Stag and boundaries

[Blueberrysky1]

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

I'm not claiming to be be cool, far from it. However thank you for your perceptions.

It's a forum..we all have differing opinions, stop getting angry when people have different ones.

Ask him if he would be quite happy for all his mate to watch and receive private dances from your daughter once she turns 18.

I mean if its all in your head and nothing wrong with it, then that would be a perfectly acceptable career for her.

Point out she could make extra money if she does, you know, extras etc

I mean what's good for the gander and all that....

Ask him if he would be quite happy for all his mate to watch and receive private dances from your daughter once she turns 18.

Excellent question. The truth is the men who go to these places don't see the women who work there as human beings, which is how they're able to compartmentalise what they're doing and treat these women as wank fodder. It would be a totally different story if it was their daughter, their wife, their mother!

Sending support OP. I would feel exactly the same in your position. And your husband's responses to your objections make it all 10 times worse. What an absolute child.

Oh hang on, it’s like people are competing to see how extreme they can be. I mean it’s one thing to not like strip clubs but to say the men think the woman are inhuman is way out there.

I'd say treating women as objects to be bought and sold is pretty dehumanising.

men think the woman are inhuman

@Frasers Inhuman typically refers to actions or behaviors that are cruel, brutal, or lacking in compassion. There's definitely an argument to say that men who frequent Strip clubs are inhuman. However, I think the word you're looking for is dehumanise:
"but to say the men dehumanise the women in strip clubs is way out there."

Workers are dehumanised, as the job involves being viewed as objects of desire rather than as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. They are reduced to mere commodities for entertainment.

There have been many instances of trafficked women being forced to work in the adult entertainment industry, including strip clubs, raising ethical concerns. The a lack of strict regulations in the adult entertainment industry, including strip clubs, contributes to an environment where traffickers can exploit individuals without adequate oversight. Vulnerable and/or migrant women, especially those with uncertain immigration status, can be particularly vulnerable to trafficking for forced labor in various industries in the adult entertainment sector.

Strip clubs also contribute to a culture that normalizes the commodification of women, influencing societal attitudes towards gender roles.They reinforce gender inequalities by presenting women as objects for male pleasure rather than as equals in society.

Don't forget about the psychological impact on performers. Working in such environments often lead to emotional and mental health challenges.

people are competing to see how extreme they can be

None of these points are extreme. They are mere points. Which you're either blissfully ignorant to. Or fully aware of but ok with?

I'm sorry but this man doesn't respect you at all. It's a horrible thing to realise after such a long time together but there's no way he would act like this if he respected you and your partner should absolutely respect you.
I am however in awe of how well you have stood your ground and handled it.

@Frasers I know men who have gone to strip clubs and have acted like the women are not real human beings with feelings. I think some men are quite careful about what they'll say in front of other women in their lives (wives, girlfriends, family members) but I've heard more of their "raw" thoughts because I'm a man too, and they start to tell me stories and then they notice that I'm not joining in and I'm looking grossed out and they think "oh shit, he's not one of us, he can't be trusted to be one of the lads" and then they don't confide in me after that. Lots of men are not like that, but some are, and some of them hide it when they're not just with "the lads".

That doesn't explain why it was relevant.

It didn't 'touch a nerve', I was just questioning why you think your view makes any difference to anybody except you. I was amused more than anything. You didn't even comment on OP's situation, just yourself.

In a healthy relationship, if one partner does have 'problems in their head', then the other partner tries to be supportive, and help.

So even if he was right, he's being a dick.

You need out, don't you, @Blueberrysky1 ? You can't stay with someone who's willing to say you're mentally unwell because he doesn't get his own way, surely.

I think he could either be lying about what they're saying or if he's telling the truth, then that's also how he feels about the sex industry. The mention of Amsterdam, then you know that it's going to be a lot more than just a strip club. Those guys are going to go there to get laid.

The strip club bit aside, his reaction seems odd, like he is a bit scared of doing things without your approval.

”I can’t say no” implies that he thinks you wouldn’t want him to go on this stag at all, regardless of strip club which at the moment is completely imaginary.

Is this the dynamic in your relationship as that is not healthy at all.

He really doesn't sound frightened of her reactions. He sounds like he loves it when she's upset.

Then he puts a post up on social media saying pissing people off is like a piece of cake, I like cake!

He goes out regular with his mates, that's not an issue. I actually think that he knew more about their plans and that he would be crossing the line, hence his reaction.

@Blueberrysky1 Is it quite a new thing for him to be so willing to pick a huge fight with you to the point where you sleep on the couch? Or has he been prepared to have massive fallouts for a while? If it's a new thing then I wonder whether something bigger has changed with how he sees your relationship.

I think strip clubs in many European countries are more "extreme" than in the UK so I think your objections are even more well-founded if that's what they're doing.

Unfortunately it's been the pattern for some time. He had a break down after his parents and brother put extreme pressure in him to do their homes up and run them around etc. It was like he was never able to say no to them, and consequently it made him unwell, impacted on our family life, and he hasn't been the same since.

It's as though he no longer considers my feelings, he'll say nasty things like 'I'm glad our baby died' or when I said to him that he has to learn to say 'no' to his family, because he was unwell and we had our own home to renovate. He would tell me to '#uckoff, because blood would always come first'.

He said he's glad your baby died?

There's no coming back from that I don't think.

You can't be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone capable of such cruelty.

You have children. A teenage daughter. Show her that being in a relationship is only the right decision if you're with someone who treats you well.

Don't teach her to put up with men like her father. Wouldn't you be heartbroken if after a loss her future partner said that to her?

@Blueberrysky1 the stag do is the least of your worries, you need to LTB (and I don't say that very often)

so as this thread goes on my jaw drops. Forget the stag, you want him out of your life. Hes glad your baby died?? You can’t come back from that ever. I’m so sorry about your baby.