Page 5 | Not heard from him over Christmas. Am I a thing of convenience?

dontcook · 2023-12-25T21:24:59+00:00

I've been going on dates with a man and we've been communicating a lot - daily texts throughout the days in between dates. He planned to spend Christmas at his parents while I am spending Christmas on my own. Since he got to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, he has gone silent. He hasn't been texting me and I have also given him space except one text which I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas! My mind is telling me that this is not a good sign as it feels the daily communication was happening because it was convenient for him not because he wants to feel connected to me, but I'm being cautious not to overthink it. Christmas is a special time and the least people do is to let loved ones know they're in their thoughts even they are not together. I would have appreciated a text. YABU He should not communicate at all since it is Christmas and he is with his family. He needs his time and space. YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag.

Didimum · 26/12/2023 19:46

dontcook · 26/12/2023 19:27

@Incognitoergosumlol Thanks. That's what I'm going to do.
We've been going on dates for two months. Usually, if I'm silent and don't respond to him I, I always return saying something like 'forgive the silence, was stuck in a meeting.' And then we carry on the conversation. I don't appreciate him testing me with substandard treatments. Is this supposed to make me like him more?
A good test would have been a text saying something like 'I hope you managed a good Christmas on your own.' Absolutely insensitive.

You have zero evidence that it’s a ‘test’. You’ve just got that from a bunch of strangers off the internet who don’t know you and certainly don’t know him.

if you value non-game playing so highly, you should reply to him with the feelings you have expressed here.

If it’s not good enough for you, then you should break it off with him. Passive aggressive and vague stroppy texting is only playing mind games. What on earth is the point? Let him address the actual issue or just end it.

LuluBlakey1 · 26/12/2023 19:48

Two months, meeting once a week is a maximum of 8 meetings. It'a hardly a relationship, it's a friendship at best.

Honestly, I think you are expecting too much. You are giving him the impression of distance and coolness and formality. 'Forgive the silence' if you don't answer a text quickly is really quite formal.

You are not his responsibility, your loneliness yesterday is nothing to do with him. He clearly feels a distance that you, although you signal that you do, actually don't feel or want.

How about replying by saying 'I missed talking to you. Let's make some plans to meet. How do you feel about doing something together on New Year's Eve?'

wutheringkites · 26/12/2023 19:48

If you're so upset about this that you're planning to start sending passive aggressive texts (which will probably spell the end of this short relationship), why not just be honest instead?

Tell him you've found it hard spending Christmas alone. Because that's the real issue here, isn't it?

harerunner · 26/12/2023 19:50

@dontcook

Judging by your posts, he got a lucky escape.

harerunner · 26/12/2023 19:52

How about replying by saying 'I missed talking to you. Let's make some plans to meet. How do you feel about doing something together on New Year's Eve?'

That would be far too mature and reasonable. Far better to assume the worst and fume passive aggressively.

Dotcheck · 26/12/2023 20:02

But OP, he may not be ‘testing’ you. I would think it was obvious that if I was away visiting family over a busy holiday that I wouldn’t really be in touch.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 20:04

God, some women have low standards.

I think it's fine to expect more communication, OP. He should have let you know if he needed to go quiet. I'm not sure wtf kind of relationships people are having where it's fine for the other person to just drop in and out of contact when they feel like it with no regard to how it makes you feel.

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 20:09

@harerunner @wutheringkites I don't think it's really fair to dismiss OP's relationship as not being one...my view is the opposite at the start of a relationship you expect someone to be super keen...
@harerunner we don't know OP I really think she's got her own boundaries and that's absolutely fine.

Ladyof2022 · 26/12/2023 20:13

If he were with his parents there will be so many chances for him to text you. For example in the morning in his room while he is getting ready and getting dressed before he has gone downstairs to be with the family, he could easily take a minute two minutes five minutes to text you or send you a gift or an e-card or even video chat with you. And there are lots of opportunities during the day people have showers for example he could text you while he is in his room getting changed for a shower or getting changed for dinner. He could easily attached you late at night just before he goes to bed or even when he is actually in bed.

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 20:16

Here's an idea too ..he could actually say " I have been seeing someone lovely for a few months and she is on get own, just going to give her a quick call "

NearlyMonday · 26/12/2023 20:19

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 20:16

Here's an idea too ..he could actually say " I have been seeing someone lovely for a few months and she is on get own, just going to give her a quick call "

That’s a bit radical!!!

wutheringkites · 26/12/2023 20:25

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 20:09

@harerunner @wutheringkites I don't think it's really fair to dismiss OP's relationship as not being one...my view is the opposite at the start of a relationship you expect someone to be super keen...
@harerunner we don't know OP I really think she's got her own boundaries and that's absolutely fine.

