Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

[Stephopp]

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

he's made me feel crazy for that

He's dicking you about. Be aware of a man who "makes you feel crazy" for a perfectly honest way that you are feeling in a relationship with him.

You're 26?

RUN! You have your whole life to live, and as an old gimmer (in my 60's) he's not it.

Learn to be single before pitching your wagon to a star that will combust you.

Well done!

He's made it clear that it's YOUR decision so he can go away and get sympathy because you broke up with him when in reality he forced your hand by not even being a willing participant in the conversation, let alone the actual future.

But you know what OP I'm so absolutely proud of you and even though you're sad I hope you're proud of you too. It's amazing that you laid out your boundaries and stuck to them, so many of these posts to the other way. You're bloody superwoman! That shows that you'll be able to set healthy boundaries with someone else and get the relationship you deserve.

You must be feeling pretty low. You'll miss having someone there but don't go crawling back to him.

You must be looking back thinking why was it always you who did the chasing after an argument.
I tell you DH and I never argue. We just don't. I don't know how or why but we don't.

My advice is to block him on everything and delete his number from your contacts. That way you cannot message him and you get a cleasn break.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

He was future faking you. Chatting pie in the sky about marriage but as soon as the engagement started to become a reality, he was off like a shot with the delays.

I’m sorry he’s acting like that it must be so hurtful - but he’s even lying about being friends isn’t he? If he wanted to be friends he wouldn’t be blocking you.

block him right back and remember this feeling if you’re tempted to get back with him

Not sure on this. He may have felt a bit unnecessarily pressured, but you're not unreasonable to say what you want out of the relationship.

Good on you telling his exactly what you want. He seems to be on the fence about the relationship. If you know you want to be with someone, it should take this much persuading. It sounds like this is not what he wants truly.

I'd think if this is the partner for you. Or, find someone who whole heartedly wants to be with you and have children with you.

Wow! His behaviour when you finished things says it all. To not even challenge your decision and then immediately block you on FB and Insta - what a bellend!

I'd follow up and block his phone number and on WhatsApp too, and definitely don't message him. Actually, the fact you say you're the one who always has to reach out after an argument is revealing more about this man that he's really not the one. In one way it's good this has happened now OP as you're still young enough to find someone decent.

he was but I decided and he couldn't change my mind.

He said he really wanted to stay friends

Ridiculous.
He sounds really emotionally immature, he is being a sad sack for himself it likely has v little to do with you.

personally I can’t get over people when I am in contact with them. Clean break is best and fastest

I have crap impulse control so I generally

• block on WhatsApp
• clear my call history
• delete any text convos
• delete from social media
• clear WhatsApp convos so I can’t trail through them
• Delete contact from phone

if you need to return things etc use email and keep it factual and unemotional.

one thing to remember:
lovely for him that he wants to be friends but the beautiful thing about not dating is you don’t have to care what he wants anymore.

Well done!
Now work on doing things that make you happy and bring you success. You will meet someone far nicer eventually.

Best wishes for your future, your Mr Right is out there. I hope you have lots of friends around you able to help fill that void.

Just be grateful you ended it now than him moving in and trying to end it when you are living in the same house.

@Stephopp That response has shown you what you could expect in the future.

You’ve not been unreasonable at all.

If he was the right man, he wouldn’t have let it get to this situation.

I once had a boyfriend I was passionately in love with, he was supposed to meet my parents (big planned evening out) he went out clubbing the night before and overdid it and bailed on me. We split up. But later I went back to him. We bought a house together. He was distant, unsupportive, unloving. I should have looked at his actions. He didn’t love me. I remember shouting at him ‘we aren’t on the same team!’ And we weren’t.

It’s a cliche but when someone shows you who they are believe them.

This bloke doesn’t want to commit, doesn’t want to plan a future (because planning means taking responsibility and being a grown up). He doesn’t want to fight for you or to fix the problem which after all is easily done if he wanted to. He hasn’t stuck around and fought for you.

You feel like shit. But trust me you would feel much worse if you were 35 or 36 in this situation.

Your choice of partner is probably the biggest, riskiest choice you have to make. Especially if you want to have a family. Women don’t have as much time as men, this bloke will probably sort it out in his 40s if he’s lucky. But you won’t be sticking about to see it.

What you should do now is plan to do something you’ve always wanted to do. Some travel, take up a sport or hobby. And be strategic … I’m not talking being like a stalker but think right, what kind of bloke do I want and get out there and do some different stuff so you can meet him in a few months time!

It took me forever to find my lovely husband. He’s stuck by me through some terrible stuff, cancer last year and has just finished driving me and my parents home across two states.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

His reaction doesn’t mean he didn’t love you and doesn’t reflect on you at all. He loved you as much as he was capable of, that just wasn’t enough. But not because of you, because of his emotional immaturity and ability. Either way, better to know now than in a year or two. Good luck!

