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Original poster

Stag and boundaries

219 replies

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 02:26

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 15/01/2024 11:15

From his response, then yes it is definitely a strip club or similar. which he apparantly 'has' to go to.
He does not.
My boundary is the same OP. Strip clubs are a firm no from me. If my DP wants to go in strip clubs then he is free to do so, but he would not be the sort of person I would want to be in a relationship with.
That is not controlling and telling him what he can and can't do. Its saying, this particular thing is a big deal to me and if its important for you to do that then we simply are not compatible for a relationship.

If a stag do, and/or not being ridiculed by his so called mates for stepping away from the sex industry part is more important to him than your feelings, then its pretty much already over. I mean he is telling you that he would rather hurt you and let you down than his mate. he is under no illusion how you feel about it and by being with you he has agreed to respect that view. Shitting all over it to save face with his mates is pathetic, disrespectful and basically makes him an arsehole.

And I never get the whole stag / strip /lap dance thing. I mean what a way to start a marriage. I love you so much, lets get married. Nothing says love and respect more than having another woman rub their bits all over you, does it?
I wonder if the bride to be knows.

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 11:17

@Natbro

Youre over reacting

According to what? The 'correct reaction' rules? Or your opinion?

Original poster
Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 11:48

Thanks all. These responses have been really helpful.

These are my values and always have been. I will not be/stay with a man who enters the sex industry and would absolutely seek devorce. He is in his 50s and we have a teenage daughter, so the thought of him ogling over naked women just little older than our daughter is disgusting.

I also don't get why men who are supposedly madly in love and about to get married would want another women's bits in his face and rubbed over him.

And I am also finding it so pathetic, that to save face he won't say no. I feel hurt that his response is so disrespectful. Clearly his mates mean more to him that I do.

I won't be lowering my standards. I may be totally wrong, but if I'm not, then I know I would look at him differently and couldn't move past it. After his responses, I slept on the Sofa last night, kinda grossed out...

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 15/01/2024 12:01

His response is so weird. Why do men care if their friends go with them or not that’s the bit I don’t understand. Peer pressure on grown adults is deeply pathetic. If my friends do something I don’t want to (eg join an allotment) I just don’t get involved.

I put pressure on Dh to go to my friends Dh stag years ago he didn’t really want to. Some of the group went to a strip club Dh and a few others didn’t. Not a big drama. It was a rough town and locals threw bottles at them. Not sure Dh quite forgiven me!

BlueHops · 15/01/2024 12:05

boundaries are boundaries. Youve stated your position, if he makes a decision against it (its his right), then you should exercise your rights too on how you see the relationship going moving forward. we all make decisions and live with the consequences.

Frasers · 15/01/2024 12:12

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 11:48

Thanks all. These responses have been really helpful.

These are my values and always have been. I will not be/stay with a man who enters the sex industry and would absolutely seek devorce. He is in his 50s and we have a teenage daughter, so the thought of him ogling over naked women just little older than our daughter is disgusting.

I also don't get why men who are supposedly madly in love and about to get married would want another women's bits in his face and rubbed over him.

And I am also finding it so pathetic, that to save face he won't say no. I feel hurt that his response is so disrespectful. Clearly his mates mean more to him that I do.

I won't be lowering my standards. I may be totally wrong, but if I'm not, then I know I would look at him differently and couldn't move past it. After his responses, I slept on the Sofa last night, kinda grossed out...

Ok you clearly have very strong views on this, and it’s more important to you than your marriage, to be honest with you if call your bluff and go, but I do not allow myself to be controlled.

so just leave. You’ve made your position clear, he’s made his clear, if now makes no difference if he goes or not, as you’re not trying to bully and manipulate him, you are divorcing. So just do it.

whatsitcalledwhen · 15/01/2024 12:37

TheaBrandt · 15/01/2024 12:01

His response is so weird. Why do men care if their friends go with them or not that’s the bit I don’t understand. Peer pressure on grown adults is deeply pathetic. If my friends do something I don’t want to (eg join an allotment) I just don’t get involved.

I put pressure on Dh to go to my friends Dh stag years ago he didn’t really want to. Some of the group went to a strip club Dh and a few others didn’t. Not a big drama. It was a rough town and locals threw bottles at them. Not sure Dh quite forgiven me!

You say peer pressure is weird but also that you pressured your DH to go to something he really didn't want to?

