Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

204 replies

Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:13

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 07/01/2024 09:11

If he doesn't want to get engaged, then he sure as hell won't want to get married.
Cut your losses and don't have him move in with in you. It might not be that easy to get him out.

Sarvanga38 · 07/01/2024 09:12

At this moment in time, I think you’re being the most unreasonable. Perfectly fine to tell him your life goals, but a ‘timeline on getting engaged’ is utterly daft. Quite apart from anything else, it’s meaningless - he could just say OK for an easy life, then never act on it.

It seems reasonable from his point of view that he won’t commit to marriage (committing to engagement is meaningless, unless it leads to wedding plans) until you’ve lived together.

What would be entirely reasonable is for you to establish your own boundaries, state them and review them as you go, then not allow the relationship to drift along and find yourself still in a relationship with no firm commitment in 5/10 years.

Nevermindtheteacaps · 07/01/2024 09:13

It sounds like you're the higher earner with more assets?

So getting married is a bad idea anyway

Kiitos · 07/01/2024 09:14

Nevermindtheteacaps · 07/01/2024 09:13

It sounds like you're the higher earner with more assets?

So getting married is a bad idea anyway

This. Regardless of all the other red flags

I also remember a similar post a few weeks ago

Alwaystired23 · 07/01/2024 09:16

You are not wrong or crazy. Don't let him move in. My ex was like this. Luckily, we never did get did get married. After one row, he said, "If I really loved you, I would have married you by now." We had been together 4.5 years by this point. That said, it all it to me. We broke up 18 months later, the best decision I ever made. What I thought was love certainly wasn't. 2 years later, I was married to my now dh of 13 years, with a baby. We now have 2 dc, and I am happy. My current dh wanted to live me. He wanted to marry me. There was no waiting or persuading involved. There will be someone like that out there for you. I wasted 6 years of my life on an abusive gaslighting dick head. Don't be me..

AnOrdinaryWoman · 07/01/2024 09:17

I'm torn on this one.

On one hand I do think it is important to live together before making a life long commitment to each other. "you never really know someone until you live with them" and all of that!

On the other hand he is being completely unreasonable making you feel crazy for bringing up the engagement chat. There's ways to go about that conversation and the way he handled it seems like a bit of a red flag for me!

newnamechangeforthisone · 07/01/2024 09:17

Protect your assets. He doesn't sound like he is moving in the right direction and cutting off things now will be better than curtain off later minus your assists.

Welcometothehumanrace · 07/01/2024 09:19

If you are the only home owner, are you the main earner? Have you considered implications of marriage considering the outcomes if you will be the only one bringing the assets?
MN always gives out the same advice about being "vulnerable" after kids but realistically a large % of women do not give up work and become SAHM these days. IME marriage (and subsequent divorce) is as much risk to originally self sufficient women in the long run. Of course if you plan to give up work after children then marriage is only option. But it's worth considering why you want marriage if not.

UserM6 · 07/01/2024 09:24

Nevermindtheteacaps · 07/01/2024 09:13

It sounds like you're the higher earner with more assets?

So getting married is a bad idea anyway

This.

Especially to someone that doesn’t want to marry you. 3 years is a long time in your 20’s.

TrashedSofa · 07/01/2024 09:26

WandaWonder · 07/01/2024 01:29

If I had to put a timeline on something i would move on, marriage to me comes about naturally and I don't understand the need for a ring to get engaged/ married, other than the childhood 'I want to be a princess' dream

People can be happy together without the need to tick boxes, if you can't be then he is not right

The problem with thinking this way about timelines is that human fertility has a timeline. Especially women's. So anyone who wants DC, as OP does, has already had a timeline put on them by Mother Nature. The only question is how a person responds to that.

roarrfeckingroar · 07/01/2024 09:32

I would say you're a bit young to be worried about a timeline but that his response speaks volumes about him being not nearly ready for marriage or interested in marrying you specifically. Good on you for knowing what you want and feeling confident to say it.

ChittaChatta · 07/01/2024 09:36

Redruby2020 · 07/01/2024 01:59

So, he wants a year to live in YOUR home, to see how he feels, and if engagement is not of interest for him, then what?!

^^ think carefully
He's happy for him to get what he wants but no guarantees for you.

Richie23 · 07/01/2024 09:39

From my experience if someone wants to be commited to you then they don’t really hesitate and go back and forth etc. My ex said multiple times that he wanted marriage etc, but when I asked when that would be he wouldn’t give a clear answer etc. Thankfully we broke up and I met my now husband. We dated for about 9 months, got engaged, married 7 months later. He said he knew he wanted to marry me so what would we be waiting around for? If there’s no logical reason (I.E. one of you already being married and not yet divorced or something) then what exactly is he waiting for?
The fact that he’s willing to move in with you but not be serious about the next steps in your relationship would be a worry for me. It sounds like you’re on different pages about where the relationship is headed.
I do believe that when someone wants to be with you they won’t risk losing you.

Startingagainandagain · 07/01/2024 09:52

I was initially going to say that it can be sensible to wait until you have tried living together to make a further commitment. Because that helps work out if you can really cope with the routine of being together everyday and each other's quirks...

