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Original poster

Not heard from him over Christmas. Am I a thing of convenience?

209 replies

dontcook · 25/12/2023 21:24

I've been going on dates with a man and we've been communicating a lot - daily texts throughout the days in between dates.
He planned to spend Christmas at his parents while I am spending Christmas on my own.
Since he got to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, he has gone silent.
He hasn't been texting me and I have also given him space except one text which I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas!

My mind is telling me that this is not a good sign as it feels the daily communication was happening because it was convenient for him not because he wants to feel connected to me, but I'm being cautious not to overthink it.
Christmas is a special time and the least people do is to let loved ones know they're in their thoughts even they are not together. I would have appreciated a text.

YABU He should not communicate at all since it is Christmas and he is with his family. He needs his time and space.

YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 26/12/2023 18:05

So him not messaging you = playing games

What’s you not messaging him then? You’ve not messaged since his last reply - why’s it on him?

Original poster
dontcook · 26/12/2023 18:08

I didn't just text him 'Merry Christmas.' In the text, I also asked how it's going at the parents...
Goodness. He sees his parents every other week, am I to expect the silent treatment this frequently? 😅

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 26/12/2023 18:14

I understand OP but it depends how long it goes on, I think

I don't hear from my best friend for at least a fortnight over xmas, it's edging up to three weeks now.

I was just actually just having my annual moan to my sister about this but many people see Christmas as sacred family time.

I'd probably discreetly mention it in the next date. Does he never message if with parents? Does he spend the entire weekend there? For some people, parents will always take priority but it's early days.

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 18:20

I understand OP but it depends how long it goes on, I think

It doesn't. It depends on how OP feels about it. If he goes quiet for 30 seconds and she doesn't want to be with someone who goes quiet for 30 seconds, it's her prerogative to leave.

Rewis · 26/12/2023 18:25

When I'm visiting my parents I'm not in that much contact with my bf. We spent the Christmas apart and only sent a few texts at bedtime. I had my phone on silent from 24-26. I wouldn't read too much into this without more of a backstop.

Feelingslightlyuneasy · 26/12/2023 18:26

OP, if he liked you and saw this as something long term, he would be excited to text/speak to you.
Your expectations should be that he makes the time to text you or ask you how your Christmas was - even if that’s at night when he goes up to bed.
Throw this one back, he can’t be bothered to make the effort, and even if this is just his normal behaviour, do you really want that lack of interest or consideration moving forward?

Id be very, very, unavailable in the New Year, if I was you

Whataretheodds · 26/12/2023 18:30

You're massively overrthinking. It's been 48 hours?

Maybe he's having a shit time and doesn't want to offload on you. Maybe he's having a lovely busy time catching up with family and doesn't realise the woman he's recently started dating is agonising over 48 hours.

As others have said, if you need more then you need more, maybe he has different expectations of a healthy pattern over Christmas.

Original poster
dontcook · 26/12/2023 18:48

He's actually just texted me now saying 'I'm back home now! I had a lot of fun. How're you?'

It's all about them, isn't it? He is back to reality now so we should just carry on at the snap of a finger. 🙄

OP posts:
Peepshowcreepshow · 26/12/2023 18:53

The man can clearly do nothing right. He texted as soon as he was back, asked how you are and he's still in the wrong despite having done nothing wrong. Dump him and do him a favour he doesn't yet know he needs.

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 26/12/2023 18:56

dontcook · 26/12/2023 18:48

He's actually just texted me now saying 'I'm back home now! I had a lot of fun. How're you?'

It's all about them, isn't it? He is back to reality now so we should just carry on at the snap of a finger. 🙄

Is this a wind up?

He spent two days (48 hours!) with his family, wished you a Merry Christmas whilst he was there, and when he got home let you know, said he had fun, and asked how you were!!!

What a bastard! 🙄😲😂

Whataretheodds · 26/12/2023 18:58

@dontcook you sound like INCREDIBLY HARD WORK I'm afraid.

Olika · 26/12/2023 19:01

I actually think he hasn't done anything wrong. He spent Xmas with his family and he did write you on Xmas Eve and was quiet for Xmas day only as he wrote you again on Boxing Day. And you have been 'going on dates' so it's not even an established relationship yet.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 19:03

Peepshowcreepshow · 26/12/2023 18:53

The man can clearly do nothing right. He texted as soon as he was back, asked how you are and he's still in the wrong despite having done nothing wrong. Dump him and do him a favour he doesn't yet know he needs.

I agree. I actually feel sorry for the bloke. Talk about make a drama out of absolutely nothing.

Whatever the poor sod did wouldn’t be good enough for the OP.

