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Original poster

Stag and boundaries

219 replies

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 02:26

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

OP posts:
wateringcanface · 15/01/2024 21:21

All the women that are fine with their husband going. Consider this.

Would your husband be ok with you giving another man a lap dance?

There isn't an exact equivalency, as women getting a lap dance from a male stripper tend to be more amused than turned on. (Not that I think that makes it ok)

So, would your husband be ok with another man enjoying your body, getting hot and bothered by you, getting an erection while you grind against him and he's got an eyeful of your tits? 100% no, so why should any woman be ok with their husband feeling that way about another woman ?

My husband wouldn't dare go to a strip club, but if he suggested it, I'd say picture how sick you'd feel at the thought of men lusting after me in that way, so why shouldn't i feel sick at the thought of you being one of those men?

SickOfSoreFeet · 15/01/2024 21:23

Frasers · 15/01/2024 13:40

No, It's more important to HIM than his marriage

that’s not logical. They are both drawing a line in the sand, he’s saying he will go, with his friends, on a stag night as he wishes to be at his mates stag. She’s saying due to this she will divorce him. That’s both of them, he’s refusing to be controlled and to not go to his friends stag due to her views, and she’s ending her marriage.

as such, absolutely this line, he can never ever attend see a stripper is more important to her than her marriage, he is saying being told he can’t go, that he must miss his friends stag, due to her extreme views, is unacceptable to him , he will go, it’s then up to her, to end the marriage or not. Not him, he’s not saying I will divorce you if you don’t let me go.

I suspect it's not directly about the strip club. It's about being shown respect as a person, woman and wife. I would feel the same way as OP. If my DH wanted to go, I'm not going to control him and stop him, but I'm not going to allow myself to be disrespected that way either. Not to mention I'd lose all respect for him and what kind of marriage is it if you can't respect your partner?

loopyloolou · 15/01/2024 21:33

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 20:50

@loopyloolou

Why is any of that relevant? OP has a problem with it. You don't. It's not about you and your preferences, is it?

I'm not sure why you have picked on my comment, when there are numerous other posters giving personal opinions about this subject and there own relationships?

loopyloolou · 15/01/2024 21:40

Watchkeys · 15/01/2024 20:50

@loopyloolou

Why is any of that relevant? OP has a problem with it. You don't. It's not about you and your preferences, is it?

Apologies, you have commented on numerous posts, I feel this subject may have touched a nerve with you! As I said myself and my do trust each other and no what the boundaries are in our relationship. So ideally the op's partner would respect her wishes. I still have no issues with naked bodies , but I understand not everyone feels the same

Opentooffers · 15/01/2024 21:53

Is he actually going to be going to a strip club though? At the moment you seem to be having a hypothetical argument about something that may not be happening - in their 50's is it more your worries than what they want.
I don't love that the whole thing exists, but I have seen male and female strppers in my life - for free, just come across them in life. Tbf, watching while there with others rather than seeking it out yourself regularly is pretty harmless.
I think the issue I'd take with your DH is him not being OK if happend to you. Now I say happened, as you don't strike me as someone who'd book a night with the girls to see the dream boys, and neither would I. But, I've been out in bars where a hen has had her mates order a stripper, and spent Sunday afternoon in a working man's club with bingo, singing, then a stripper act - surreal really. Anyway, the thing is, sometimes you come across this stuff and for some reason it's a thing for both hen add stag do's. Is it really worth ending a relationship over a person being with a group out? If they paid for a private thing then sure, be mad, end things too, fine, but a bystander in a group, I think you are being extreme and unrealistic and maybe a tad paranoid that it would lead to more than watching - which I doubt it does mostly.

Burntouted · 15/01/2024 22:17

I think you two are incompatible. Respect your own boundaries and expectations of relationships. You don't want a man going to adult clubs, then end things and find one who will respect that.

He needs to be single or find a partner that will be okay with the boundaries and expectations that he wants in a relationship.

He's letting you know that there will be issues and a potential divorce if you try to stop him from doing something he enjoys. He doesn't want another mother, he wants a partner who trusts him, and has faith in the relationship.

If you're hoping that he'd change into your ideal partner..he's not.

I'd be okay with him hanging out, enjoying strip clubs..especially if we could afford it financially, and if we had a healthy relationship. I would want him to act accordingly, if I found out he didn't, I'd leave.

