Not heard from him over Christmas. Am I a thing of convenience?

[dontcook]

I've been going on dates with a man and we've been communicating a lot - daily texts throughout the days in between dates.
He planned to spend Christmas at his parents while I am spending Christmas on my own.
Since he got to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, he has gone silent.
He hasn't been texting me and I have also given him space except one text which I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas!

My mind is telling me that this is not a good sign as it feels the daily communication was happening because it was convenient for him not because he wants to feel connected to me, but I'm being cautious not to overthink it.
Christmas is a special time and the least people do is to let loved ones know they're in their thoughts even they are not together. I would have appreciated a text.

YABU He should not communicate at all since it is Christmas and he is with his family. He needs his time and space.

YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag.

@dontcook all power to you, you live your life to your own values, never compromise on what you need and you can't go wrong!

In these situations I go by the maxim:

It doesn't matter what a person says
it doesn't matter what a person does
but it matters how they make you feel.

This man didn't set your world on fire, and he showed you how little you actually matter to him. If all he did was to send you a short sweet Christmas Day text or WhatsApp saying "Enjoy the day, looking forward to seeing you again and I'll give you a call on xxx day, it's a bit full-on here!" it would have made a world of difference. He left you in limbo.

His loss.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's you, not them. No one should demand thoughtfulness and kindness from someone they give that to. It should just be reciprocated.
I don't believe in teaching a grown man how to date. I've been there done that. It doesn't work and they may end up labelling you as controlling.
I hope you had a better Christmas this year. x

You're right!!!
He has a no-gift-exchange policy for adults. So, we didn't exchange mere cards.
I however told him that for years, I'd told people that these things didn't matter to me but deep down they actually do, so I'm now walking in my truth and I exchange gifts with a few good friends and celebrate the little things. Thinking about it now, he never responded. Just changed the subject.

That was a NC fail. Still me.

He didn't even get you a card... Or a gift...
Knew you were alone on Xmas and didn't call, text or visit... Didn't plan to see you on boxing day or even today..

I would be sending a very pleasant and polite "get fucked" text.

"Hi, cock head, not hearing from you with such volume has given me time to consider if I want to see or hear from you again. I don't. Go Well.. Go.. Well.."

@dontcook Hold on to your standards. When you meet someone who cares and wants you to know, they show it in every way they can. I met a guy in mid September and he told me he was going on a big trip (think 2-3 months) in mid November so I initially dismissed him as a potential, thinking two months is no time to build anything solid to survive the trip.

My birthday was mid October (I was actually away on my actual birthday) and he surprised me by asking to take me out on my return. And he took me to a nice restaurant. And we got closer. By the time he left in mid November, we both liked each other enough to say we are not dating anyone else but we were both sensible in knowing that we probably needed more time to decide if this was going to be more serious. Other than the first week when he did not have roaming (think developing countries but he still messaged whenever he had wifi), he has been in touch consistently. I made it clear to him that because he was travelling around a lot (not just staying in one spot), I didn't need him to be on touch all the time but it would be nice for him to let me know how he's doing.

On Christmas Day, I sent him a message to say Merry Christmas and a photo of a few gifts I had gotten him under the tree. He messaged back to say the same and asked to speak to me later that day. And we had a lovely video chat in the evening. He is returning in a few weeks and I will be meeting him at the airport. I'm not naive and I still think lots could have happened on his trip. But I think we are both hopeful now we have something to build on when he returns. Our communication throughout the relationship has not made me feel the least bit anxious and that's the way it should be! I have also dated lots and have lots of people made me feel shit while dating them and NEVER AGAIN.

I find it amazing how many women on here think its completely fine to be ignored and forgotten by their "dates" for days, even weeks on end. And are quite happy to do it themselves, too. I mean, its fine if its FWB - you see someone occasionally but hardly communicate in between your meetings - but I assume people like OP are dating with the prospect of being in a serious relationship, so why such low standard? You need to be shown a consistent level of interest, it shouldn't pewter out or go up and down, and if it was a lot of texts for weeks and then no response I would be asking questions, too.

If anything, it shows that it takes very little for this guy to completely forget about OP as soon as some "fun" appears on the scene, he did not even respond to her texts asking him how he was - which, if anything, is quite rude.