This

It's been 3 years by this point he knows you and should know if he will commit to you.

Do not waste time on him

I think its partly how you've presented things that is making him cautious. Saying you expect to be engaged within a year and have a date set for the wedding is quite pressuring. Saying you cant wait for him to move in, it's all gonna go great and that by this time next year your confident you'll know hes the man you wanna settle down and marry and have a family with sounds more like a shared goal/invite rather than demand.
Its ridiculous to ask him now if he thinks hell be ready to marry you in a years time. It's not ridiculous for you to think in a years time, look if you're still unsure were clearly in different places and we need to separate.....but that's a year away. Who knows, maybe you'll get your proposal next xmas or perhaps he wants to propose on holiday....2025! Make sure he understands that the proposal and ring arent deal breakers.

Naughty, er, I don’t think you read the thread!!

Blimey! Don't do you any favours!

It's like he's testing you

Thanks everyone for the kind and supportive messages. I know ending it is for the best. But I'm finding it really hard not to message him at the moment, I want to tell him how hurt I am and that I think he's treated me awfully.
My friends tell me not to as he just doesn't care,I know that's true but still difficult
I don't think he'll ever message me again because I really don't think he cares

Keep your chin up, put on your favourite tv show/movie and get a brew!
Do not message him. He is not worth the energy and you'll only become part a 'crazy ex girlfriend' narrative.

You are stronger than you know and we're all rooting for you!

I would really encourage you to block him everywhere and delete his number because it would be a mistake to call him. It will just be more painful, and as you say, he always expects you to be the reaching out as he never does. You should just focus on yourself and your own happiness and well being. If feel the need, get a therapist but don't contact him.

You did the right thing in end things with him. He is 29 and was with you for 3 years. He was old enough to realise that you wanted marriage. You were honest with him. I know men like him and they are happy having a girlfriend but they have loads of excuses when a woman want to move from girlfriend to wife.

About 10 years ago one of my friends was with a man like this. She was good enough to have sex with but as she said her herself back then I was not good enough in his eyes to be the mother of his child or his wife.
He went on to meet a woman younger than my friend and within 12 months she was pregnant with his child. My friend then heard a few things about him via someone they both knew and put it this way he was not in the position my friend was lead to believe.
Even now he still has a girlfriend/partner because despite having a child with him she has still not managed to get him up the aisle.

My friend was chatting to someone that knows him recently. She found out that his life has now become very messy. My friend is now so glad she did not end up with him.
Yes it was hard when they broke up but her life is far better than his now.

My advice to you is to tell your friends what happened and get their support. I would not contact him. I know it won't be easy but I would not waste time on a looser like him. Work, save some money and do some travel. When you meet a man don't tell them that you own your apartment as you don't want to attract another potential cock lodger.

You deserve to be with someone who thinks your the best thing that happened to him not a man who sees you as a cheap place to live with sex on demand. Then if you were a really good girl he might have married you like your ex.

I have seen men like him and within a few years he will see his friends getting into serious relationships, getting married and having kids. Meanwhile he will thinking any day now some fabulous woman will come into his life. The decent woman will realise that he has nothing to offer. So he will end up either with a woman younger than him who cant see what he is like or a woman with red flags that other men avoid.

If you've been dating for 3 years he must know if you're the one or not. He's 29 not 19. I'd be telling him he wouldn't be moving in you were not sure after 3 years if you were ready to live together. Don't get pregnant. He doesn't sound very keen on you. Make him do the chasing. Be unavailable sometimes.

Well done. Reframe this in your head and be so proud of yourself. You were clear and communicated what you wanted and that exposed your now ex-boyfriend. He was prepared to use you. His reaction tells you all you need to know about how much he loves you.

You have done a fantastic job and protected your future self from wasted time, love and hurt.

And now you are free to live your life that will be open for the right person.

What an asshole.

Your friends are right.

Also it will annoy him more that you didn't.

I agree with @Bansheed and @Ihadenough22

I broke up with a guy similar to what @Chaiandtoast described at around the same age (both 29). I bought a flat FOR him us and 5 days after completing and i moved in alone 😓 it was hard.

Fast forward 6/7 years I had progressed massively in my career, just bought a family house and was engaged/getting married to my now dh. An actual adult.
My DB was friendly with my ex still and he was still living like a student in a house share with 6 people, still talking about his "dream" of moving to Canada which inhsd been holding him back from, was doing yet another degree while working part time in an American candy store ,🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I realised categorically I could not have made that relationship work. He wanted a totally different life to me. No matter what I did he was never going to be the one for me.