Im not sure it’s actually him it’s all about tbh

MissJoGrant · 26/12/2023 19:10

Unless I've misread your post (entirely possible!) it seems you've both sent each other the same number of texts (1 each).

Incognitoergosumlol · 26/12/2023 19:15

dontcook · 26/12/2023 18:48

He's actually just texted me now saying 'I'm back home now! I had a lot of fun. How're you?'

It's all about them, isn't it? He is back to reality now so we should just carry on at the snap of a finger. 🙄

I'd just reply 'Fine thanks- merry Christmas '. And leave it at that. He should at least call you....if he doesn't then he would rather be single than ask what's up.

CheekyHobson · 26/12/2023 19:18

dontcook · 26/12/2023 18:48

He's actually just texted me now saying 'I'm back home now! I had a lot of fun. How're you?'

It's all about them, isn't it? He is back to reality now so we should just carry on at the snap of a finger. 🙄

And are you going to reply "Angrily obsessing and posting online about your failure to message me enough in the last 48 hours. All about you, isn't it?"?

Or would that seem a bit OTT?

Original poster
dontcook · 26/12/2023 19:20

You're all entitled to say what you want.
And I'm entitled to feel how I feel.
Call me hard work, however I think my concern about him not communicative for days and then wanting to go from zero to hundred is valid. It's too hot and cold for me. Prior to texting him on Christmas Eve, I had texted a day before asking if he got there alright and asking if he had a good day, but he didn't respond.
It's not like he gave a headsup that he likes to be off grid when with family. So, I'm left to make sense of his sudden change and just adapt.
If you can't see the point, then that's okay.

OP posts:
Didimum · 26/12/2023 19:24

This is all rather overblown, OP. Your judgement of him on these two days alone is pretty harsh. Christmastime can be a bit of a void when you’re with family, it’s good to have a break sometimes and it doesn’t have to be a reflection of your connection together. I dated over a couple of Christmases and did not text them over the core Christmas days when I was visiting family – one time that was my now husband. It has zero to do with my feelings or commitment for anyone. If I received a strop about it upon returning I would have been so turned off – it is a holiday after all.

You’re allowed whatever expectations you like, but this one, to me, is ridiculous.

Original poster
dontcook · 26/12/2023 19:27

@Incognitoergosumlol Thanks. That's what I'm going to do.
We've been going on dates for two months. Usually, if I'm silent and don't respond to him I, I always return saying something like 'forgive the silence, was stuck in a meeting.' And then we carry on the conversation. I don't appreciate him testing me with substandard treatments. Is this supposed to make me like him more?
A good test would have been a text saying something like 'I hope you managed a good Christmas on your own.' Absolutely insensitive.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 26/12/2023 19:27

So you’ve been keeping him at arms length?

Just ring him if you want to speak to him.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 26/12/2023 19:28

Oh for the old days where you weren't expected to be in hourly contact in a new relationship.
The pressure that it puts on people is ridiculous.
We used to have a date, say, Tuesday, and then you might arrange to see them on Saturday and that was that. So much healthier emotionally in the early stages.
So he may be married, or not that into you, or so overwhelmed with the pressure on constant messaging that he's in a huge ball of guilt that is a self fulfilling prophecy.
You won't know till you see him again in person tbh.

ZebraD · 26/12/2023 19:31

Perhaps you need to think about how committed you want him to be when you will only commit to 1 date a week. He will hardly miss you as you have no relationship…if you liked him and vice versa you would be seeing him more than that by now….

Incognitoergosumlol · 26/12/2023 19:35

dontcook · 26/12/2023 19:27

@Incognitoergosumlol Thanks. That's what I'm going to do.
We've been going on dates for two months. Usually, if I'm silent and don't respond to him I, I always return saying something like 'forgive the silence, was stuck in a meeting.' And then we carry on the conversation. I don't appreciate him testing me with substandard treatments. Is this supposed to make me like him more?
A good test would have been a text saying something like 'I hope you managed a good Christmas on your own.' Absolutely insensitive.

He should intuit that you are not best pleased and at least call. If he goes silent or is cold back then fuck him. A merry Christmas is really not too much to ask no matter which way you slice it - you should be somewhere in his thoughts!!

Didimum · 26/12/2023 19:40

Incognitoergosumlol · 26/12/2023 19:15

I'd just reply 'Fine thanks- merry Christmas '. And leave it at that. He should at least call you....if he doesn't then he would rather be single than ask what's up.

Show quote history

I would not ring someone who text that to me. It’s rude and passive aggressive. He’s well shot of her at this point.

wutheringkites · 26/12/2023 19:46

I don't appreciate him testing me with substandard treatments. Is this supposed to make me like him more?

You've made this up though, haven't you?

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