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Original poster

Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

204 replies

Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:13

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 07/01/2024 10:17

I think a year is about the right length of time.

So I didn't have much sympathy for his position in the first place, but as you are both young and this is a biggie, I could (just about) see where he was coming from.

But then you said he was banging on about the time it might take to find a ring. That's a straight up evasion. Very bad sign.

I'd reconsider your future with him completely. And be thoroughly diligent about contraception whilst doing so.

perfectcolourfound · 07/01/2024 10:17

... by the way, in my post above, Im not suggesting waiting another year for him. I think the future faking and telling you you're unreasonable are enough to get rid of him now.

UserM6 · 07/01/2024 10:33

AnnaMagnani · 07/01/2024 09:57

@Ilovegoldies I did one better than not living together before we were married and we actually didn't live together until 2 years after we were married.

Was a bit of a shock when he did move in but both of us were completely committed by that stage so worked on it.

Did I learn anything when he moved in that I didn't know from the first weekend he stayed over when we were dating? No not really, the signs were all there.

I already knew he couldn't cook, had a tendency to hoarding and thought the fairies did the cleaning. So honestly while it was more annoying living with it every day, it wasn't new information.

I did also know he was kind, supportive, good with money, committed for the long term and we had loads in common. Again, I knew all of this after about week 2, it didn't need him moving in.

Good post.

I agree that all the "living together" tests are a bit of a red herring. Getting married isn't an exact science in compatibility. You need to adapt and change multiple times over the years.
The fact he can live with you for one year means nothing in the context of living with you with babies, with a job move, with a sick parent or any of the other scenarios life throws.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/01/2024 10:37

You've posted this before I think?

My advice now is the same as then - he doesn't want to marry you, do not let him move in.

FairyWren7 · 07/01/2024 11:06

I very rarely post but I’m going to echo what everyone else is saying.

26 is very young, you are astute, you own your own property and I’m assuming have a decent job and are attractive.

You deserve someone who values you! It takes a while to find the right one. When you do you will know it. It’s not this one.

Do not be pressured into settling or feeling as if you have to make it work. Have fun, get out there, travel, dance, follow your dreams and think very carefully about what you want your life partner to be like.

He will know he is lucky to have you and will have your back come rain or shine. :)

Prelapsarianhag · 07/01/2024 11:12

He has been future faking and has now shown you his real intentions. He is planning on a bit of cocklodging at your expense.

kirinm · 07/01/2024 13:00

I find the timeline thing really odd but I am also not particularly bothered about getting married. I wouldn't want a deadline set for me.

Loulou560 · 07/01/2024 15:10

You’ve done nothing wrong. Three years in, he should have a good idea, and another year is plenty of time IMO. I wish I had done this, along with many others on here. Good luck!

Manyandyoucanwalkover · 07/01/2024 15:13

RJnomore1 · 07/01/2024 01:21

Don’t move him in and get on with your life without him.

I know it sounds harsh but men who want to build a life with you don’t mess about.

I agree with this. It’s not all about him.

FloofCloud · 07/01/2024 15:24

If there's no commitment then he'd be on a lodgers contract in my home. He can pay rent to you as LL so you can pay off your mortgage or save it. If you decide to marry things get amalgamated
I agree you should live with someone before a big commitment like marriage, just plan well and do t allow a situation where youre losing out on financially speaking and he's gaining

Beseeingu · 07/01/2024 16:25

@kirinm it doesn't matter what you want, its what the OP wants. That's fine if you're not bothered about marriage but for those people who want to be married it's completely reasonable to make sure they are on the same page as their partner and not wasting their time with someone who either doesn't want to marry them or has no interest in marriage.

myairpods · 07/01/2024 17:49

FairyWren7 · 07/01/2024 11:06

I very rarely post but I’m going to echo what everyone else is saying.

26 is very young, you are astute, you own your own property and I’m assuming have a decent job and are attractive.

You deserve someone who values you! It takes a while to find the right one. When you do you will know it. It’s not this one.

Do not be pressured into settling or feeling as if you have to make it work. Have fun, get out there, travel, dance, follow your dreams and think very carefully about what you want your life partner to be like.

He will know he is lucky to have you and will have your back come rain or shine. :)

I also want to add to your lovely comment and say to the op not to put pressure on herself just because other people are getting engaged and settling down around her. Their timeline isn't yours. You should settle down with someone who is on the same page as you. First thing first though, get rid of this potential cocklodger. You've wasted 3 years already and don't further invest in someone who keeps changing the goal post.

