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Original poster

Stag and boundaries

219 replies

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 02:26

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

OP posts:
cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:52

So watching sex on tv is cheating? Course it's not.

That's hilarious....

I must have cheated with Christian Grey then

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:53

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:50

Exactly that.

If a topless butler turned up at a hen do, I think some posters would match him out with a duffle coat thrown over him.

I would just roll my eyes at the fact he looks about 12 and laugh at how awkward he looks. Then think nothing of it.

And?

If you're entitled to your opinions and boundaries then so are other women. Some just happen to be different from yours, why is that such a problem for you? You don't consider your DH letting a naked woman gyrate all over him as cheating, that's fine in the confines of your own relationship. Other women DO consider it cheating within their relationships. Why should we have to adhere to your rules?

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:54

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:50

@cocktailanddreams it's not the dancing for your partner in the realms of a normal healthy sex life that I object to. It's the "oooh give him a lapdance before he goes off and pays another woman to sit on his face, lolz". How "pick me", can you be!

Confused It's called having a laugh with your partner.
CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:55

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:52

So watching sex on tv is cheating? Course it's not.

That's hilarious....

I must have cheated with Christian Grey then

I didn't realise Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan had ACTUAL sex in Fifty Shades of Grey? Did anyone else know this? If you don't know the difference between sex scenes and porn then I'd say you're really fucking naive!

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:56

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:54

Confused It's called having a laugh with your partner.
Show quote history

So If I met you and your partner in a nightclub, stripped down to my knickers and gave your partner a lapdance you'd sit there laughing? You have a really weird relationship.

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:57

Chill out, who said anything about naked women gyrating on all men. Probably 80% of the men just sit with a lukewarm beer while the stag gets stitched up.

CeeCeeBloom · 15/01/2024 23:58

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:57

Chill out, who said anything about naked women gyrating on all men. Probably 80% of the men just sit with a lukewarm beer while the stag gets stitched up.

Ok, so that's fine for such a chilled out cool girl like yourself. When did you start making the rules that all women had to adhere to in relationships, exactly?

cocktailanddreams · 15/01/2024 23:59

I can guarantee you won't whip your knickers off for everyone.

Men can go to strip clubs and not do anything other than be with their mates.

You're really not helping the OP by assuming he will do the worse.

CeeCeeBloom · 16/01/2024 00:01

This reply has been deleted

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Deathbyfluffy · 16/01/2024 00:04

OneFrenchEgg · 15/01/2024 08:15

Sometimes I think men don't think beyond superficial level about stuff that doesn't impact them / men directly.
So it would be important to me to be very clear not just on what but also why.
With strip clubs- does he think you are jealous whereas you have a take relating to exploitation of sex workers, possibility of trafficking, and wider socialisation of the idea that all women are objectified by strip/glamour etc?

Your thinking is wrong - I’m a man and I’m very conscious of how my decisions affect others.

I think you’re on the shortlist for ‘most ironic post so far in 2024’!

JenniferBooth · 16/01/2024 00:06

Bookworm20 · 15/01/2024 13:42

I disagree.
Op is not doing anything except sticking to her boundary, which her Dh was and is well informed of and choose to be with her, knowing this.

OP's DH is the one physically doing something which steps over that boundary he was well aware of. For no other reason reason than because he wants to. He knows would hurt her.

So she isn't ending her marriage based on him going to strip club. She is ending the marriage based on her DH doing something he absolutely knows is a dealbreaker to her, yet doing it anyway and basically doesn't care.
She is faced with a partner who she would be unable to view in the same light, because of actions HE choose to take.
I'd say if anyone was saying fuck you in that situation its her DH. He has changed the goalposts. OP hasn't changed or done anything different.

Show quote history

EXACTLY he chose to be with her knowing this

And im willing to bet that the posters disagreeing with that are the same type who would likely go on the step parents board and say "well you chose to get with him knowing he had kids!

Well OPs DH chose to be with her knowing this boundary So why doesnt the same logic apply here? Cos the bar is fucking lower for men thats why.

Oh and when i started reading this thread i thought he would be about 30 but hes in his fucking 50s FIFTIES. And obviously thinks OP wont leave him at this later stage in their marriage.

JenniferBooth · 16/01/2024 00:08

Blueberrysky1 · 15/01/2024 14:23

I've reversed the role, and asked would he be happy and willing for me to go and see male strippers (not that I would), and he has said absolutely no way, not at all and that it's different for men to go and see women strip etc. Because it's what men do. To me that's double standards.

No the equivilent would be whether he would mind you working in one

RantyAnty · 16/01/2024 00:19

Finding out he is in his 50s makes it even more gross and pathetic.

I take it the friend is a similar age?

Guys in their 50s oggling over naked 20 somethings seems ever more creepy and gross.

