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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not heard from him over Christmas. Am I a thing of convenience?

209 replies

dontcook · 25/12/2023 21:24

I've been going on dates with a man and we've been communicating a lot - daily texts throughout the days in between dates.
He planned to spend Christmas at his parents while I am spending Christmas on my own.
Since he got to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, he has gone silent.
He hasn't been texting me and I have also given him space except one text which I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas!

My mind is telling me that this is not a good sign as it feels the daily communication was happening because it was convenient for him not because he wants to feel connected to me, but I'm being cautious not to overthink it.
Christmas is a special time and the least people do is to let loved ones know they're in their thoughts even they are not together. I would have appreciated a text.

YABU He should not communicate at all since it is Christmas and he is with his family. He needs his time and space.

YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag.

OP posts:
Fishpieandchips · 26/12/2023 12:21

If he wanted to he would.

Its really as simple as this.

I found this out the hard way. Throw him back.

harerunner · 26/12/2023 13:02

Fishpieandchips · 26/12/2023 12:21

If he wanted to he would.

Its really as simple as this.

I found this out the hard way. Throw him back.

Lots of ridiculous and dramatic responses here of which this is one.

You sent him a Happy Christmas message on Christmas Day. He responded in kind! Given that it can be hectic with family etc. see this as perfectly normal. In fact, he could even be wondering where your message is if he messaged last!

Ignore the cynics who immediately jump to the conclusion that he's married...

ProfessorInkling · 26/12/2023 13:07

Give him the benefit of the doubt and text to ask how his Christmas is going? Do you have a next date set? Ask for one? If he's evasive, then that's different, but give him a chance?

CuriousityKilledThePussy · 26/12/2023 13:11

Peepshowcreepshow · 25/12/2023 21:28

'Going on dates' suggests this is a very new thing.
The red flag for me would be a person who expects me to stop what I'm doing with family to text inane crap. It's been less than 48 hours, I don't think there's need to bin him over this.

I don't think letting someone know you're thinking of them by wishing them a happy Christmas is "inane crap" 🙄

Doggymummar · 26/12/2023 13:14

Give him a ring? What's with the texting? I'm pretty sure you will get your answer from how the conversation goes.

pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2023 13:16

If a man wants to be with you he will do whatever to stay in your orbit and on your mind. If he takes you for granted, has other fish to fry, forgets you are alone on a major holiday? In the famous phrase “he’s just not that into you.” It’s diagnostic.

tescocreditcard · 26/12/2023 13:17

I would have rung him to wish him a merry xmas.

Doteycat · 26/12/2023 13:21

Nah he's not arsed.
Bin him.
Dd has a boyfriend, they are apart for xmas. They miss each other desperately and are in touch about 6 times a day.
He's with his family but dd is important to him so he wants to chat with her and her him.
If they want to talk to you they will find the time.
Don't accept anything less.

SweetChilliChickenWrap · 26/12/2023 13:23

Not seeing the issue. He's spending Christmas with his tight knit family so probably wants to be fully present. He's wished you Merry Christmas. I expect once he's back home, or his family have left, whichever it is, he'll have more time again.

You've only been on a few dates, so not yet a serious relationship

YABU.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2023 13:39

It sounds like you're trying to find explanations for him as to why a grown adult bloke can't get out his mobile and drop you a couple of lines to say he's thinking of you, even if he has to multitask being with his family. It really isn't difficult, not this day and age with mobile communications.

Its sad how so many women feel they have to search around for reasons why their menfolk aren't bothered enough to do that. It's probably because he isn't that invested in you and it shows. That's a harsh and hurtful reality, I'm sorry to say,

it would put me off especially if he suddenly springs back into action when it suits him.

YANBU your instinct is right, you are on the back burner, take back control and don't be that to him, you deserve much better and it's his loss.

Doteycat · 26/12/2023 13:39

If he isn't arsed after a few dates then he's never going to be.
Honey if he's not beating down the door to get at you, get rid.
God some people have such low standards no wonder they end up with shit husbands.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2023 13:41

In fairness to the OP, @Doteycat the OP cannot be put into the category of having low standards, she's asking all the right questions and testing her own thinking.

