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Original poster

Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

204 replies

Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:13

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2024 01:18

No. You’re absolutely correct.

You’ve been honest with him about what you want for your future and your expectations. Do you feel like he is being honest with you?

At your age, a timeline is important. I would stick to it. If there is no engagement after a year, I would end the relationship. You don’t need to bring it up again but don’t let him control your life. You deserve some agency too

FishTheRiver · 07/01/2024 01:20

If you haven't yet lived together then I think if I were him I wouldn't want to put a timeline on it. It's hard to know how you will get on together until you've lived together.
You are right to let him know that you definitely want to get married at some point and if you don't think he will commit some point then you will dump him.

GreatGateauxsby · 07/01/2024 01:21

He is 29 it's been 3 years...

If after 4 years together he isn't sure.... that's a no.

Marriage isn't some prize he gets to dangle with some mysterious "ill know when I know" / if you are good enough and well behaved enough I'll propose.

Its your future and your fertility too.
I think a timeline is fine.

It may be he is cautious and rightly wants to live together before deciding to marry/ propose that's fine... BUT there is a difference between saying that and being unable to say "yes, if after a year of happily cohabitation I'd want to commit to marriage".... that is something else entirely.

As an aside... congratulations on achieving home ownership at such a young age! Ensure he has no right to your home in the event you break up and stay on effective contraception.

RJnomore1 · 07/01/2024 01:21

Don’t move him in and get on with your life without him.

I know it sounds harsh but men who want to build a life with you don’t mess about.

HeddaGarbled · 07/01/2024 01:23

If you haven't yet lived together then I think if I were him I wouldn't want to put a timeline on it. It's hard to know how you will get on together until you've lived together

Yeah, but, a year is plenty enough time.

WandaWonder · 07/01/2024 01:29

If I had to put a timeline on something i would move on, marriage to me comes about naturally and I don't understand the need for a ring to get engaged/ married, other than the childhood 'I want to be a princess' dream

People can be happy together without the need to tick boxes, if you can't be then he is not right

Original poster
Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:30

RJnomore1 · 07/01/2024 01:21

Don’t move him in and get on with your life without him.

I know it sounds harsh but men who want to build a life with you don’t mess about.

Yeah I've been thinking I should tell him I don't think we should move in together, he has always made it seem we were moving in that direction

I'm perfectly happy to live together before getting engaged and I'm not even asking to be engaged by this time next year, just a decision.
But he's made me feel crazy for that

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:31

WandaWonder · 07/01/2024 01:29

If I had to put a timeline on something i would move on, marriage to me comes about naturally and I don't understand the need for a ring to get engaged/ married, other than the childhood 'I want to be a princess' dream

People can be happy together without the need to tick boxes, if you can't be then he is not right

That's fair enough, but we both have said we want children and he said he'd definitely want to me married before having any.
So obviously that would be a worry, fertility wise

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 07/01/2024 01:33

I’ve been in exactly your place. I eventually got an engagement and marriage out of him. It was a horrible, expensive mistake. I’m even the one who initiated the divorce after our very brief marriage

We weren’t a good match. He wasn’t a bad man. I did love him, but we had no business trying to plan a life together. He sensed that more than me. I admit that the ticking clock of my fertility probably made it harder for me to see. Thank goodness I got out before we had children.

if he is the right one, neither of you will have any doubt. Getting engaged and planning the wedding will be the most obvious thing in the world.

GreatGateauxsby · 07/01/2024 01:39

The fact you can't have this conversation without him making you " feel crazy for that" is a red flag tbh.

Especially as marriage kids and life in general bring so many challenges. If you aren't rock solid now when you are young in good health, carefree and it's easy... When will you be?

I'd try another conversation but if it's not going anywhere you might do well to defer him moving in as it will make splitting up easier.

My DH and I openly discussed our future and timelines together. We weren't always sure about what we wanted or when but we could be honest and open with each other about everything. They were never hard conversations. Being together getting married and having kids was totally natural/easy/straightforward.

Redruby2020 · 07/01/2024 01:59

So, he wants a year to live in YOUR home, to see how he feels, and if engagement is not of interest for him, then what?!

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 02:06

Do NOT let this man move in. You want different things and he is avoiding a commitment so that he gets to split bills and have sex on demand, making sure you are off the market, while there are no advantages for you. If you want to be married it won't happen this way.