That's me though. There are men and women everywhere, if someone wants to cheat they will. You will not be the only female that he finds attractive, and that he will interact with.. and vice versa.. You cannot control anyone's actions and behaviors but your own.

If you don't find that you can trust him, or you are fully aware that you can't, it's time to leave the relationship. Trying to be controlling and not trusting your partner, won't make for a healthy relationship.

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:10

loopyloolou · 15/01/2024 20:07

I personally have no problem if my do went to a strip club as part of a stag do that he didn't organise, so long as no touching lap dances etc, which he is well aware of. I have seen male strippers at hen dos that I didn't organise and I found them very funny! I trust my do , and think he would feel the same. But I also have to mention he hasn't been to a strip club before

Yes I agree, don't assume he'll be paying for dances etc.
If my DP wants to go on a stag do I wouldn't mind, the thought of a man sitting outside on a bench because his wife wouldn't let him go in is a funny thought. My DP says the beer is too pricey and you can't have a prepped chat with your mates...a lot of men will think the same.
Would you go see the Full Monty? Topless waiter at hen dos?
The chances are you'll not know what they do anyway.

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:12

AllAroundMyCat · 15/01/2024 17:44

My husband refused to attend such parties and I love him for his stance. He never attended one in the 30+ years we've been together. He finds them revolting.

About fifteen or so years ago I was invited to a hen do.
Oh the embarrassment.
The bridesmaids had created sashes saying 'available for one night only' for the bride, who was mortified and the arranged for a male stripper which the bride was visibly disturbed by.

I left early making some bland excuse but the poor bride had to endure this shite. Various bar regulars were trying it on with her.

I felt so sorry for her.

Revolting is very dramatic, it's just people having a laugh on stag and hen dos.
We were all young and non prudish once

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:14

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 14:23

I've reversed the role, and asked would he be happy and willing for me to go and see male strippers (not that I would), and he has said absolutely no way, not at all and that it's different for men to go and see women strip etc. Because it's what men do. To me that's double standards.

Well you've got your answer OP. He doesn't value you or your relationship. I'd be starting divorce proceedings and asking him to move out.

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:19

Trying to be controlling and not trusting your partner, won't make for a healthy relationship.

@Burntouted she's not be controlling. She's already told him this is a dealbreaker for her (a very reasonable one, that many other women have too). If he decides to proceed anyway, it's him that is ending the relationship! Just because you're fine with your DH cheating doesn't mean other women are, it doesn't make us controlling or mean we don't trust them. We just have higher standards than you.

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:24

Plantsarebeautiful · 15/01/2024 16:24

Does it really matter if they go to a strip club or similar? It doesn’t mean anything. He wants to go and why shouldn’t he, fun with his mates etc. Obv they will be drunk, shouting and grim. But that’s what lots of (not all) men do on their own on nights out, whatever they say to their partners. If they say they don’t, I’d be suspicious.

Well clearly it does to the OP, hence the thread.

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:24

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:19

Trying to be controlling and not trusting your partner, won't make for a healthy relationship.

@Burntouted she's not be controlling. She's already told him this is a dealbreaker for her (a very reasonable one, that many other women have too). If he decides to proceed anyway, it's him that is ending the relationship! Just because you're fine with your DH cheating doesn't mean other women are, it doesn't make us controlling or mean we don't trust them. We just have higher standards than you.

Who said he was would cheat?
Yes of course that would more than cross the boundary but watching a semi naked women gyrate on a podium really isn't a big deal. He'd see worse on the internet.

Maybe give him your own 'show' before he goes

AelinAshriver · 15/01/2024 23:29

Has he actually shared the stag do plans with you yet?

Am I the only one who thinks it's odd that a DH hasn't shared the plans with his DW?

LifeExperience · 15/01/2024 23:30

I would not be with a man who went to strip clubs. They are misogynistic and exploitative.The women are often trafficked, addicted, etc. and that is against my values. To be honest, I'm shocked at some of the responses which are defending it. It is not controlling to not want your husband to look at another woman's naked body for sexual gratification. Being sexually exclusive is supposed to be the point of marriage in the first place.

viixta · 15/01/2024 23:32

Ok, so this is about YOU and YOUR boundaries. NOT any other opinions on here whether they would accept their partner going to a strip joint or hiring a stripper. You have set boundaries and communicated them. If he is not willing to accept those boundaries and is determined to go - then the ball is in your court. It sounds like he is going regardless of your communicated boundaries. He HAS heard you. So what are you going to do?

