Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

[Stephopp]

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

I definitely don't like that rather than take responsibility for the fact that he doesn't want to be married he makes out you are wrong in some way.

It's fine if he doesn't want marriage; but you do.

He wants to move in because it's a win-win for him while you get no advantages and instead will find it very difficult to get him out.

If you want to be married, moving in should be a direct precursor to marriage.

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide

Oh but he's not feeling 'pressured' about cosily moving into your place?

Take the pressure off him by not having him move in with you. He can stay where he is. 3 years and he's fussing about engagement? You're too young to put up with this bullshit and you'll be on a hiding to nothing if you let his timeline dictate your life. You want marriage well then, aim to meet someone who will be happy to marry you.

I think he's shown himself for who he is. Don’t let him move in. Throw this one back. Better that than being further gaslighted until you're 35 and running low on options. Any relationship will take years of effort. If this one is still messing around at this point not making it clear where it's leading, you've still got plenty of time to go back to the drawing board and find someone far better. They think it's all fun and games with their fertility, they can't begin to understand that there are limits for women and what a severe impact it would take on a woman's life and career also.
Do not let him make you feel foolish for planning ahead. You're absolutely right.

I wouldn't want to live with someone who made me feel crazy and desperate for wanting sensible reassurance.

He should have said 'I think we should get engaged soon and if this year living together goes well then let's start planning th wedding this time next year'. Or at the very least 'If living together goes well, let's get engaged this time next year and start planning the wedding'.

I'm sorry but...I don't think he's all that into you. And either way, hes disrespectful. Anyone that said to me what he said to you would be dumped ASAP.

So true @DeeCeeCherry .

Please kick this man to the curb @Stephopp. You have so much to offer - including a paid off apartment which you definitely shouldn't mention to any man you are dating for as long as possible. You don't want someone choosing to be with you for free housing.

Engagements aren't a legal contract to commit to marriage. What if he proposes and then um's and ah's over when to get married? It could drag on for years.
In your situation I think I'd state that he's obviously unsure and at this stage it wouldn't be right to move in. Either he loves you and wants to get married and have kids or he doesn't. I get that you don't really know someone until you live together but you have so much to lose, being a home owner and tbh, that makes you vunerable. If you don't get your proposal/marriage, would you kick him out or be unhappy ever after?

Personally I'd want to live with someone before making such a big commitment.

You'll find out what he's really like, does he share housework, is he tidy, is he kind and supportive, does he have any infuriating habits, do you both have the same rhythm for life.

I couldn't commit to someone without that because there could be an unknown deal breaker in there that I was unaware of. I'd live together for a year and then look for commitment.

And you are only 26. You have a decade before you need to worry.

We already know he's not kind and supportive.

Bin him.

Most women don't want to wait until 36 to get married and have children. It's a very risky strategy for a start.

You've been together for three years, if he isn't sure he wants to marry you by now, that means he doesn't.

Don't be foolish enough to let him move in. It's time to move on, I'm afraid.

I'd tell him you have reconsidered moving in together. After 3 years if he is still undecided on whether he wants a life with you, then there's really no future. He sounds like he's hedging his bets. Not keen enough on you to marry you, but you'll do until someone better comes along. When they do he'll tell you he "loves you but he's not in love with you". He's tried. He spent years with you waiting to "fall in love", but it's not to be. Then he'll be shacking up with her and getting married in under 12 months as she's "the one". Seen it repeated too many times.

If he does move in, charge him rent and 50% of utilities. Don't let him save up so you can get a house together. That will mean you having little money and savings while he builds a comfortable nest egg and no doubt does little around housework etc...

Don't let him quickly row back @Stephopp he has unintentionally showed his hand and I wouldn't believe him if he suddenly made promises. You just don't want a guy who is lukewarm about commitment and only half-heartedly "commits" under duress.