Where did I dismiss their relationship?

Didimum · 26/12/2023 20:34

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 20:04

God, some women have low standards.

I think it's fine to expect more communication, OP. He should have let you know if he needed to go quiet. I'm not sure wtf kind of relationships people are having where it's fine for the other person to just drop in and out of contact when they feel like it with no regard to how it makes you feel.

It’s not necessarily low standards, it’s just not attaching the same meaning to frequency of text messages. For some people that will make them very anxious and for others they wouldn’t think anything of it.

I don’t think, after only 2 months of dating, the guy should be expected to know what camp OP falls in – he doesn’t know how she’s feeling, so we can’t accuse him of having no regard for them. And if she’s not going to express how she feels then disappointment is her only option because he’s not a mind reader.

I have incredibly high standards and also appreciate a fair amount of communication and consideration, but I wouldn’t not attach any meaning to a drop in texting over Christmas Day. My standards are no lower because of it.

KissTheRains · 26/12/2023 20:36

If I had a friend that I knew was alone on Christmas.day, I'd text or call and make sure they knew I was there.
I might even invite them around on boxing Day or on the day itself. I might even just drop in at some point to check on them.

Now if I was dating a man and I knew they were alone on Christmas day, you better believe I'd be in touch to let them know I was thinking about them.and I'd hope they'd feel less alone if only for an hour. I would have NO problem telling anyone I was with that I was texting or calling someone I knew was alone.

So if this guy has gone from texting 10+ times a day to zero times on Christmas day of all days when he knew OP was alone.. and now wants to just go back to 10+ times a day? nah, fuck that guy. Couldn't spare a few seconds here and there, I wouldn't be able to spare a few seconds here and there in return.

ETA: I don't know why I though OP had said she's alone on Xmas... I must have imagined it.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 20:44

Didimum · 26/12/2023 20:34

It’s not necessarily low standards, it’s just not attaching the same meaning to frequency of text messages. For some people that will make them very anxious and for others they wouldn’t think anything of it.

I don’t think, after only 2 months of dating, the guy should be expected to know what camp OP falls in – he doesn’t know how she’s feeling, so we can’t accuse him of having no regard for them. And if she’s not going to express how she feels then disappointment is her only option because he’s not a mind reader.

I have incredibly high standards and also appreciate a fair amount of communication and consideration, but I wouldn’t not attach any meaning to a drop in texting over Christmas Day. My standards are no lower because of it.

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I think that if the frequency or nature of communication changes it's obvious that this will be noticed, at the very least. So you say, hey I'm not going to be able to text much for a few days... It's rude to just drop contact. If it were me I'd end it there. Red flag if a guy can't communicate.

Whataretheodds · 26/12/2023 20:45

@taylorswift1989 he replied! It's OP eho didn't get back in touch because she was too busy having her preferences.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 20:49

Whataretheodds · 26/12/2023 20:45

@taylorswift1989 he replied! It's OP eho didn't get back in touch because she was too busy having her preferences.

You mean standards. She was too busy having her standards.

Who would put up with this shit? You'd have to be desperate.

fuckssaaaaake · 26/12/2023 20:50

It's sad how many jumped to "married" !

OP I think your feelings are valid. He's maybe slightly insensitive but doesn't mean he's not into you after a short time. Christmas is busy AF sometimes and if you're new then you won't be a priority but don't see this as necessarily he doesn't care. I would give it a shot as it was and see how you go.

I hope this didn't ruin your Christmas

WGACA · 26/12/2023 20:51

fuckssaaaaake · 26/12/2023 20:50

It's sad how many jumped to "married" !

OP I think your feelings are valid. He's maybe slightly insensitive but doesn't mean he's not into you after a short time. Christmas is busy AF sometimes and if you're new then you won't be a priority but don't see this as necessarily he doesn't care. I would give it a shot as it was and see how you go.

I hope this didn't ruin your Christmas

I’m assuming this is people who have lived experience. There are so many married men on dating apps. It’s hard not to become cynical.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 26/12/2023 20:52

This is being over thought and seems an OTT reaction after a couple of months of dating.

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 26/12/2023 21:00

How many dates have you actually gone on with this man, OP? As someone said, at most it's eight if you've only been dating for two months. You've not even become boyfriend/girlfriend.

You say yourself you've been taking it slowly.

I think it's counterproductive to start being passive aggressive with someone you don't know that well who has been with his family over Christmas.

Didimum · 26/12/2023 21:04

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 20:44

I think that if the frequency or nature of communication changes it's obvious that this will be noticed, at the very least. So you say, hey I'm not going to be able to text much for a few days... It's rude to just drop contact. If it were me I'd end it there. Red flag if a guy can't communicate.