If you want to be married only let a man move in when you are engaged and getting married in less than a year.

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you, this isn't what you want (or need). I can almost guarantee that if you get pregnant he won't want to marry you.

Sandia1 · 07/01/2024 02:07

The decision to get married needs to come from both of you. If he has made comments like 'your turn next' before, I think it is unfair of him to act like you're being unreasonable/pressurising. Surely he knows you well enough by now to know if he wants to commit to you? I would be very wary.

coxesorangepippin · 07/01/2024 02:08

He'll be very hard to get rid of once he moves in

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 02:10

@Sandia1 agreed. He has had more than enough time to figure out what he wants and he sounds like he has no intention of marrying you. You would be a mug to proceed.

In fact if you want to be married I would dump him. Men know what they want and if they want to marry you they move fast. You are so young, get out there and find a man who wants what you want!

Chaiandtoast · 07/01/2024 02:15

What does he propose instead? That he moves into your home and presumably pays less rent than he would for his own place, whilst spending the next 5 years deciding if he does actually like you enough to commit to you?
hes 29 it’s been 3 years. I accept wanting to experience living together first, but to declare it as ‘not sure about you yet, still weighing up my options and reviewing your performance’ I wouldn’t be happy about at all

CupofTea29 · 07/01/2024 02:16

I moved abroad for a year to be with my ex as he dangled the idea of an engagement- two years on he hadn’t proposed and i realised he was never going to. When I met my now husband he moved in after five months, and proposed four months later. The other end of the spectrum, we moved quite fast! But I realised when someone wants to be with you, it’s clear. Now happily married eight years later with two kids. Don’t waste your time with someone who will mess you about.

Perhapsoneday · 07/01/2024 02:17

He would know by now. It’s marriage not buying a car. If it’s not a hell yes in the beginning, it’s a no.

You’re young, you own your own place, and it sounds like you have a firm understanding of what you want for the future. Go find someone who wants the same to share your life with. It’s not this guy you’re with.

RogueFemale · 07/01/2024 02:21

You are not wrong for wanting a vague timeline. You're not crazy or desperate, just being sensible.

It's a warning sign that he's objecting to a reasonable deadline and telling you you're 'desperate'. He's had three years to think about it already. He's gaslighting you, stringing you along, keeping his options open.

I think it's a mistake for you to have him move in with you. Chances are that in a year he'll still be unsure and then it'll be that much harder as you'll have to kick him out in order to start again.

Value yourself, believe in what you want and if you don't get it, move on.

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 02:26

I missed that you actually own your apartment!

Don't let him move in with BELLS ON!

He is going to benefit massively financially from moving in with you and is a total cocklodger.

Please tell him you've changed your mind, the relationship is over and move on.

I also met my husband who proposed to me 3 months later and we married within a year. Still very happily married years later. When men want you they move fast, when they drag their feet and avoid an engagement they are keeping their options open.

Don't be his option any longer. Bow out and find someone worthy of your love (and free accommodation) who definitely wants to marry you.

Outthedoor24 · 07/01/2024 02:27

Op I'd say no to him moving in. Zero benefit to you and a PITA to get him back out.
Hes had 3 years to get a ring on your finger, if he was keen he'd have done it by now, he's stringing you along.

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 02:36

Also, I think if you have to ask HIM about marriage and he is reluctant to talk about it that's all you need to know. He doesn't want to marry you.

You don't want to be cajoling a man to marry you, it should be a mutual desire and something he is keen to pursue.

This isn't his dream. You are alone in this dream, he's not in it. Like @Ponderingwindow said, you don't want to have to drag a man to the altar, that is massive mistake - the marriage is almost certainly doomed and you could find someone much more compatible who would propose unprompted.

At 26 you will find that many 29 year old men DO want to be married. Don't waste more years on this man, find someone who shares the same hopes and dreams.

LifeExperience · 07/01/2024 02:42

Don't let him move in. If you have to beg a man to give you a timeline after dating for three years, he's not a keeper. And calling you crazy for asking makes him a nasty twat to boot. He already knows if he wants to marry you; he's just not telling you, because he knows you won't like it.

Duckingella · 07/01/2024 02:43

3 years seems a long time to be dating in your 20's before actually moving in together;is there a particular reason it's taken this long and how has the decision to do it now come about?

Duckingella · 07/01/2024 02:44

As for the above comment I've made;I'm wondering if he's commitment phobic.

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