Stag and boundaries

[Blueberrysky1]

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

He doesn’t want to loose face with his friends, be laughed at for living under your thumb.

he needs to man up and respect your feelings. His friend is about to be married, maybe he should point out to his friend that marriage is about respect, and in loving and respecting you he will have to decline the invitation.

or maybe , he really wants to go 🤷🏼‍♀️, in which case I’m sorry OP, I would be really turned off him too. Strip clubs etc are a real turn off for me too, I now I will get shouted down for this, but I think they are full of sad dirty losers who are just trying to act the big I am, absolutely pathetic. All my respect for him would be gone in an instant. I would tell him this and point out that if he can no longer respect you, and you have lost the respect for him, then what’s left ?

@UtterlyButterly2048 it can be the objectifying of women, being against trafficking in the sex trade that people have objections to not just what they might get up to once they are in a strip club

Personally I'd be ok with DH going to a strip club on a stag night. It's completely different IMO to going to one just on a Friday night out.

My dh went to his friends stag do but when they went to the strip club, he just came home. He said a few of them on the chat weren’t up for going so the best man arranged it for the end of the day/ night so only a few people went with the rest going home. My dh wasn’t fussed about upsetting anyone, he was clear from the get go that he wouldn’t be going to strip clubs and no one questioned him on it.
I feel like your dh has already agreed to going before mentioning it to you. He could easily just not take part in that part of day/night.

I think you have told him your boundary and it is up to you to follow through if necessary. FWIW I agree and have the same one. I would leave my partner if they went

@GenXisthebest it’s still naked women being treated as objects and being exploited

@Hiddenvoice I wonder if we will ever get to the stage where going to a strip club becomes the exception rather than the norm on a stag do. Seems such a shame that when a number of the stag party said they wouldn’t go to a strip club the best man still organised a trip to one.

Personally, I see this as controlling. I trust my partner, and they could go to one of these with friends every day of the week, and I wouldn't worry.

If he's getting dragged there by friends, let him. If you don't trust him, why stay?

OP hasn't said why she objects... Trust, 'provenance' of the girls, his respect for women?

If he's a decent guy, he'll go, disapprove, and appear supportive to his mates. That's all.

Are women who go and watch male strippers also wankers?

More bluntly put than what I was thinking but yes, of he respected you, or indeed respected women in general, he'd be declining the strip club part and telling his mates why

This site never disappoints

A woman saying to a man 'I won't let you' is all fine

A man saying it 'get out now are you say there is redflags and he is controlling omg poor you, you have to leave'

My husband may sit at home drinking dandelion wine and calling the Pope every evening to get tips on how to shine his halo when I let him off the leash but that not mean much

But op if you don't want to be with him then dont

It’s not about trusting your partner not to cheat. 🙄

And it’s not controlling to say you’re not interested in a relationship with a man who uses sex industry services. Any more than it would be to say you’re not interested in a relationship with a drug user. Or even not interested in a MAMIL.

Controlling is telling them what to do. But saying that you will end the relationship because you’re not interested in being with a man who does X is not controlling. It’s setting standards for yourself.

Even setting aside the sex industry thing, a man who is scared of losing face with his friends and employs teenage ‘but everyone is doing it’ is very off putting too.

I have no issue with strip clubs on a stag night, on the condition if it’s a respectable place , where the woman are their through choice, making good money and it’s fully safe for them, ie security and no touching, and there are many about like that now.

id have an issue if he went to some low level place where the woman may be being forced or trafficked. So for me its about ensuring they go someplace where the women are safe and it’s clearly their choice. I really don’t see an issue with my husband seeing a woman strip,with a bunch of other blokes on a drunken stag.

id take issue at a private dance, or if he went for other reasons ie not on a stag, or made it a habit, but for a stag, one off, respectable place, fine by me.

im of the mindset though you don’t give an ultimatum unless you’re willing to carry it through. And I also would not have my husband saying he can’t go as his wife won’t let him. For me , it’s his decision, and my only proviso is they make sure it’s a good place, where they are confident the women are there through choice.

