Stag and boundaries

[Blueberrysky1]

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

OP - not sure what your H is on.
Respecting a spouse by not being controlling goes both ways.
He should be able to not need a permission to go on friend’s stag.

You can go and see Magic Mike if that is what you want.

It seems this is brining up something in your relationship - where both of you are taking is as a battleground for something unresolved.
Maybe not a bad thing to fight it out.

If you feel comfortable having double standards that’s great. Not for me though.

He should be able to not need a permission to go on friend’s stag

Has he always known that you wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who went to a strip club, @Blueberrysky1 ?

I haven't been to one personally and wouldn't particularly care to. But it sounds to me like OP's problem is with the sex industry, and the simple fact is the two phenomena aren't comparable because the power differentials involved aren't comparable. Your point about "double standards" only makes sense if the only standard you care about is a bit of skin, rather than an entire economy built on exploitation. Which makes foe a funny mixture of prudishness and minimizing social problems.

@GrumpyPanda

But it sounds to me like OP's problem is with the sex industry

Why? OP hasn't mentioned this, and has even presented the situation with the roles reversed to her partner, which suggests that, contrary to your opinion, she does see the situations as comparable.

How can you go and not take part in the activities?

You either go or you don't. You don't accept to go and then spend half the time on your own.

That would be weird.

it's what men do

I would end a relationship over strip clubs without question. But this comment just shows what his attitude to women is. Presumably he thinks your daughter being seen by other men as a sex object is just the natural order of things too?

It's really not that difficult, surely?

Enjoy the whole night other than the last bit when your mates go into a strip club, likely very very late in the night. Back to the hotel, see them in the morning.

It doesn't need to be a big deal if your mates aren't arseholes 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I would what he would think of a group of 40/50 somethings watching his teenage daughter strip when she's 18. He'd think they were just decent family men on a stag so completely fine? Or he'd think they were gross and a bit pathetic? The latter, if it was his daughter I reckon.

If that's the plan and we don't know that.

Even if it is the plan, at 1am after a few drinks, judgement often goes out the window.

Let the guy go and do what the others do (assuming nothing more than a visit of course). Or say he can't go.

This half way house won't work. If nothing else, the OP will be at home wondering what the guy is doing. Even if it is watching the news on his own in the hotel.

@MaxTalk

You asked how someone could go and not take part in all the activities. I said I really don't think it needs to be that big a deal not to. If all the blokes involved are adults.

I don't know if you're a bloke or not but if you are, would you really be that bothered if one bloke in the group headed back to the hotel a few hours early rather than go into the strip club with you and the others?

I think that's really weird, sorry

This is gaslighting, OP. He knows exactly what he’s doing and how it is making you feel.

He doesn’t have to be involved in the gross bits of the day, he wants to or not s scared of having the piss taken out of him, which is pathetic for a man in his 50s. When the same thing happened a while ago my DH just said strip clubs weren’t his cup of tea and he would give that bit a miss, there was no drama and 3 or 4 other blokes said they would rather go for a beer and meet the rest later too

If he isn't close friends with anyone then no-one will likely care.

But if he is good friends and has been active/fun/loud through the evening then yes, him going home because his wife doesn't want him out maybe weird.

Such situations are rarely black and white.

Hence you either go or you don't.

The posters talking about the OP being 'controlling' are really missing the point here. We enter marriages / long term relationships with all kinds of agreements - our boundaries - which will be different for everyone. The most common must surely be the boundary of monogamy. If you enter the relationship agreeing on monogamy, and one of the partners changes their boundary unilaterally by deciding to be polyamorous, no-one is likely to object to the other partner saying that has breached a boundary, and so they will end the relationship. No-one says (hardly anyone?) you are 'controlling' for holding to that boundary. Or what about a less obvious boundary - say someone is a passionate animal rights advocate and marries a fellow vegan, and it is deeply important to both that no-one eats meat or uses animal products. And then one partner changes their mind and becomes a carnivore. It would be perfectly understandable for the vegan partner to say, 'You have broken the agreement. It's not that I want to control what you eat / use, it is just that I don't want to share my life and home with someone who has such different values to me.' Same with OP. OP isn't (indeed couldn't) control what her DH does. But she doesn't want to share her life and love with someone who has such different values to her regarding the sex industry. The boundary could be about politics, money, or religion, or anything. Agree or disagree with her views about the sex industry, sure, but that is her boundary and her choice.

@MaxTalk

Hence you either go or you don't.

This sounds like something a teenager would say about a night out.

Each to their own I guess.

I'd be telling him that if he goes (which be clearly is), he needn't bother coming back after.

What makes you the authority on what's 'a big deal' to OP? If it means something to her, should that not be respected? Why do you think it's helpful to say that her feelings equate to 'nothing'?

Perfectly explained

Are your standards so low that you'd enjoy being intimate with someone under those circumstances? Being used for sex by someone aroused by another woman and fantasising that it's her he's with? Grim.

I'm a man (just for context); I went on a stag day/night which was ending at a strip club, and I chose to opt out of the strip club part. It did make the rest of the group think "oh, he's not quite like the rest of us, he's not fully one of the guys". I can cope with that, although I can understand why some men would be reluctant to go against the group like that. I actually liked feeling like I had the confidence not to follow the others like a sheep.

I think it's sad that the pressure exists, but I would have hoped that a guy in his 50s would be able to handle a bit of pressure from his friends by now. Doubly weird that he would hate for OP to go and watch male strippers, but he thinks it's fine to watch women. That's ridiculous.

My exH went to loads in the 90s in Amsterdam mostly on stag weekends.I didn't care, I knew he wouldn't have a private dance. But that was before he had a daughter. He probably wouldn't do so now.
I grew up working in the city - having to complete my bosses' ££££ expenses for Spearmint Rhino etc, entertaining clients as was the norm in the 90s.I just thought they were stupid and had more money than sense. My friend became a dancer at spearmint rhino as it paid so much more than her job in banking did. Graduate. Single mum. Was able to afford to hire an au pair and buy a house for her and her son. The club was very regulated and she never felt unsafe. Now she's married with 2 more DC. I don't judge and supported her in her choice. Of course I hate the human trafficking side of it, but, my experience shows that a lot of those young women make a lot more money, dancing than they do in professional jobs. That's sad. My friend said they laughed at the stupid, rich, drunk blokes as they took their money. Men's' weakness worked to their advantage. This was 15+ yrs ago.
I campaigned against page 3 when my daughter was at secondary school (but I was friends with two).
My current DP wouldn't. He has 3 young adult daughters and feels it would be wrong. He didn't when he was younger either. My 18yr old son wouldn't - he's had respect for women drummed into him always.

@Gulten That's like saying that not letting someone have an affair is controlling behaviour. People are allowed to have boundaries in relationships and she had already made this boundary clear.