SunflowerTed · 16/01/2024 00:23

UtterlyButterly2048 · 15/01/2024 08:23

I wouldn’t care if my DH went to a strip club, I find it sad, pathetic and honestly a bit….desperate, but it’s not a deal breaker for me. But that’s me and not you. If this is really a deal breaker for you, tell him and then stick to it. Could it be seen as rigid and controlling? Maybe. I’ve been on hen dos with male strippers and if my DH said I couldn’t go, I wouldn’t like it because I expect him to trust me and understand that I would never do anything remotely inappropriate (I’ve never engaged with these strippers, I’ve always just watched whilst finding it all toe curlingly embarrassing)
Do you think he would do more than watch?

I wouldn’t be happy about my DH going to a strip club but I wouldn’t end my relationship over it. What happens on a stag do stays on the stag do as long as he’s faithful and doesn’t do anything inappropriate

crumblingschools · 16/01/2024 00:28

You don’t think ogling naked women is inappropriate @SunflowerTed. Degrading and exploiting women is fine as long as it is on a stag do

SunflowerTed · 16/01/2024 00:29

Plantsarebeautiful · 15/01/2024 16:24

Does it really matter if they go to a strip club or similar? It doesn’t mean anything. He wants to go and why shouldn’t he, fun with his mates etc. Obv they will be drunk, shouting and grim. But that’s what lots of (not all) men do on their own on nights out, whatever they say to their partners. If they say they don’t, I’d be suspicious.

I agree

crumblingschools · 16/01/2024 00:36

Such low bars

SunflowerTed · 16/01/2024 00:39

LifeExperience · 15/01/2024 23:30

I would not be with a man who went to strip clubs. They are misogynistic and exploitative.The women are often trafficked, addicted, etc. and that is against my values. To be honest, I'm shocked at some of the responses which are defending it. It is not controlling to not want your husband to look at another woman's naked body for sexual gratification. Being sexually exclusive is supposed to be the point of marriage in the first place.

so All strippers are trafficked and all stag parties are misogynistic? I think some of the wives are deeply insecure and jealous most than feeling sorry for the strippers to be honest

SickOfSoreFeet · 16/01/2024 06:18

skysmumm · 15/01/2024 23:47

Men who say "I would never go to the strip club, nor would my friends, do go. They just lie very well about it. 😂

How sad that your experience of men has lead you to this conclusion.

cocktailanddreams · 16/01/2024 06:37

crumblingschools · 16/01/2024 00:36

Such low bars

Why low bars?
Some women are confident and assured in their relationship not to get upset by naked flesh. If I ended up in a strip club, I'd look, out of curiosity, doesn't mean I'm cheating/horny/going to spend ££ on dancers.

Plus I don't understand the generalised assumption that all strippers are trafficked and exploited.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/01/2024 06:59

@cocktailanddreams There are some strip clubs where the women will get totally naked, sit in the man's lap and gyrate on his crotch. And not even just for a private dance. If you're cool with that then that's totally your choice, but I think it's reasonable that some women aren't cool with their partners doing that.

cocktailanddreams · 16/01/2024 07:16

MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/01/2024 06:59

@cocktailanddreams There are some strip clubs where the women will get totally naked, sit in the man's lap and gyrate on his crotch. And not even just for a private dance. If you're cool with that then that's totally your choice, but I think it's reasonable that some women aren't cool with their partners doing that.

Yes I agree I wouldn't like that, in fact, some men wouldn't like it or feel comfortable with that either.

Looking and touching are entirely different.
I just disagree with the statement that walking into a strip bar is cheating, or as one poster claimed, that porn is cheating, it's not. Paying for cam girls for a personal session again in different and unacceptable...in my opinion.

We're all different how we view this and have our own boundaries and it's for each couple to know what is/isn't acceptable for the other person. Respect, trust and communication is the only way in a relationship to deal with this (said from me who had none of these in a previous marriage).

Addressing porn/strippers would have been different with my exDH compared to my DP now.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/01/2024 07:44

@cocktailanddreams Your boundaries are different from the OP's boundaries, and that's fine. Everyone gets to choose their own. People with boundaries like "no porn" might find it harder to find partners, but they still get to set those boundaries if they choose. I don't think it makes sense to have a debate over whether going into a strip club "is cheating" or "isn't cheating" - it's different for different relationships. Personally, I would be OK if my wife had her hands all over a naked male stripper. It doesn't bother me. But I understand that it would bother a lot of men. So there are no universal rules - only the rules for each particular relationship.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 16/01/2024 07:45

I think part of the problem here is that the OP's husband seems to be deliberately vague and evasive, which makes it seem more like he's the type to try to get away with doing more at the club, rather than just sitting at the bar having a quiet drink.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 16/01/2024 09:09

@skysmumm unfortunately I agree with you. It’s a matter of statistics. Strip clubs are popular and well attended. They must be, they are a commercial enterprise. Thousands and thousands of mainly men attend them. Are they ALL single or have they ALL told their significant other they are there? I find that hard to believe! I think lots of men do go and lie about it, including by professing how “grim” they think these places are. There are not many men who would tell their wife that they actively enjoying ogling young semi naked women or want them to shimmy about all over them, but many obviously do or strip clubs wouldn’t exist.