Zanatdy · 15/01/2024 12:42

Well you’ve made it clear, if he goes then I guess you follow through and ask him to leave and make plans to split the finances etc

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 13:17

TheaBrandt · 15/01/2024 12:01

His response is so weird. Why do men care if their friends go with them or not that’s the bit I don’t understand. Peer pressure on grown adults is deeply pathetic. If my friends do something I don’t want to (eg join an allotment) I just don’t get involved.

I put pressure on Dh to go to my friends Dh stag years ago he didn’t really want to. Some of the group went to a strip club Dh and a few others didn’t. Not a big drama. It was a rough town and locals threw bottles at them. Not sure Dh quite forgiven me!

So you're saying that peer pressure amongst adults is pathetic, but that you pressured your partner, who is your peer? Or is it that you have more authority over him than a friend, being his spouse?

Bookworm20 · 15/01/2024 13:18

Frasers · 15/01/2024 12:12

Ok you clearly have very strong views on this, and it’s more important to you than your marriage, to be honest with you if call your bluff and go, but I do not allow myself to be controlled.

so just leave. You’ve made your position clear, he’s made his clear, if now makes no difference if he goes or not, as you’re not trying to bully and manipulate him, you are divorcing. So just do it.

Show quote history

No, It's more important to HIM than his marriage.
He knows OP's view on this and decided to marry her, thus accepting and respecting her view.
He can't now say her views don't count. Just because his mates might take the piss.
And OPs views and boundary are perfectly valid. Its not like she is thinking of ending the relationship because of some insignificant annoyance, like he is insisting on wearing a yellow jumper she doesn't quite like. He is insisting on participating in the sex industry! Its hardly an minor thing.
If you see being controlled as your partner having values and morals and not wanting their significant other to participate in the sex industry - which is misogynist, objectifying women, not to even get into the sex trafficking part then you are not quite understanding what 'controlling' is.
She isn't telling him he can't go. But she is telling him if he goes her view of him will change and she won't be able to look at him, let alone likely be intimate with him because of that choice. So its on him to make that decision. What is most important to him? Seeing a few (possibly trafficked) naked women or........ his wifes respect and ultimately his marriage.

I have the same boundaries. if you think that is controlling I don't give a shit. My Dp does not. He respects my views and I his, thats what makes us compatible.

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 13:23

@Bookworm20

No, It's more important to HIM than his marriage

So, if OP decides to end her marriage over this, that's due to his feelings, not hers?

They are both prioritising, here. If she ends the marriage over a strip club decision, then the strip club decision is more important to her than her marriage, regardless of when she formed her view.

Hiddenvoice · 15/01/2024 13:33

crumblingschools · 15/01/2024 08:44

@Hiddenvoice I wonder if we will ever get to the stage where going to a strip club becomes the exception rather than the norm on a stag do. Seems such a shame that when a number of the stag party said they wouldn’t go to a strip club the best man still organised a trip to one.

I know, exactly what I said to my dh. Apparently the groom and his brothers were all keen to go so the best man arranged it. I also believe the best man booked it and didn’t actually attend himself!

Kewchoc · 15/01/2024 13:34

I really think it boils down to the type of relationship you have and the trust within. I also think that going to a strip club on a stag do is very different to going to one every week or so! My husband has only been to a strip club a couple of times in his life, one of which was his own stag do and he went as it's what his friends had planned but didn't get a private dance and he told me about it afterwards, though that sort of thing really doesn't bother me. If your husband knows you're uncomfortable with it and still goes, or he keeps it from you, then that's really unfair and I think you need to have a very direct conversation with him as it does sound like he could be keeping things from you regarding plans for the stag do

Frasers · 15/01/2024 13:40

No, It's more important to HIM than his marriage

that’s not logical. They are both drawing a line in the sand, he’s saying he will go, with his friends, on a stag night as he wishes to be at his mates stag. She’s saying due to this she will divorce him. That’s both of them, he’s refusing to be controlled and to not go to his friends stag due to her views, and she’s ending her marriage.

as such, absolutely this line, he can never ever attend see a stripper is more important to her than her marriage, he is saying being told he can’t go, that he must miss his friends stag, due to her extreme views, is unacceptable to him , he will go, it’s then up to her, to end the marriage or not. Not him, he’s not saying I will divorce you if you don’t let me go.

Bookworm20 · 15/01/2024 13:42

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 13:23

@Bookworm20

No, It's more important to HIM than his marriage

So, if OP decides to end her marriage over this, that's due to his feelings, not hers?

