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Original poster

Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

204 replies

Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:13

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

OP posts:
Outthedoor24 · 08/01/2024 08:53

tinyme77 · 08/01/2024 07:33

Hardly romantic to put a deadline on an engagement. It doesn't work that way. But you can leave them or propose yourself in a year's time.

It might not be romantic, but its a way of checking your one the same page with the same goal.
At the moment his goal is not the same as the Ops. The sooner she realises that the better.

SheilaFentiman · 08/01/2024 09:27

OP

DH was ready before I was when we were both around 26/27. We lived together for 2 years before we got engaged - he proposed once in that time and I said not yet - and got married about 10 months after we did get engaged, when we were both 30.

So I have a little sympathy with him not knowing for sure his timescale. But none for the way he is talking to you. Calling you desperate! It is perfectly reasonable for either party in a relationship to have goals and ask questions about the relationship.

Hereyoume · 08/01/2024 09:35

By asking him that question, YOU have actually proposed to HIM, and by his response he has turned you down.

Doesn't that answer your question?

He doesn't want to marry you.

Sorry OP.

Don't waste another second of your life in this relationship.

Lifeinlists · 08/01/2024 09:49

He's already got more power than you but you're going to let him move in to your apartment?
Your relationship doesn't sound like one of equals now so I wouldn't bank on it improving. Move on and don't let him move in.
Oh and if you ever do get engaged to someone, choose your own ring and also make it clear the wedding plans start now.

UserM6 · 08/01/2024 09:54

Watch how quickly he wants to marry you when you are single or even better dating someone else.
You’ll be amazed.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 08/01/2024 12:26

Sorry OP, he has made it clear he has no intention of marrying you Sad

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 08/01/2024 12:45

Bollocks he's right, he's thoroughly gaslighting you. Two days after the fourth anniversary of our meeting my husband and I had our first child. It's more than enough time to know if you want to be married to somebody.

You've been right and sensible to discuss this and set a timeline that feels right for you, too many women don't. If he doesn't feel that he's the man to give you what you want/need then he can give you your freedom and allow you to find somebody who shares the same values for a life together.

Cheeky fucker, trying to make you feel like some kind of hormonal lunatic, issuing ultimatums because of your ovaries rather than being immensely sensible in thinking about these things. I'm enraged on your behalf.

Sloth66 · 08/01/2024 12:52

I think he’s after a year or so cheap rent by stringing you along.
I echo pretty well everyone else, I wouldn’t let him move in and would consider ending the relationship

CurlewKate · 08/01/2024 14:56

I tell my children that they should only form long term relationships with people who are excited and happy to be with them. Who would rather be with them than anyone else. Who would happily spend an evening watching TV or cooking with them. If they said "Fred is moving in to see whether he likes it" it would be such a red flag....

Whatonearth07957 · 08/01/2024 15:43

Don't move him in but if you do get a cohabitation agreement with rent plus 50% of bills. Bet he thinks that is pressurising and not romantic too!

GreatGateauxsby · 08/01/2024 22:00

He said if I'm not happy with that we can split, but I have to decide,it's not up to him but it's up to me.

And there you have it…. Sorry OP 💝

he is being VERY clear either you shut up and quietly plod along with the status quo and keep your fertility in limbo land or it’s over.

it might not feel like it but it’s really good this conversation has happened now.

Original poster
Stephopp · 09/01/2024 01:14

Outthedoor24 · 08/01/2024 06:24

I'm sorry Op, hope you are OK.
Plenty more fish in the sea.

He doesn't want to make the decision, what a wimp, he'd much rather string you along another year.

DH and I were in our 30s when we met, so didn't really have time to waste. We got engaged a year, married by 18mths.

Show quote history

Thank you,it's very hard. Hopefully I'll find someone 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephopp · 09/01/2024 01:19

Thank you everyone for the replies, I broke up with him and he just said okay.
I asked him why he wasn't bothered at all and he said he was but I decided and he couldn't change my mind.
I'm pretty heartbroken but I know this is for the best

He said he really wanted to stay friends

He blocked me on Instagram and Facebook immediately. And he said we could stay friends in WhatsApp if I wanted to.

Just trying to avoid messaging him now but it's hard

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 09/01/2024 01:35

RJnomore1 · 07/01/2024 01:21

Don’t move him in and get on with your life without him.