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It’s rude out of the blue on an ordinary day/stretch of days. But it’s not an ordinary day – it’s Christmas, he was travelling either side and spending time with his family. To many people it’s a given that text messaging will drop. If it’s not a given to OP then she needs to express that – they are getting to know each others needs after all.

99% of people are out of routine at Christmas. He text her the day before and straight away when he arrived home. There are zero red flags here.

Original poster

dontcook · 26/12/2023 21:11

KissTheRains · 26/12/2023 20:36

If I had a friend that I knew was alone on Christmas.day, I'd text or call and make sure they knew I was there.
I might even invite them around on boxing Day or on the day itself. I might even just drop in at some point to check on them.

Now if I was dating a man and I knew they were alone on Christmas day, you better believe I'd be in touch to let them know I was thinking about them.and I'd hope they'd feel less alone if only for an hour. I would have NO problem telling anyone I was with that I was texting or calling someone I knew was alone.

So if this guy has gone from texting 10+ times a day to zero times on Christmas day of all days when he knew OP was alone.. and now wants to just go back to 10+ times a day? nah, fuck that guy. Couldn't spare a few seconds here and there, I wouldn't be able to spare a few seconds here and there in return.

ETA: I don't know why I though OP had said she's alone on Xmas... I must have imagined it.

Edited

Thanks for understanding.
He went mute since 22nd.
I texted him on 23rd asking how his day was going, to which he didn't reply.
Then I texted him on 24th asking if he got to the parents alright and again asked how it is going. I then signed off wishing him a merry Christmas. He simply responded 'merry Christmas.'
He knows that I was spending Christmas alone and I'd shared with him that this is not by choice, I just don't have family. In fact, we'd talked about how incredibly lucky he was to have family to go to because days prior, I'd asked a 'relative' if I could come to theirs and they declined so, I was on my own because I just had to be.

So, of course I didn't text him on Christmas because I'd had two days of asking open-ended questions that meant I was seeking to be filled in and he just ignored them and only responded with two words.
Should I have texted him on for the third time on Christmas days asking another open-ended question? I'd already texted merry Christmas the night before. I'd ran out of questions to strike a conversation. And it's rude to ignore my questions and come back three days later and not even acknowledge them and just carry on. I don't treat people that way. I don't expect someone who's saying they care about me to be on and off as they please and to be insensitive.

OP posts:

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 21:12

Didimum · 26/12/2023 21:04

It’s rude out of the blue on an ordinary day/stretch of days. But it’s not an ordinary day – it’s Christmas, he was travelling either side and spending time with his family. To many people it’s a given that text messaging will drop. If it’s not a given to OP then she needs to express that – they are getting to know each others needs after all.

99% of people are out of routine at Christmas. He text her the day before and straight away when he arrived home. There are zero red flags here.

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"If he wanted to, he would." Ever heard that? It's so true.

And let's face it, unless you're a parent of young kids hosting Xmas at your home, it really isn't such a busy day that you couldn't spend a few minutes messaging someone.

In fact, most people see Xmas as a time to be more in touch with friends and family.

Surely if you were going to be that busy, you'd give a heads up. If you normally text someone multiple times a day and suddenly you just stop, of course they're going to wonder what the hell is going on.

Unless you just wait patiently like a good little girl until the man decides he can be bothered with you again? Fuck that.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 21:15

dontcook · 26/12/2023 21:11

Thanks for understanding.
He went mute since 22nd.
I texted him on 23rd asking how his day was going, to which he didn't reply.
Then I texted him on 24th asking if he got to the parents alright and again asked how it is going. I then signed off wishing him a merry Christmas. He simply responded 'merry Christmas.'
He knows that I was spending Christmas alone and I'd shared with him that this is not by choice, I just don't have family. In fact, we'd talked about how incredibly lucky he was to have family to go to because days prior, I'd asked a 'relative' if I could come to theirs and they declined so, I was on my own because I just had to be.

So, of course I didn't text him on Christmas because I'd had two days of asking open-ended questions that meant I was seeking to be filled in and he just ignored them and only responded with two words.
Should I have texted him on for the third time on Christmas days asking another open-ended question? I'd already texted merry Christmas the night before. I'd ran out of questions to strike a conversation. And it's rude to ignore my questions and come back three days later and not even acknowledge them and just carry on. I don't treat people that way. I don't expect someone who's saying they care about me to be on and off as they please and to be insensitive.

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I'd see it as a lucky escape OP. He's letting you know he's not trustworthy or caring.

There are loads of lovely men out there. Go and find one, and ditch this rude and careless idiot.