As a side note (and I hope this helps your mindset) I used to work as a receptionist at a strip club in Sydney back in my youth. Back then, I had the body, but not the inclination or confidence. Anyway, I digress, There is a strict NO TOUCHING policy in the public areas and breaking that rule will lead to ejection from the club. Remember that the ladies who perform have complete control in these places and could literally shag any customer (should they choose to). This is their job. It is WORK. Mostly they laugh in the changing rooms between their dances about the sorry state of men. Their only goal is to to exploit a man's weakness in turn for money. And yes, they use their bodies, but They are not prostitutes. Unless your husband looks like Jason Momoa or has a wallet of a millionaire - you are pretty safe that he will come away untouched, I guarantee you. x

sprigatito · 15/01/2024 23:33

It would be a dealbreaker for me - but then I don't think I could stay married to someone who was too gutless to say no to his friends, who tried to cover up the bleeding obvious, who cared little enough for women that it was even a question in the first place...he sounds foul OP, why are you with him?

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:37

MMmomDD · 15/01/2024 14:01

OP - i think there is clearly something wrong in your relationship. And you should just bite the bullet and divorce now before things get worse and resentment sets in.
If you can’t trust your 50+ yo husband to behave at a stag - then it’s all over.

It’s not the same if he knowingly frequented sex industry. He doesn’t. But you are demanding he choses your preferences (fears, irrationality, etc) over his relationship with his friends. It’s certainly controlling.
And - in the same way you say - how can he chose not to respect my desires. He will think - how can she think that it’s ok to be controlling and that it won’t change our marriage after that.

I am not sure what you think happens in the strip clubs. He can see a lot more of flesh on the streets in the summer or at the beach.

If you think he ogles young women - there are plenty of opportunities to do it.

"Fears, irrationality"? WTF? Listen luv, just because you've got no self respect doesn't mean women who do are irrational!

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:40

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:24

Who said he was would cheat?
Yes of course that would more than cross the boundary but watching a semi naked women gyrate on a podium really isn't a big deal. He'd see worse on the internet.

Maybe give him your own 'show' before he goes

Show quote history

Going to a strip club IS cheating! What's the difference between a man getting a lapdance he's paid for and a lapdance off a girl in a club? None, whatsoever! Just because you don't have a problem with your fella cheating on you doesn't mean other women should be the same. It IS a big deal! And as for "give him his own show before he goes". JFC!

barkymcbark · 15/01/2024 23:42

Wow his double standards are quite breathtaking! He wouldn't be happy for you to see a male stripper, but men seeing a female stripper is 'just what blokes do'. What a sexist, misogynistic view.

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:43

Moveoverdarlin · 15/01/2024 14:09

I wouldn’t care really. It’s a bit pervy, I don’t think my DH would enjoy it but I couldn’t be that wife that doesn’t allow him to do something. It’s a stag do, a one off.

If my husband said to me ‘I’m forbidding you from going on that hen do because there is a butler in the buff!’ I would laugh and tell him to fuck off, I’m going. No because I’m gagging to see a semi-naked man, but I won’t be dictated to.

She's not forbidding him though. She's clearly laid out her boundaries, he's choosing to pay to see naked women over losing his marriage.

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:44

So sitting in a strip bar having a pint with your mates is cheating? Why assume the worse that he'll be shagging strippers and like another poster said, this is not as common as people assume.

What happens if he watches porn? Is that cheating?
Yeh give him a dance...why the hell not, you could try it ceeceebloom

skysmumm · 15/01/2024 23:47

Men who say "I would never go to the strip club, nor would my friends, do go. They just lie very well about it. 😂

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:48

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:44

So sitting in a strip bar having a pint with your mates is cheating? Why assume the worse that he'll be shagging strippers and like another poster said, this is not as common as people assume.

What happens if he watches porn? Is that cheating?
Yeh give him a dance...why the hell not, you could try it ceeceebloom

What happens if he watches porn? Is that cheating?

Yes!

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:50

Exactly that.

If a topless butler turned up at a hen do, I think some posters would match him out with a duffle coat thrown over him.

I would just roll my eyes at the fact he looks about 12 and laugh at how awkward he looks. Then think nothing of it.

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:50

@cocktailanddreams it's not the dancing for your partner in the realms of a normal healthy sex life that I object to. It's the "oooh give him a lapdance before he goes off and pays another woman to sit on his face, lolz". How "pick me", can you be!