/2024 08:16

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 08:10

@StragglyTinsel

He can’t marry this type of woman and expect to go to strip clubs

Yes, you can. Clearly. Because he's living proof. He gets to do whatever he wants, and so does OP. Neither gets to tell the other what to do.

Well he can’t go to the strip club and expect to stay married to her.

It’s not ‘telling each other what to do’.

It’s saying ‘fine. You do that. I’ll be seeing a divorce solicitor because I’m not willing to be married to you’.

He will absolutely have known the OP’s feelings about this stuff when he married her. If paying to see naked women is more important to him than her respect, then it’s a bad sign.

I hate this narrative that women setting boundaries about what behaviour they’re willing to accept is ‘controlling’. It’s not. The argument is patriarchal bullshit to enable men to do whatever they like and blame women for objecting’.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 15/01/2024 08:18

My husband is going on a stag in the spring. He's dreading it but it's his best friend and he is the best man. I don't mind him going or worry about what he will do because I trust him. The fact that you're worried suggests you don't trust your partner.

sockarefootwear · 15/01/2024 08:20

I think the most worrying thing here is the DH saying 'great, X will be getting married and I'll be getting divorced'. It sounds like a passive aggressive threat- he will be going anyway and wants OP to think that it's her boundaries rather than his disrespect for them that cause them to split up. Like a sort of pre-emptive 'look what you made me do'.

bluechicky · 15/01/2024 08:21

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

I mean you'd have to accept it, you can't stop him. He'd have to accept he's crossed the line and the relationship is over.

He's assuming you won't divorce him. Call his bluff and do it.

bluechicky · 15/01/2024 08:21

sockarefootwear · 15/01/2024 08:20

I think the most worrying thing here is the DH saying 'great, X will be getting married and I'll be getting divorced'. It sounds like a passive aggressive threat- he will be going anyway and wants OP to think that it's her boundaries rather than his disrespect for them that cause them to split up. Like a sort of pre-emptive 'look what you made me do'.

Exactly. He's also assuming OP won't leave him.

Will you OP?

UtterlyButterly2048 · 15/01/2024 08:23

I wouldn’t care if my DH went to a strip club, I find it sad, pathetic and honestly a bit….desperate, but it’s not a deal breaker for me. But that’s me and not you. If this is really a deal breaker for you, tell him and then stick to it. Could it be seen as rigid and controlling? Maybe. I’ve been on hen dos with male strippers and if my DH said I couldn’t go, I wouldn’t like it because I expect him to trust me and understand that I would never do anything remotely inappropriate (I’ve never engaged with these strippers, I’ve always just watched whilst finding it all toe curlingly embarrassing)
Do you think he would do more than watch?

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