I know it sounds harsh but men who want to build a life with you don’t mess about.

This.

Do not let him move in. You will bitterly regret it if you do, mark my words.

A man who really loved you and cared about your happiness would not speak to you that way. Nor cocklodge in your apartment. He would be hustling his arse off to be worthy of being your husband.

Seriously, cancel.

coxesorangepippin · 09/01/2024 01:37

Do not message him, stay strong!

LaurieStrode · 09/01/2024 01:44

Good for you! Stay firm. What a jackass; you dodged a huge bullet.

At 26 the world is at your feet! Hold out for a man who deserves you.

Aria999 · 09/01/2024 01:45

He blocked me on Instagram and Facebook immediately. And he said we could stay friends in WhatsApp if I wanted to.

This seems a bit mind gamey.

Also it's not like he actually tried to convince you.

Just be thankful you are still young and have not squandered your chance to have babies on him (assuming you want babies, it's fine not to!)

LaurieStrode · 09/01/2024 01:45

CurlewKate · 08/01/2024 14:56

I tell my children that they should only form long term relationships with people who are excited and happy to be with them. Who would rather be with them than anyone else. Who would happily spend an evening watching TV or cooking with them. If they said "Fred is moving in to see whether he likes it" it would be such a red flag....

Well said!!

asquideatingdough · 09/01/2024 01:50

Well done, OP! Stay strong, you've done the right thing. You know what you want and he's not it. The passive aggressive way he's responded to your open and honest communication about really important things tells you he's not worth it. The right man will be over the moon at the thought of marrying you.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/01/2024 01:52

I finished a relationship when I was about 25. My boyfriend and I had been an item for about 4 years. We had both graduated, we both had our first jobs. His ideal, he told me, was for us each to have our own flat in the same city.

I didn't see the light until I'd had several people referring to my boyfriend as my fiancé and I'd had to correct them. (My mother asked 'Do you not have an understanding?') A work colleague actually said 'More than 3 years and he's not asked you to marry him? What's wrong with him?'

Reader, I married the work colleague.

Hatty65 · 09/01/2024 01:57

The fact that he wasn't bothered about you breaking up - after 3 years - and immediately blocked you after coming out with a load of shite basically demonstrates that he is a controlling prick.

FFS don't message him. It's exactly what he's expecting you to do. At the moment he's got a little sneer on his face whilst he waits for you to come crawling back, apologise, tell him that you were wrong and beg him to move in (as a cocklodger). He is utterly confident that you will do this, and he will not have to set any kind of timeline on an 'engagement'.

If you do, you'll be back posting here, aged 35 - possibly engaged, but with no sign of an actual marriage - and desperately asking people if it's too late for you to conceive.

Aria999 · 09/01/2024 01:59

WearyAuldWumman · 09/01/2024 01:52

I finished a relationship when I was about 25. My boyfriend and I had been an item for about 4 years. We had both graduated, we both had our first jobs. His ideal, he told me, was for us each to have our own flat in the same city.

I didn't see the light until I'd had several people referring to my boyfriend as my fiancé and I'd had to correct them. (My mother asked 'Do you not have an understanding?') A work colleague actually said 'More than 3 years and he's not asked you to marry him? What's wrong with him?'

Reader, I married the work colleague.

🥰🤣

Original poster
Stephopp · 09/01/2024 02:37

I really didn't expect him to be so nonchalant about us breaking up,so that hurts after 3 years

I do think he expects me to message him, because I'm always the one to message after an argument.

I always felt like he loved me, now I'm unsure.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 09/01/2024 02:56

Sending hugs as I know you can’t be having an easy night, as your world has been turned unexpectedly upside down. Take time to look after yourself.

Beseeingu · 09/01/2024 03:11

I'm sorry to hear he treated you this way, but the fact he was so blasé after 3 years and made no attempt at all to persuade you to stay, tells you his real character.

This is painful, but it will all be worth it to now be available for a man who loves you and cherishes you and is keen to move into a commitment and marriage.

Please don't tell men you meet romantically that you own your house outright at 26, you don't want to second guess if they are only with you for material reasons.
I would say exactly the same to a man in your shoes.

You are an amazing catch at a young and free 26 and financially stable. Don't sell yourself short, look for men who know how to treat you.

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