Wow owning your own home is a big achievement at your age. I was still paying mortgage on mine until l was 52..so make sure you keep it in your name . I think he wants to see how it goes... dividing bills/ chores/ cooking etc.. to see if its in his best interest first.. give him a 6 month timeline..if no ring.. no sponging.

OP, you're in a good position, having your own place. If you let him live there, it won't feel like 'yours'.
If this man wanted to marry you he would have said so by now.
He's stringing you along because it's convenient for him.
Move on.

If you want to be married only let a man move in when you are engaged and getting married in less than a year.

I really disagree with that. I’d never agree to be engaged to someone without living with them first. As my grandmother always said, you don’t truly know someone until you’ve lived with them.

My now husband moved into my flat (owned by me) after just over a year and we lived together for 2 years until we got engaged. We got married 8 months later. That was fine, and I needed to know living together would work out. We got together when I was 30.

That said, he never messed me around in any way and I always got the vibe from him that he was committed and reliable.

Move on!

This. You've done the correct thing

Do you remember the book He's Just Not That Into You? It was telling the truth. Men put the time and effort in when they see a future with you. You are wasting time here OP, and you are at risk of being in the same position years down the road, or winding up with a baby and still no marriage / legal protection. We see these situations on MN all the time. Move on to someone who does want to marry you while you're still young!

I'm probably one of the few who didn't live with their husband before marriage. I don't agree that you don't truly know someone.. I could gauge he was tidy, clean and self sufficient.
OP be careful you don't end up with a 'shut up' ring with no wedding on the horizon.
I know it's a cliche but when you know, you know.. he knows he doesn't want to marry you.

I was with my ex-partner for over 25 years. He finally proposed after .. I think... 18 years. He told me a couple of years later he didn't want to get married and I blundered on for some considerable time before we split up.

Do you want this for yourself?

Don't waste time on this man. You seem pretty clear on what you are after, and it isn't what he wants.

Ilovegoldies
I'm probably one of the few who didn't live with their husband before marriage. I don't agree that you don't truly know someone.. I could gauge he was tidy, clean and self sufficient

Good for you. Visit him see if he's clean and tidy, hygienic, efficient, good at maintaining home, and good with his money. Stay over sometimes. & vice versa. & have a timeline. Living with a man first is not the only way.

Too often a woman moves in, playing house at being 'The Wife', man gets comfortable no longer wants marriage. But she does. Next thing a baby comes along they either stay together unmarried, or eventually somewhere along the line he leaves and marries someone else. Everything on his terms. With women encouraged to do this trial period as if its a failsafe. Nothing is.

A man either sees you as his wife and future, or he doesn't. But personally I'd rather not play house and possibly end up living on a promise. Better to nor be in the house if its going to go that way and if you take your time you can gauge enough

How many times do we see these stories on MN? & in real life

It shouldn't be this hard op.
He shouldn't be making you feel crazy
Some of the things he's said to you aren't nice (calling you desperate)

I agree with all of this.

He’s communicating about it in a way to put you down.

Making sly jokes about “it will be you next” and then telling you you’re stupid for believing him is nasty. You don’t mess about with people’s hearts like this.

He being vague about intentions, leading you on with fake promises and is being nasty about it when you try to discuss it. Don’t move in with him.

I think you’re right. If it’s been three years and he doesn’t know what is it he is waiting for? The ring is an excuse, you can know if you want to be with someone regardless of having a ring or not

When a man wants you and sees you in their future, they will move fast. I was in a similar relationship for 2 years and eventually ended it for the same reasons you are having right now I was hitting my 30s then. A year later I met my now DH and now we have been happily married for 6 years now and have one dc and second on the way and looking back I can't believe I wasted my time with the wrong person trying to make it the right person. My now DH proposed within one year of being together and we got married in just over a year after the proposal.

Do not let him move in with you. He has been with you for 3 years. A engagement isn't a death sentence. You can still be engaged and figure out living together to see if things work out or not. He is dangling the carrot.