They are both prioritising, here. If she ends the marriage over a strip club decision, then the strip club decision is more important to her than her marriage, regardless of when she formed her view.

I disagree.
Op is not doing anything except sticking to her boundary, which her Dh was and is well informed of and choose to be with her, knowing this.

OP's DH is the one physically doing something which steps over that boundary he was well aware of. For no other reason reason than because he wants to. He knows would hurt her.

So she isn't ending her marriage based on him going to strip club. She is ending the marriage based on her DH doing something he absolutely knows is a dealbreaker to her, yet doing it anyway and basically doesn't care.
She is faced with a partner who she would be unable to view in the same light, because of actions HE choose to take.
I'd say if anyone was saying fuck you in that situation its her DH. He has changed the goalposts. OP hasn't changed or done anything different.

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 13:48

So she isn't ending her marriage based on him going to strip club

That is precisely what's being considered.

Disagree all you like, @Bookworm20 , but OP and her husband are both choosing how to prioritise strip club and marriage, here.

MMmomDD · 15/01/2024 14:01

OP - i think there is clearly something wrong in your relationship. And you should just bite the bullet and divorce now before things get worse and resentment sets in.
If you can’t trust your 50+ yo husband to behave at a stag - then it’s all over.

It’s not the same if he knowingly frequented sex industry. He doesn’t. But you are demanding he choses your preferences (fears, irrationality, etc) over his relationship with his friends. It’s certainly controlling.
And - in the same way you say - how can he chose not to respect my desires. He will think - how can she think that it’s ok to be controlling and that it won’t change our marriage after that.

I am not sure what you think happens in the strip clubs. He can see a lot more of flesh on the streets in the summer or at the beach.

If you think he ogles young women - there are plenty of opportunities to do it.

crumblingschools · 15/01/2024 14:03

And which one do you think is the correct one to prioritise @Watchkeys? Can't believe a bloke would think ogling (and possibly touching) a naked woman and spending a fortune to do so is worth risking his marriage for

wheo · 15/01/2024 14:04

I can't stand this bullshit that it's expected men go to strip clubs on their stag do... why is it still the done thing. Why in the 21st century would a man want to celebrate devoting his life to someone by contributing to an industry which is inherently damaging to women.

Haven't we moved forward of a society now? Why is it still acceptable.

Bless you op. As others have said you are totally within your rights to not be ok with this. Stand firm x

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 14:08

crumblingschools · 15/01/2024 14:03

And which one do you think is the correct one to prioritise @Watchkeys? Can't believe a bloke would think ogling (and possibly touching) a naked woman and spending a fortune to do so is worth risking his marriage for

There is no 'correct'. Both are legal, and I don't make the rules. Do you?

If not, it's down to OP's opinion and her husband's.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/01/2024 14:09

I wouldn’t care really. It’s a bit pervy, I don’t think my DH would enjoy it but I couldn’t be that wife that doesn’t allow him to do something. It’s a stag do, a one off.

If my husband said to me ‘I’m forbidding you from going on that hen do because there is a butler in the buff!’ I would laugh and tell him to fuck off, I’m going. No because I’m gagging to see a semi-naked man, but I won’t be dictated to.

Original poster
Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 14:23

I've reversed the role, and asked would he be happy and willing for me to go and see male strippers (not that I would), and he has said absolutely no way, not at all and that it's different for men to go and see women strip etc. Because it's what men do. To me that's double standards.

OP posts:
whatsitcalledwhen · 15/01/2024 14:25

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 14:23

I've reversed the role, and asked would he be happy and willing for me to go and see male strippers (not that I would), and he has said absolutely no way, not at all and that it's different for men to go and see women strip etc. Because it's what men do. To me that's double standards.

Well I wouldn't want to be with someone so openly sexist OP, he doesn't sound like he has a healthy or respectful opinion of women.

He sounds like a hypocrite who wants to have his cake, eat it too and preferably have a woman wash the dish up afterwards.

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 14:27

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 14:23

I've reversed the role, and asked would he be happy and willing for me to go and see male strippers (not that I would), and he has said absolutely no way, not at all and that it's different for men to go and see women strip etc. Because it's what men do. To me that's double standards.

'No way' is up to him. Have you asked him what he'd actually do about it, if you told him you were going to do it?

GrumpyPanda · 15/01/2024 14:35

Charlie2121 · 15/01/2024 08:47

Are women who go and watch male strippers also wankers?

Show quote history

Male strippers don't tend to be trafficked. HTH.