Meadowy · 07/01/2024 18:01

He thinks he is the prize (saying you might be next). But actually you are the prize and deserve to be with someone who feels lucky to have you, not someone who calls you crazy and makes you feel bad. If he does move in make sure he signs something that ensures he has no claim on your home - and if he objects that’s another bad sign.

harerunner · 07/01/2024 20:29

Polis · 07/01/2024 10:03

Finally I would say if you do get engaged within the year then there may also be the challenge of getting him to commit to actually getting married.

Isn’t that what an engagement is? With no commitment or intent to marry, there is no engagement.

You'd think so, but lots of people see it as some kind of staging post they need to spend a few years in, and then they plan a wedding for a further 2 year hence!

WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 07/01/2024 20:37

Haven't rtft but if he wanted to marry you you'd know about it.
He's wasting your time don't let him move in.
Men make their intentions clear when they're serious about someone.

WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 07/01/2024 20:40

Prelapsarianhag · 07/01/2024 11:12

He has been future faking and has now shown you his real intentions. He is planning on a bit of cocklodging at your expense.

This. He's mugging you off

Rainsdropskeepfalling · 07/01/2024 20:54

Only you know what the gut feeling is here
Personally I don't think rushing into anything is wise, but I "dated" DH for 12-13 years before we got engaged (I can't remember which year we got engaged, we worked abroad before then), then another couple of years before we got married and we had DS1 when were 35.

autienotnaughty · 07/01/2024 21:51

So he wants to move into your house but doesn't want to commit to you or have a plan of commitment. So he wants it all on his terms.

This would put me off moving in and I would be considering if the relationship is going to work long term

FinallyHere · 07/01/2024 23:32

it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

This is very useful information for you to know about him. It tells you two v v important things

  1. He is not the one for you
  1. Do not let him live in with you.

Sorry, it's much better to know.

When the right one comes along, he will be very keen to get married and you will decide together. It's not a prize he should dangle in front of you.

Original poster
Stephopp · 07/01/2024 23:53

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2024 03:12

You've been together for three years, if he isn't sure he wants to marry you by now, that means he doesn't.

Don't be foolish enough to let him move in. It's time to move on, I'm afraid.

I think everyone is right about moving on, but it's just very hard. After 3 years together, Him always being very loving and a good boyfriend. He made it seem as If he definitely saw us getting married eventually, until I started to talk about it seriously and wanting a bit more commitment

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephopp · 08/01/2024 00:02

ChittaChatta · 07/01/2024 09:36

^^ think carefully
He's happy for him to get what he wants but no guarantees for you.

Show quote history

I did say to him,you get to live in my home very cheaply. But I get no guarantee on anything and he just said well there is never any guarantee in a relationship you just have to trust me that I want to marry you eventually if things go well living together

OP posts:
Shodan · 08/01/2024 00:19

There really isn't any need to have him move into your home, OP. You could spend half a week at his home and half at yours, or weekdays at yours and weekends at his, or any other combination.

I suggest you tell him that the conversation has thrown you and you are now unsure as to how long it will take you to feel secure enough about your joint future plans to move in together.

But, ultimately, I'm afraid PPs are right. If he wanted to marry you, you would know it by now- it would be very clear.

BarryK3nt · 08/01/2024 00:26

You should read waiting to wed on Reddit. Do not allow him to move in with you and give him the wife life without a ring and a wedding date.

Original poster
Stephopp · 08/01/2024 00:55

I told him tonight that if we moved in together then I would definitely want to have some sort of Idea by next Jan if he planned to marry me.

He still stuck to the same answer, impossible to know, he needs time to decide and he cannot put a time on how long.

He said if I'm not happy with that we can split, but I have to decide,it's not up to him but it's up to me.

So it looks like I'm going to be single

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2024 01:03

Stephopp · 08/01/2024 00:55

I told him tonight that if we moved in together then I would definitely want to have some sort of Idea by next Jan if he planned to marry me.

He still stuck to the same answer, impossible to know, he needs time to decide and he cannot put a time on how long.

He said if I'm not happy with that we can split, but I have to decide,it's not up to him but it's up to me.

So it looks like I'm going to be single

His response tells you everything you need to know.

He knows full well he won't marry you.
.

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