I totally get it - he may have been busy, there could have been bad signal where he was, a lot of reasons - but he could have told you what is going on or at least could have asked you how your Christmas was when he was back. Messaging something like "sorry, really busy with the family, shit signal here, will chat when I'm back" would not have kill him. Also, when he got back, did he ask her how her Christmas was? Did he even say - "sorry, I was so busy, I ignored you, are you ok?" I imagine myself in this situation - someone I know, a friend (not even a date) is alone at Christmas - I would definitely not ignore them and would check with them to see how they are. And this is not a friend, this is someone you say you care about!!

OP, this guy is showing you where you are on his list of priorities. I doubt its games or anything malicious but if someone was really "into you" they would not do that - and he comes across as emotionally immature and selfish. I would also find his desire for constant texts when its suited him very annoying. I actually think you should have not accepted that. Your communication should have not been 100% by text, you are not teenagers.

Throw him back in and find another, a bit more emotionally mature one.

Exactly that! If someone likes you and feels like there is a potential for something more they would not risk it by being inconsistent and making you feel anxious, or worse - making you quit.

Good luck to you @TwoBoysTooMany76 , reading your message gave me a warm fuzzy glow )))

So true. Apparently they feel that after 2 months, the op hasn’t been dating him long enough for op to expect regular communication. Two months at one date per week is 8 dates. I feel 8 dates is quite a lot and by that time they have gotten to know each other and things should be getting more serious. Op has invested a lot of time into this man for it to have lasted 2 months. I just find it strange how he thinks it’s ok to be a complete ignorant twat over Xmas knowing she is on her own. Even worse is that fact he ignored op’s first message and then the dismissive, lack of effort, two word “merry Christmas” in response to a thoughtful message she sent him.

Some people must have really low standards if they think such shitty behaviour after 2 months of dating is completely acceptable!

I have dumped someone for treating me in a similar way and I’d been dating him a lot less than 2 months at that point. The reason - he ignored my message I sent him the day before he went on holiday, never replied to me when he got there but then he messaged me out of the blue a few days later to tell me how nice the weather was and to talk about himself, never asked about me or how I was and then claimed he didn’t message me before due to his roaming settings and he hadn’t got a signal… he had somehow, however, managed to log on to the dating site I’d met him on (despite him claiming he was only dating me and wasn’t chatting to anyone else on dating apps). So he obviously did have a signal and roaming was fine!

We only tolerate what we are willing to accept. The more we tolerate the more we will end up in shitty relationships and being put on the back burner when something better arrives.

Thank you @localnotail . I am secretly hopeful and optimistic and keeping my fingers and toes crossed for this one. After 10 years of being a single parent and quite a lot of fun and also sometimes shitty dating, I think that has really changed for me this last year is me focusing on building connections and friendships outside of the romantic sphere and focusing on doing things I love instead of being a people pleaser and doing things other people wanted. But no matter how strong you feel, heartbreak always hurts so @dontcook, I know how you feel and please soldier on! 💪🏻

Apparently they feel that after 2 months, the op hasn’t been dating him long enough for op to expect regular communication

Yes, @littlebopeepp234 , and also that there is a certain level of communication that we're all entitled to 'expect'.

Some couples are barely in touch between dates. Some couples are in touch every 5 minutes. It's not about his level of interest being 'right' or 'wrong' according to some external metric, it's about whether it is right or wrong for OP. And she's not happy with it. Anybody who thinks it's ok to correct someone on their own preferences needs to look at their own boundaries. If he doesn't want to be in touch, that's fine, but it doesn't suit OP.

I'm in a similar situation to you. It's hard not to feel offended at times but he works as a manager in a very busy fast food outlet. When I am busy myself a couple of days literally just flies by!

I know it doesn’t suit op, and as she has already stated, she isn’t willing to tolerate it! My point is that many people are saying it’s not a big deal because they have only been dating for 2 months. Fair enough if they don’t feel that after 2 months of dating that they don’t feel someone is important enough to bother with. Op is entitled to feel how she feels and if she feels upset then that’s how she feels.

It’s all very well people saying she shouldn’t be expecting regular commutation after only 2 months but they shouldnt be expecting op not to feel hurt.

if certain people have never been communicative in between dates and throughout the whole of their dating stages, fair enough - there isn’t the expectation for them to be communicative, But when a guy is very communicative in the early stages then seems to drop off the face of the earth and puts you on the back burner, especially at Xmas when they know you are in your own it’s not unnatural to be like ‘wtf’. My point was that other people seem to have the expectation that op shouldn’t expect much at all after dating for 2 months. I feel 2 months is a considerable amount of time, especially when someone has set the expectation of regular communication. If he wasn’t a great communicator from the start then I’d be saying different. So whilst there may not be any right or wrong with how often people choose to communicate, I find it very wrong for someone to be absolutely full on in the early stages and then start to withdraw communication and only respond with “‘Merry Christmas” after firstly ignoring someone’s initial message to check if they have arrived ok and then a complete lack of effort in replying to their second one after they were asked how it was going! Random ghosting and passive aggressive, lack of effort replies when previously a great communicator borders on emotional abuse, not someone anyone should tolerate.