But then I read your 'But he's made me feel crazy for that' update.

Don't let him move in and end the relationship.

He sounds like he is wasting your time. You don't want to be with someone who makes you feel bad for expressing a completely natural need for long term commitment and a family.

Yearofchanges · 07/01/2024 09:54

Hi OP I had a similar conversation with my now husband and said if he wanted me to move in with him then engagement would need to be imminent as I didn't have time to waste as by then, in my early 30s. Moved in in the march and engaged in June. But he'd already said in month two/three he wanted to marry me and I knew I wanted to to.

AnnaMagnani · 07/01/2024 09:57

@Ilovegoldies I did one better than not living together before we were married and we actually didn't live together until 2 years after we were married.

Was a bit of a shock when he did move in but both of us were completely committed by that stage so worked on it.

Did I learn anything when he moved in that I didn't know from the first weekend he stayed over when we were dating? No not really, the signs were all there.

I already knew he couldn't cook, had a tendency to hoarding and thought the fairies did the cleaning. So honestly while it was more annoying living with it every day, it wasn't new information.

I did also know he was kind, supportive, good with money, committed for the long term and we had loads in common. Again, I knew all of this after about week 2, it didn't need him moving in.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 09:58

If you haven't lived together I think its fair enough for him to want to see how thar goes first. But it is fair enough for you to decide you want it to take a year max before you get engaged. Finally I would say if you do get engaged within the year then there may also be the challenge of getting him to commit to actually getting married. If it is important to you to be married before having children I suggest you do not agree to the engagement unless it comes with a "marry me and let's sort the wedding out in the next 6 months"

coodawoodashooda · 07/01/2024 10:00

RJnomore1 · 07/01/2024 01:21

Don’t move him in and get on with your life without him.

I know it sounds harsh but men who want to build a life with you don’t mess about.

This. He is saying that if you are good you might get the prize. You've already waited a long time.

coodawoodashooda · 07/01/2024 10:01

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 02:51

I definitely don't like that rather than take responsibility for the fact that he doesn't want to be married he makes out you are wrong in some way.

It's fine if he doesn't want marriage; but you do.

He wants to move in because it's a win-win for him while you get no advantages and instead will find it very difficult to get him out.

If you want to be married, moving in should be a direct precursor to marriage.

This too. He's got so much power whilst you keep your fingers crossed and can't step out of line.

Polis · 07/01/2024 10:03

Finally I would say if you do get engaged within the year then there may also be the challenge of getting him to commit to actually getting married.

Isn’t that what an engagement is? With no commitment or intent to marry, there is no engagement.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 07/01/2024 10:05

Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:30

Yeah I've been thinking I should tell him I don't think we should move in together, he has always made it seem we were moving in that direction

I'm perfectly happy to live together before getting engaged and I'm not even asking to be engaged by this time next year, just a decision.
But he's made me feel crazy for that

Show quote history

@RJnomore1 is spot on. Do not be made to feel crazy, that’s part of his narrative to try and ensure he gets his own way (ie. Moves into your mortgage free home, saves a fortune with zero commitment).

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2024 10:07

I think you’re starting to see through him. It will be much easier if you say I thought moving in was a precursor to engagement, if you don’t see it that way much more positively than you do then I’d rather we not move in together actually. Why would you even want to live with someone if as you say you have no idea if you’ll want to marry me for years or even ever? I’m not desperate because of my age, that was a childish snipe from you, I just expect my boyfriend of several years to see a future with me. Obviously you don’t and have been full of crap with all your comments up to now- ok to change your mind of course but you aren’t moving in.

Daisies12 · 07/01/2024 10:07

That’s very quick, just see how it goes? Surely you want to see how it goes living with him, as well? And be very very cautious If he’s moving in, get a written agreement to protect your property if you split.

OutYerEd · 07/01/2024 10:09

No way would I be letting him move in to my place, if I were you.

perfectcolourfound · 07/01/2024 10:16

At 26, please don't feel you're under a ticking clock re children. Most younger (say under 40) people I know hadn't met their future children's father at your age. There really isn't a rush. And if you feel a rush to do it, you risk making poor decisions about the future father.

Aside from that, it doesn't look like you're on the same page. It's fine for him to say he isn't ready to commit. Very sensible to be honest about such things. But what would bother me is his previous future faking. Making comments about it being you next / being engaged within the year. You now know they were lies. Or at the very best he was saying stuff he hadn't really thought about seriously, and now realises he didn't mean.

So it's fine for him to not be sure about being engaged. But it isn't fair to lie and lead you along. Especially to lead you along to the extent he's moving into YOUR house, while telling you that you're unreasonable for wanting to know the direction things are going.

Take back some ownership of this. It is up to you both equally whether you marry / when you make the decision / when you get married. He might not want to decide for another couple of years, but you want to decide within the year. So, if in a year's time he isn't sure - there's your decision. He isn't right for you. (And if he doesn't know wihtin a year of living with you, I think you'd have your answer anyway).

Take back your power. It isn't his to hold. He doesn't get to make all the decisions, lead you on, then tell you that you're the unreasonable one, while taking advantage of the home you've paid for.