Stag and boundaries

[Blueberrysky1]

A few days ago my husband had an invite to his mates stag do, he's been out with his mate before, so not an issue, but his reaction made me suspicious. He said he'd been added to a group for X's day and night stag. He kept looking at me saying that he can't say no, that he'll have to go. And there's no way I can say no, we've been friends for a long time. He was trying to be hesitant in accepting it, but making out he had no choice, which made me suspicious.

I've mentioned in the past that strip clubs/strippers is a massive no, and would be crossing the line for me.

So today, I asked if any info of where they were going for the stag had been posted on the group. He said no, so I made a passing comment 'what if it's to strip club or they have a stripper booked'? He replied 'so what if they have, I'll have to go'. I made it clear, that they were a big no for me and would be the end if our relationship. He replied 'great X will be getting married and I'll be getting devorced.

I honestly would respect my partners boundaries, and not want to hurt or upset him. I know he would not want me going to see strippers and I don't think I could get over it, if he did.

Perhaps they aren't going to a strip club etc, but his reaction hasn't really been reassuring.

Would others accept their partner going to a strip club, if they knew it's crossing the line and a big No No?

But yes, if you've agreed your boundaries, they shouldn't be crossed.

That's not a boundary, it's a direction. There is no 'should', and a person's boundaries only affect their own behaviour and choices. If you've agreed your boundaries, and one person crosses them, then trust is broken and the relationship will likely change. But there are no 'shoulds'.

But OP hasn't said he can't go, so this is all irrelevant. OP has told him before that she won't have a relationship with someone who visits strip clubs. So, he has a choice to make, and that's all.

@Watchkeys I agree. My post was badly worded.

we each get to set our own rules for what constitutes cheating. Some women are ok with strip clubs. Some women are not. Make it clear to your husband that for you, going to a strip club is cheating and has consequences for your marriage.

he could skip just that part of the evening. He may even find that there are other men in the group looking for an out.

Exactly, I’m surprised by the people don’t know what a boundary is. The ops boundary is she will not remain married to a man who would go to a strip club as part of his mates stag as a one off. It isn’t something you agree with anyone, your boundary is for you alone to decide.

now I might find that a really extreme boundary, and suspect she’s no intention of divorcing him, but instead trying to bully him into not going, but let’s just say that’s really her boundary as she states it.

him knowing that, can chose to go or not, it’s not his boundary, he never has to agree to her boundaries, she decides them. Not him. she’s not in a position to give him rules or dictate to him. So he as an adult, needs to make his decision, which is what he’s doing,he’s going, she then needs to end her marriage if indeed that is her true boundary

she seems not to be doing this though.

Exactly, I’m surprised by the people don’t know what a boundary is

About half of the relationships thread is posted by people who don't know. I didn't know, until I had counselling in my 40s. Why they don't teach this is schools is beyond me; it's more important and relevant than almost any other lesson.

Does it really matter if they go to a strip club or similar? It doesn’t mean anything. He wants to go and why shouldn’t he, fun with his mates etc. Obv they will be drunk, shouting and grim. But that’s what lots of (not all) men do on their own on nights out, whatever they say to their partners. If they say they don’t, I’d be suspicious.

My husband has been to stag dos with strips clubs and gone back to the hotel rather than go in.

Is he such a child he can’t manage to say ‘no’? Or does he actually want to go? Which would be enough for me to call it a day.

The low standards and expectations on this thread are a fucking travesty.

Why are you deciding this? What you're saying is that this battle isn't one that you, personally, would fight. Do you think that everybody should be the same as you, or are we all allowed to choose our own battles?

OK, so don't call it a 'boundary' then. Call it acceptable behaviour from a partner.
Same outcome.

A partner purposely doing something that they are well aware would be upsetting (for whatever reason) to their significant other.
And doing so for no other reason than 'they want to'.
Personally I call that being an arsehole, but i'm sure someone will come along and correct me.

I wouldn't object, and haven't, to my DH going, on a very rare occasion, but the double standards would be a deal breaker for me!

So you'd advocate for staying in a relationship with someone who will knowingly do things that you count to be dealbreakers, because, if you don't, they'll use it against you?

Do you understand what boundaries are at all?

Having a partner who likes to look at other women naked is a big deal for some people, and you don't get to decide for anybody but yourself whether it's important or not.

Are you trolling?- seriously?

Examples:

• someone might have a moral objection to eating meat. They therefore might only want a relationship with someone who doesn't eat meat.
• someone might have a moral objection to drug use. They therefore might only want a relationship with someone who doesn't use drugs.
• someone might have a moral objection to the sex industry. Do I need to go on?

You personally may not be bothered about something. But others might be, and have the right to choose to be in a relationship with someone who respects their views. That is a choice. What feels hard to understand about that?

I made my boundaries clear before we got married and if my dh even asked if he could go to a strip club he'd be ex dh and he knows that and knows I would mean it.
With the suggestion that your dh doesn't see a problem with it, I couldn't stay with him anyway as I couldn't be with someone I didn't respect.

@Gulten It's clear that you don't see strip clubs as a big deal. And that's fine. The OP does see them as a big deal, and that's fine too. She is allowed to decide that this is a deal-breaker even if you think it shouldn't be.

My husband refused to attend such parties and I love him for his stance. He never attended one in the 30+ years we've been together. He finds them revolting.

About fifteen or so years ago I was invited to a hen do.
Oh the embarrassment.
The bridesmaids had created sashes saying 'available for one night only' for the bride, who was mortified and the arranged for a male stripper which the bride was visibly disturbed by.

I left early making some bland excuse but the poor bride had to endure this shite. Various bar regulars were trying it on with her.

I felt so sorry for her.

@

"Men who go to strip clubs are wankers"

😂

I personally have no problem if my do went to a strip club as part of a stag do that he didn't organise, so long as no touching lap dances etc, which he is well aware of. I have seen male strippers at hen dos that I didn't organise and I found them very funny! I trust my do , and think he would feel the same. But I also have to mention he hasn't been to a strip club before

@loopyloolou

Why is any of that relevant? OP has a problem with it. You don't. It's not about you and your preferences, is it?