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Original poster

Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

204 replies

Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:13

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

OP posts:
myairpods · 07/01/2024 05:53

Also don't give him an ultimatum so he will cave in and later where you will regret this also. He should know by now whether he sees you in his future or not and you should know right now especially after this discussion you have had about a timeline that he isn't the right person for you. Please end it and don't let him move in. Don't waste anymore precious years with someone who doesn't see you in his future. Good luck.

PBandJ111 · 07/01/2024 06:02

Sounds like he’s not as committed as you. Living together won’t make a difference do are you an easy ride for him? I’d postpone him moving in and rethink the relationship.

MCOut · 07/01/2024 06:10

Coming up with a rough timeline is a very standard request. Him making you feel crazy about it is a red flag because it’s you that will bare all the consequences of unnecessary delay. He could have very easily engaged with you to come up with a compromise. I don’t know why in 2024 people still treating the man’s opinion, as if it’s the most important.

Zanatdy · 07/01/2024 06:13

He’s not ready, you have to accept that. It could change or maybe it won’t. He can’t tell you that right now

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 07/01/2024 06:23

Personally I'd be ending the relationship and moving on. After 3 years you know if there is a future together or not. I get his point about living together but think he is using it as a delaying tatic here. Actions speak louder than words, if he won't even contemplate getting engaged, then he does not want to marry you.

Just editing to say, do not move him in!

DeeCeeCherry · 07/01/2024 07:08

Made me feel awful, he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax

Relax in your home without him in it.

rwalker · 07/01/2024 07:14

Ultimatums can be very counterproductive
they can make you feel very pressured and a gun to your head
out of instinct you just push back against it

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 08:20

Enquiring where your relationship is going after 3 years and if you think you will want to get engaged and married is not an ultimatum; it's making sure you still have the same life goals before you move someone into your home.

Justhereforaibu1 · 07/01/2024 08:28

My now husband wouldn't give me a time line, but he did explicitly say he wanted to get married and get married to me, he just wasn't ready. We moved in together after 2 years, but didn't get engaged for another 6! Married at 31 after 10 years together now married for 11 years and still happy.

EverySporkIsSacred · 07/01/2024 08:29

If my DD told me this was her BFs attitude to her relationship I'd be giving her a gentle talking to about men who dangle commitment in front of women's faces in order to get what they want (a roof over their head and a GF who they can treat how they want - usually badly). He sounds like one of these. Is he a charmer?
He isn't treating you with respect and it all sounds very gaslighty.

MissTrip82 · 07/01/2024 08:30

He’s not wrong and neither are you, but you see living together differently. To you it’s confirming what you already know, to him it’s the next step to finding out if you’re compatible.

I wouldn’t move in with him.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 07/01/2024 08:33

He’s had plenty of time, if he hasn’t proposed he’s not going to your just convenient for him.

When men want to marry you they move fast because they don’t want another man to come along and beat them to it.

fluffygardenrugs · 07/01/2024 08:38

I have three different friends who moved in with their partners as a 'trial' before getting engaged. Two of them are still waiting (over three years later) for the dangling carrot of an engagement and the third is married - but to someone else!

I think after three years he should really know if he wants to get married or not. This whole 'let's move in and see' sounds like you're on some weird kind of probation, being assessed for suitability as a wife. That makes me really uncomfortable.

Personally I'd not do it unless there was an engagement first.

NancyJoan · 07/01/2024 08:42

You actually don’t need him to set a timeline. Set your own; if you haven’t decided to get married by the end of the year, you need to decide whether to move on.

notmorezoom · 07/01/2024 08:48

Will he be paying a market rent? I bet not....

borntobequiet · 07/01/2024 08:50

Don’t let him move in. Back off from this relationship.

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 08:53
Throw Away Dirty Work GIF by MOODMAN

In the bin.

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 08:56

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to establish yourself independently and not hang on waiting for a man to "make up his mind"

Only let him move in if the financial arrangements are cast iron-and even if they are be incredibly wary.

You're still very young.

Lampan · 07/01/2024 08:59

Have you posted about him before? If it wasn’t you, there was a very very similar thread recently, even down to the ‘your turn next’ comments. On that thread, the OP was resoundingly told to not let him move in, and to end the relationship.

Beamur · 07/01/2024 09:02

You're not crazy.
I think he's not the one.

harerunner · 07/01/2024 09:03

If he is unsure about after 3 years, and thinks he'll still be unsure after another year, I'm sorry, but he's not that in to you.

Beware a sudden proposal if he thinks you're about to ditch him... As given the circumstances that proposal would be to buy time... And you'll likely be posting on here in a couple of years saying "we've been together for 5 years and engaged for 2, but still don't have a date for the wedding!"

BlouseyBrownMalone · 07/01/2024 09:04

It I was moving in with my girlfriend of three years and she said she thought she would like to be engaged in the next year I'd be excited and pleased that we were going to be living together and that one day we would be getting married.

I'd be looking forward. Not thinking 'what if when I move in it's awful and I want to split up with her'.

After three years surely he has a good idea what you are going to be like to live with.

Who moves in with a person they have been with for three years with the thought that it might be a disaster?

MindHowYouGoes · 07/01/2024 09:06

He doesn’t want to marry you but he wants an easy life - so he will move in and see how he feels about marriage and kids from one year to the next but it will never be the answer you want.

Hes hedging his bets and is too much of a coward to tell the truth. Get rid of him and put your efforts into a new relationship with someone who does want you.

and to be clear it’s not because of him not proposing to you now it’s his attitude to the whole conversation

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 07/01/2024 09:09

Don't let him move in.
Him moving into your home sounds like a marvelous idea from his side.
It'll cost him less, you'll probably end up looking after him, sex on tap etc.
What do you get out of it?
He's already told you upfront and direct that he's not prepared to meet your wants or needs (getting engaged).
At 29 and after three years together he should know what he wants but he wants to do is wait and see how you get on living together????
What are you, a new car that he needs to test drive?
Trust me, if you let him move in you'll probably never get engaged, there'll always be another excuse.
Why would he move your relationship on when he's got what he wants?
I was engaged to my exp, he moved in then dangled the marriage card like he was a prize that I had to win.
15 years later we broke up, mainly due to the marriage issue, one year on he's still living in my house in my spare room, trust me it's not easy to get them out once they're in.
I've basically wasted 15 yrs of my life, I could have met and married someone else who actually loved and valued me, what an absolute waste of my life.
Please don't let him move in, know your worth 💕

thinktwice36 · 07/01/2024 09:09

Once he has moved in that decision will get kicked down the road. Think twice x