Doteycat · 26/12/2023 13:48

daisychain01 · 26/12/2023 13:41

In fairness to the OP, @Doteycat the OP cannot be put into the category of having low standards, she's asking all the right questions and testing her own thinking.

Apologies, I didn't mean to infer the OP at all.
I meant in general.
I think op is right to question it.
Op listen to your gut. U know what it's telling you.

LuluBlakey1 · 26/12/2023 13:53

How long have you been seeing him?

harerunner · 26/12/2023 13:56

Doteycat · 26/12/2023 13:39

If he isn't arsed after a few dates then he's never going to be.
Honey if he's not beating down the door to get at you, get rid.
God some people have such low standards no wonder they end up with shit husbands.

Being constantly in touch on Christmas Day after a few dates when you're with your families would be far more of a red flag in my opinion. It's overly needy and shows a lack of boundaries.

Doteycat · 26/12/2023 13:58

harerunner · 26/12/2023 13:56

Being constantly in touch on Christmas Day after a few dates when you're with your families would be far more of a red flag in my opinion. It's overly needy and shows a lack of boundaries.

Show quote history

That's a shame.
It would be good to maybe reevaluate your thinking so. .its not healthy.

GrandParade · 26/12/2023 13:59

Peepshowcreepshow · 25/12/2023 21:28

'Going on dates' suggests this is a very new thing.
The red flag for me would be a person who expects me to stop what I'm doing with family to text inane crap. It's been less than 48 hours, I don't think there's need to bin him over this.

This.

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2023 14:01

I know it's the norm for many to text every day...but it would do my head in personally. Especially if its someone I see once a week and they text me every.single.day in-between.

Just see him twice a week and give him space on the other days. That way if it doesn't work out it's less daunting because you've not spent all day every day joined by a phone. Just a few hours here and there on dates.

Maybe he is trying to reduce the amount of texting you do for that very reason.

How about just giving him a quick call for a chat? Heading someone's voice is a lot less likely to confuse you than endless texting will.

Plus they never answer if they're with other women. You just get a text back going 'sorry, too busy atm' 3 seconds later. ...not to busy to text apparently xD

Bobbotgegrinch · 26/12/2023 14:03

You haven't communicated with him either though?

Maybe he's taking his lead from you. Maybe he thinks you'll be busy over Christmas so he'll leave you to it. You have no idea, because you've not text him other than one generic message.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 14:05

I'd be upset by this too, OP.

Original poster
dontcook · 26/12/2023 16:31

I texted him on Christmas Eve, not on Christmas Day. And he sent that curt reply.
So, today's the third day where he hasn't initiated contact. I'm not asking for him to take me to space. A quick check-in while going to bed would be nice. It's not like he's sleeping in a cot next to his parents. He's a 45 year old man.
My priority is my job, so this is akin to me adopting a rule where I don't reply to his texts from Monday-Friday because I'm in work mode. It just isn't good enough for me.
We have a date booked for next week. It's still fairly new.

OP posts:
betterangels · 26/12/2023 16:36

Peepshowcreepshow · 25/12/2023 21:28

'Going on dates' suggests this is a very new thing.
The red flag for me would be a person who expects me to stop what I'm doing with family to text inane crap. It's been less than 48 hours, I don't think there's need to bin him over this.

Even after your update I agree with this. Equally, you don't have to keep dating him if you want more contact from someone you're dating.

StephanieLampshade · 26/12/2023 16:38

He is probably subconsciously testing you to see how you react.

Keep your cool.

He may well return all.the more enthusiastic.

People need to know they can have space and that their future partner can handle disagreements without aggression, sulking or drama.

I don't think this is unforgivable.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 16:49

I think he's just trying to see if you react.
Not a nice trait.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 16:53

There’s a balance between disappearing and texting a dozen times a day when you’re apart and in the company of others.

Personally I think texting several times a day over Christmas is too much and would irritate me but the odd catch up message isn’t much to ask. He must have a few minutes here and there to just say ‘hi how’s it going’

I’m in the ‘don’t call him’ camp. I wouldn’t pick up the phone for an unarranged call, but specially if I’m in company.

I would say though see if he gets in touch this week then make a decision about if it’s worth pursuing

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