It's rediculous, teenages don't act like this, being disrespectful not aknowledging someone's communication.
Just phone him, whenever you want, this man has adverised himself as a single available man who wants to date, he has been pro active texting and dating you and then gone radio silent.

So what if he's with his parents, people take calls for someone they care about. Somethings not right, he's obviously trying to keep you secret, don't play his game and hide, you are worth more than that.

Why should she call him though? It’s not like he’s been bothered about her. I think some men advertise themselves as single and available just to play fuck about. I’ve know men who have gone on dating apps who are already in relationships and even those who are single who are just looking for sex but advertise themselves as single and looking for a relationship. Op shouldn’t have to chase him about his because he can’t be arsed to reply to a simple text she sent him. Nooooo never chase after a man! Like you said, he doesn’t care enough

Tbh I wouldn't even carry on dating someone who'd only been in my life 4 weeks if they did this

He ignored you the first time you text, then the second time ignored your questions but placated you with a Merry Christmas. He knows you were on your own. It would have taken him approx 10 seconds more to answer your question, and maybe say 'sorry I'll be unresponsive as busy with family but can't wait to see you in the new year' or similar. Sending a text is a really low bar. Even 3 texts per day to someone he's supposed to care about (and yes I'd expect him to care after 2 months) would take him a maximum of 5 minutes.

Personally I think he has been both rude and inconsiderate. Even if he hadn't been, these stages should be fun and exciting - he should be really pleased to be speaking to you! I'd move on OP

Sadly if someone is into you they will contact you a lot

it’s hard but let him go he doesn’t deserve you does he
let go before you get more attracted

know your worth …. He doesn’t

There will be many more out there red flags we do ignore he’s waving his xx

Omg thank god some sensible people turned up on this thread.

I have no idea why anyone would think this kind of treatment is okay.

Yes, maybe your level of communication in your own relationship was different, but presumably you were both happy with it. What the hell has that got to do with the OP though?

I've dumped men for less than this. If they can't respond to a text within a reasonable time frame then I just don't bother with them anymore. Anytime you give someone the benefit of the doubt, they end up proving to you why you shouldn't. So these days I don't doubt myself! If they fuck up, they're out. Makes life so much easier.

I think you sound like hard work to be honest…good luck.

Yeah it's always better to be super easy. If you expect a guy to make a minimal amount of effort, he might not bother. So best to just expect nothing and have zero standards - you don't want a man to think he has to, like, do anything to get your attention.

You'd better find someone who meets your needs better, then, and OP can choose not to be with you, either...

Honestly it's baffling when people think they are the best judge of whether someone is 'hard work' or 'too much' or 'too easy going' etc. It's nobody's judgement to make, except the individual in question to make about themselves.

I think you're hard work, Zebra, but who cares? What does it matter?

I probably am hard work but I am not moaning because I won’t date someone for more than one day a week and expecting the earth in return. She is not giving anything - I am not sure what you don’t get! It’s not a relationship.

Quite!

@taylorswift1989 @Watchkeys Thank you for being supportive. It's not lost on me.

It doesn't matter that anyone thinks I'm hard work. I know who I am and won't settle for crumbs. It's shocking to see that some are normalising my date's inconsistency and insensitivity which are what my concerns centred around.

I'm in my mid-30s; he's in his mid-40s. We have lives to attend to. There's no principle on how many dates one ought to go on in a week in order to get treated right.

If some are happy to go on a date 7 days a week, that's fine. One day a week is what currently works for me and it's no excuse for a grown man to not make an effort.
@TwoBoysTooMany76 hasn't seen her date in a while and he's still responsive. Very reassuring to read her story. And I hope it goes well.

If one day a week didn't work for my date, he wouldn't have spent the past two months communicating responsively.

I don't need to proof myself or work to earn consistency. Anyone with some self-worth shouldn't suggest that.

Agreed OP! Know your worth and know your wants! If more women did we would have fewer miserable mumsnet posters bewildered by how their fiancés or husbands or boyfriends are treating them.