("why" of course being because it is degrading both to the women involved and themselves, and the women are very likely to be trafficked or otherwise exploited. Not because his wife doesn't like it but he is too thick to understand why.)

I’m against strip clubs and luckily DH is too. He went on his brothers stag where they hired a stripper night one for inside the house. It was a joke stripper (she’s very fat) and he text immediately. I found it funny and he was at the back messaging throughout - I didn’t mind, I know who the stripper is, quite famous, and so it was just a laugh. The woman is probably a millionaire from it. The next night, they took his brother to a strip club, DH said “not for me” and a few others said “same” so they went to a different bar.

my point is, plenty of guys don’t like going / know they shouldn’t. Only real men are able to actually stand up and say nah. No one minded. Your DH has every ability to say no and not join in. You don’t go to a strip club at 7pm, you go at 11-12 when things elsewhere close. He can easily go home or go to a diff place with someone else.

He obviously wants to go.

@WandaWonder why would any woman be saying ‘I won’t let you’?

’I’m not willing to be in a relationship with a man who <insert behaviour you consider unacceptable>’.

It’s not about letting anyone do something. Or giving permission. That is trying to be in control.

He can do what he likes. But the consequences of it can be that his wife leaves him because she’s not interested in continuing a relationship with a man who does X, Y or Z.

This is really smug and naive.
You are blaming her for choosing a “type” of man so she’ll just have to ‘suck it up.’ Well for a start there is no ‘type’ that’s naive. (See also the thread on here about prostitutes & escorts-again, no set type). At a stag do men invite friends, family, male in- laws, workmates, even friends of friends sometimes as a tradition strip clubs are unfortunately typical. There is no type. Do t be so sure your husband is entirely honest with you about porn, escorts, strip club trips in the past. OF COURSE he’ll tell you what you want to hear.
And OP should not just accept this- she has a boundary and he should respect it- it’s not a case of stopping him doing something he wants. It’s a case of him not doing something incredibly disrespectful to her & the relationship where she has previously made her boundary clear.

That’s simply not true in the uk. There are many legit chains where women are their through choice. And they make a fortune, the men aren’t allowed to touch and the women fully protected. If a woman chooses this. Then I respect her right to do that . I’d not, I’d not wish it as a career choice for my daughter, but I do respect the right of the women who chose it.

of course trafficked women is unacceptable hence why picking the right club is key.

Youre over reacting. The attention will be on the stag and not your husband. If they do go to a strip club theres nothing wrong with him going in for a beer and watching his mate get stitched up.

i can understand you saying no to your husband getting his own private dance... but seriously you want to alienate him from his friends and have him wait outside when they all go in?

It is no surprise at all that there is bro in your user name.

The OP does not have to agree that there’s nothing wrong with any of that.

And, for a lot of us, the part of that argument that would make our desire and respect evaporate irredeemably is the ‘all his mates are doing it’ argument.

‘Oh come on. Everyone else is doing it’ is truly pathetic as a rationale. I’d tell my teenage son as much about that line of argument. Hearing it from an adult man… 🤮

@Frasers how do you know all the women are there by choice in these so called ‘respectable’ clubs? And I don’t just mean not trafficked.

It's irrelevant what any of us think or would do. You've already told him that's a non negotiable, and quite honestly the evasiveness and 'he'll have to go' is quite pathetic. I also wonder what man over 25ish would even want to go, it seems a bit immature and creepy after a certain age. Surely been there and done that? Although I also assume some go and think it's a turn on and other men may go but not be interested at all in the women and just there to be with their mates. I personally find it all a bit ick.

I actually think if these men are his friends they'd be fine if he didn't want to go, even if the reason was respecting his partners wishes.

There is no point in you saying these things unless you mean them.

what are you going to do now if he does go?

as others have said, it’s not about you letting him go, it’s about you choosing whether to be in a relationship with someone who does do these things.

@Natbro

If your mate on a stag do said he wasn't going to join you for the strip club bit, for whatever reason, so would see you all in the morning, would you and your mates really make that big a deal of it?

I think that's really weird assuming you're adults.