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Original poster

Am I wrong? Wanting a timeline for engagement?

204 replies

Stephopp · 07/01/2024 01:13

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years.
He is about to move in with me into my apartment (that I own)
A few days ago I mentioned getting engaged, I said to him that by this time next year I would like a decision on if he saw us getting married or not, as he had said recently he wasn't sure if he did until we lived together.

I thought that a year living together would be a fair time to decide either way. As I'm 26 and he is 29 and we have both said we want kids

He was really upset that I put a timeline on it and said I was putting a massive amount of pressure on him. That maybe he couldn't get a ring in that time and it's impossible to know how long it will take him to decide.

Made me feel awful,he said I'm desperate because of my age and I need to relax.

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged.
He even said before that we could be engaged within a year, but when I mentioned that he said i took it too literally and he didn't mean exactly a year.

I asked him if he could give me a vague timeline and he said it's silly to do that because it's impossible for him to know how long it will take.
He needs to see what it's like living together and then he'll decide

He made me seem really crazy and desperate for asking, I didn't think so at first but after every he's said maybe he is right and I need to calm down about it?
Am I wrong for wanting a vague timeline at least?

OP posts:
Suchapain · 08/01/2024 01:10

The thing is, marriage is the important thing, not engagement. I wouldn't be surprised if (because he's at risk of losing his cheap accommodation with you) he agrees to get engaged but then keeps saying he's not ready to get married. How long would you wait then?

Supersimkin2 · 08/01/2024 01:11

Cohab is a sensible step, but he’s out or he’s proposed in 12 months. Really.

OP, stick to this. Too often women get led up the garden path via a ‘trial’ that only benefits the man. How much do you love him?

Beseeingu · 08/01/2024 01:12

Sorry @Stephopp I am sure it's devastating but this man is not for you. You should break up, he doesn't want to make the commitment you need, yet is happy to move in with you and very likely take advantage of the fact that your house is paid off so financially exploit you.

Please call it a day and leave this man, he doesn't care about you.

Beseeingu · 08/01/2024 01:13

Do NOT move this man into your house, he's already told you very clearly he isn't even thinking about getting married to you.

Aria999 · 08/01/2024 01:13

Sounds like you need to split.

Effectively you have asked him to marry you, he has said no, and you're not comfortable continuing on a casual basis.

Opentooffers · 08/01/2024 01:24

You've got a commitmentphobe . Taking 3 years to move in already suggests that, and approaching 30 and balking at the thought of marriage.
Also, what are his circumstances? Is he right for you anyway? Usually, you either move in and joint rent or buy a place together. If you married you'd be handing half your assets to him, so does he have assets to share, or are you the only provider of them? Does he currently rent or live with his parents? Has he volunteered to pay half the mortgage and bills once he moves in?

RantyAnty · 08/01/2024 01:58

I'm curious where he is living now?

DPotter · 08/01/2024 03:04

The thing Is before he has always seemed to be really keen on getting engaged, saying it would be my turn soon whenever friends got engaged

To my mind the only person who has permission to say - "It will be your turn soon" when your friends get engaged is your Gran. For your BF to say this is cheap, tacky and actually cruel.

For this reason alone I would be ditching him. To coin another phrase - he does not have honourable intentions.

Beseeingu · 08/01/2024 03:41

It really doesn't matter what he said once or twice, he hasn't given you a ring and set a date and he has told you he needs yet another year to decide if you're up to whatever standards he claims you still need to meet. Why waste your time?

You are operating out of the Sunken Cost Fallacy "I have given him 3 years of my life, SURELY in another year he will want to marry me!"

Nope.

Popcorn23 · 08/01/2024 03:55

You need to decide what YOU want. If you want to be married and have children, find someone who feels the same rather than staying with someone so hesitant to commit to you.

Three years should have been long enough for him to decide how he feels.

myairpods · 08/01/2024 05:30

@Stephopp he really has told you his intentions. No one should ever be put on a trial to see if they are worthy enough to be married to. 3 years is enough time for someone to see if you are in their future or not. Being single is better than being with someone who is not on the same page as you in terms of marriage who keeps changing the goal posts because this will cause you resentment. It will suck the soul out of you. I know a couple of people in my family who have spent years together waiting for the partner to be ready, to be 100% sure only to split in their late 30s after an ultimatum.

You don't need to prove yourself by living with him put on a test trial to see if you will change his mind. I also don't agree with you have to live together to know certain, plenty of people especially across the world including myself never moved in and still got married and are happily married. We were working in different cities and stayed at each others over the weekends, went on holidays together, spent time with each other getting to know family and friends from both sides and then started planning a future together looking at the pros and cons in which city to move in to set up a new life. When we were dating, my DH even got his drivers licence and a car so he can drive out to see me despite living in London where he didn't need to. What I'm trying to say is getting married isn't that hard when you find the right person for you who wants the same things as you, it's hard when the person isn't the right person for you and doesn't want the same things. You are still very young and you have years ahead of you to find that right person but you won't find that right person if you're tied down with your current bf who is clearly wasting your time. Cut your losses, thank your lucky stars and start fresh.

Cherry35 · 08/01/2024 05:58

After 3 years in your late 20's is more than enough time to know if he wants to get married.

As others have said, it feels that moving in with you is to test you as in "your performance". When you love someone and want to get married, you have no doubts and know straight away. He can't even give you a vague timeline. It was actually cruel of him to be telling "you're next" on engagement when he had no plans on proposing.

Don't move him in, dump him and move on. You're still young and can find someone who truly loves you and wants to marry you.

JubileeJumps · 08/01/2024 06:02

Sorry but it does seem a bit desperate.
Nothing is more romantic or sexy as a timeline.

Outthedoor24 · 08/01/2024 06:24

Stephopp · 08/01/2024 00:55

I told him tonight that if we moved in together then I would definitely want to have some sort of Idea by next Jan if he planned to marry me.

He still stuck to the same answer, impossible to know, he needs time to decide and he cannot put a time on how long.

He said if I'm not happy with that we can split, but I have to decide,it's not up to him but it's up to me.

So it looks like I'm going to be single

I'm sorry Op, hope you are OK.
Plenty more fish in the sea.

He doesn't want to make the decision, what a wimp, he'd much rather string you along another year.

DH and I were in our 30s when we met, so didn't really have time to waste. We got engaged a year, married by 18mths.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 08/01/2024 06:37

He knows your not the one and it’s better to be single on your own terms than be dumped when his ideal woman comes along.

Footle · 08/01/2024 06:42

He said 'it will be your turn next'. Not 'our turn'.

Richie23 · 08/01/2024 06:58

I promise you, the right person will not make you doubt their desire for a future with you.

Maray1967 · 08/01/2024 07:00

Outthedoor24 · 07/01/2024 02:27

Op I'd say no to him moving in. Zero benefit to you and a PITA to get him back out.
Hes had 3 years to get a ring on your finger, if he was keen he'd have done it by now, he's stringing you along.

This. He wants everything to suit him and he is certainly old enough to commit. DH and I were living together at 25 and engaged very quickly afterwards, and married at 28. In our case it was prioritising finding somewhere to live that caused a delay. Most of our uni friends were in a similar situation and done were married at 25/26.

Calling me desperate would be the end, I’m afraid.

Oblomov23 · 08/01/2024 07:10

You already know the answer to this. You just refuse to accept it. Why? He sounds like an absolute flake, and a user. It's not hard to commit, if you meet someone who is on the same page/singing from the same hymn-sheet as you! Don't let him move in, don't waste your time.

Riverlee · 08/01/2024 07:25

Stephopp · 08/01/2024 00:55

I told him tonight that if we moved in together then I would definitely want to have some sort of Idea by next Jan if he planned to marry me.

He still stuck to the same answer, impossible to know, he needs time to decide and he cannot put a time on how long.

He said if I'm not happy with that we can split, but I have to decide,it's not up to him but it's up to me.

So it looks like I'm going to be single

Sorry. Doesn’t exactly look committed.

Isn’t there a saying, you’re the right one, for now.

I think after three year years he should know whether he wants to get engaged - a lot of people meet, date, get engaged and marry within that time periods.

You're still young. Ditch this one and start again, how ever hard that may be. Better to do that now, rather than get to 30 and still be having this conversation.

Is thus going to be one of those situations when dp finds someone new, dates and marries within 18 months (partly because he’s now approaching 30).

tinyme77 · 08/01/2024 07:33

Hardly romantic to put a deadline on an engagement. It doesn't work that way. But you can leave them or propose yourself in a year's time.

Ginandpanic · 08/01/2024 07:48

Op please dont fall for this. He’s hoping by saying well we can split you’ll back off and stfu. Don’t do that. You’re worth more than this .
At the very least tell him you need some time to think things over. See how he responds to that. But really, it’s time to move on.

HowAmYa · 08/01/2024 07:52

Unless he thinks you want a ring that's tens of thousands, he's making excuses.
You can buy lab grown diamonds for less than half the price of a mined one and if you shop around, most places do finance etc. But he would know this if he had an interest...
Yes living together first is paramount but the fact that he's almost refusing to acknowledge that this is the direction its moving is very telling.
The thing is all you're asking for is a the security that after a year or so you'll be en route to engaged/wedding plans and the reassurance that in a years time you won't be sat living with someone who doesn't want to marry you.

I dont get what his issue really is. There's absolutely nothing wrong in 'let's move in, and then in a year or so get engaged and then maybe start look at wedding/family planning in xyz years'.

borntobequiet · 08/01/2024 07:54

Stephopp · 08/01/2024 00:55

I told him tonight that if we moved in together then I would definitely want to have some sort of Idea by next Jan if he planned to marry me.

He still stuck to the same answer, impossible to know, he needs time to decide and he cannot put a time on how long.

He said if I'm not happy with that we can split, but I have to decide,it's not up to him but it's up to me.

So it looks like I'm going to be single

The more you say about him the more it becomes clear that you need to finish it sooner rather than later, preferably today.

Lampan · 08/01/2024 08:45

Don’t let the threat of being single make you cling onto him and go back on your word. It very clear he has absolutely no intention of proposing (if he was open to it he’d at least indicate that he’s likely to go along with your ‘timeline’)
Besides I completely agree with PPs who point out that since you own the property, you could seriously lose out if you marry him.
If the previous thread I’m thinking about was you, isn’t he a student? Who isn’t very nice to you anyway?