Page 6 | Not heard from him over Christmas. Am I a thing of convenience?

dontcook · 2023-12-25T21:24:59+00:00

I've been going on dates with a man and we've been communicating a lot - daily texts throughout the days in between dates. He planned to spend Christmas at his parents while I am spending Christmas on my own. Since he got to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, he has gone silent. He hasn't been texting me and I have also given him space except one text which I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas! My mind is telling me that this is not a good sign as it feels the daily communication was happening because it was convenient for him not because he wants to feel connected to me, but I'm being cautious not to overthink it. Christmas is a special time and the least people do is to let loved ones know they're in their thoughts even they are not together. I would have appreciated a text. YABU He should not communicate at all since it is Christmas and he is with his family. He needs his time and space. YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag.

fuckssaaaaake · 26/12/2023 21:17

@taylorswift1989 were all different but that's not the case for me at all. I've still got some unread WhatsApp's because the last two days have been hectic AF and I haven't had the head space to sit down and have a conversation. Once I peel myself off Mumsnet I'll be replying to them all tonight but no one will think less of me that it took me two days because it's been so full on!

ZebraD · 26/12/2023 21:17

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 20:04

God, some women have low standards.

I think it's fine to expect more communication, OP. He should have let you know if he needed to go quiet. I'm not sure wtf kind of relationships people are having where it's fine for the other person to just drop in and out of contact when they feel like it with no regard to how it makes you feel.

But she only wants to see him once a week and that’s ok? What if he wanted more but hasn’t said anything? You don’t know and I don’t know but going to visit parents for Christmas and going quiet in someone you barely have a relationship really isn’t a big deal! If they had been dating far more regularly for that length of time then maybe he should have gotten in touch. Expectations are high yet offerings are low.

Original poster

dontcook · 26/12/2023 21:21

fuckssaaaaake · 26/12/2023 20:50

It's sad how many jumped to "married" !

OP I think your feelings are valid. He's maybe slightly insensitive but doesn't mean he's not into you after a short time. Christmas is busy AF sometimes and if you're new then you won't be a priority but don't see this as necessarily he doesn't care. I would give it a shot as it was and see how you go.

I hope this didn't ruin your Christmas

Thank you.
He didn't ruin my Christmas at all.
I actually had the best Christmas I've had in many years. So, I'm very happy and grateful that I got on just fine by myself.
I'm not pinning Christmas loneliness on him like someone else suggested. That's not it at all. I just expect more of someone who claims they care about me.

OP posts:

Didimum · 26/12/2023 21:26

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 21:12

"If he wanted to, he would." Ever heard that? It's so true.

And let's face it, unless you're a parent of young kids hosting Xmas at your home, it really isn't such a busy day that you couldn't spend a few minutes messaging someone.

In fact, most people see Xmas as a time to be more in touch with friends and family.

Surely if you were going to be that busy, you'd give a heads up. If you normally text someone multiple times a day and suddenly you just stop, of course they're going to wonder what the hell is going on.

Unless you just wait patiently like a good little girl until the man decides he can be bothered with you again? Fuck that.

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"If he wanted to, he would." Ever heard that? It's so true.

Yeah, I have, and it’s an overly simplistic cliche.

I dated my now husband over Christmas and we didn’t text over the period. No kids, but I have parents and siblings, nieces, aunts and friends back home – “if I wanted to text him, I would have “ is rubbish. One thing had nothing to do with the other. It was a break with my family and signalled nothing more.

It’s two people attaching different meanings to text messages. OP can express her feelings like a grown up with someone getting to know her or dump him with or without doing so – end of.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 21:32

KissTheRains · 25/12/2023 21:42

I forget where I read, but it seems relevant:

"If they want to contact you, they will find the time."

It takes 30seconds to text. There is nothing to do on Christmas day that means you can't spare 30 seconds every now and then to text. He isn't, he doesn't want to... Or he can't because he might get caught...

I disagree - I took all day to reply to the guy I've been on a date with as he asked loads of chatty questions and I was trying to think of interesting responses!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 21:39

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 20:16

Here's an idea too ..he could actually say " I have been seeing someone lovely for a few months and she is on get own, just going to give her a quick call "

Yes that's very true and what I would do in his position

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 21:40

fuckssaaaaake · 26/12/2023 20:50

It's sad how many jumped to "married" !

OP I think your feelings are valid. He's maybe slightly insensitive but doesn't mean he's not into you after a short time. Christmas is busy AF sometimes and if you're new then you won't be a priority but don't see this as necessarily he doesn't care. I would give it a shot as it was and see how you go.

I hope this didn't ruin your Christmas

It's sad how many married guys have girlfriends they met through apps that they strong along and have no clue they're married

Honeyroar · 26/12/2023 21:55

I think he was pretty horrible. Knowing you’re on your own, and that you’d ask to visit a relative and been declined, yet he couldn’t even text you! He sure knows how to make you feel special, NOT!

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 22:12

Honestly can't get over what women will accept from a man they're seeing. Why would anyone think this treatment is okay?

OP, by the way, this is something toxic people do. They wait for a moment when to do something will really hurt. You told him you'd be alone so instead of doing what a decent person would do and either keeping up contact or letting you know that wouldn't be possible, he chose to do the thing that would hurt and confuse you the most. Then act like all is normal. If you accept this, he knows you are weakened and he will begin to manipulate you further.

And yes, wouldn't be surprised if he has a girlfriend or wife and so it's easier to text you from work and tricky to stay in touch over the holidays.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 22:25

dontcook · 26/12/2023 21:11

Thanks for understanding.
He went mute since 22nd.
I texted him on 23rd asking how his day was going, to which he didn't reply.
Then I texted him on 24th asking if he got to the parents alright and again asked how it is going. I then signed off wishing him a merry Christmas. He simply responded 'merry Christmas.'
He knows that I was spending Christmas alone and I'd shared with him that this is not by choice, I just don't have family. In fact, we'd talked about how incredibly lucky he was to have family to go to because days prior, I'd asked a 'relative' if I could come to theirs and they declined so, I was on my own because I just had to be.

So, of course I didn't text him on Christmas because I'd had two days of asking open-ended questions that meant I was seeking to be filled in and he just ignored them and only responded with two words.
Should I have texted him on for the third time on Christmas days asking another open-ended question? I'd already texted merry Christmas the night before. I'd ran out of questions to strike a conversation. And it's rude to ignore my questions and come back three days later and not even acknowledge them and just carry on. I don't treat people that way. I don't expect someone who's saying they care about me to be on and off as they please and to be insensitive.

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Having read this update OP, there’s a lot more detail than the first post and it does actually lend to forming a very different viewpoint.

The OP does read like he’s just busy with family, wished you merry Christmas and that’s it which tbh doesn’t sound too bad. Now reading the fleshed out post, I totally see why you feel the way you do. At the very least, he could have replied on 23rd and said he’ll catch up with you Boxing Day when he’s back from visiting family. At least you wouldn’t have been wondering if and when you’d hear from him.

As to how to move forward, I’d say have a good think in cold light of day and decide if you want to tell him how you feel or just that he’s not for you and move on from him.

Chuffaluffa · 26/12/2023 22:28

Nah OP, I’m with you and LOVE your expectations for yourself- if he wanted this to become a serious thing, he’s not shown you the care that you deserve- Christmas alone is a real challenge. And let’s not pretend someone who is being hosted was too busy to pick up their phone for five minutes and check in.

so, so done with accepting crumbs.

porridgeisbae · 26/12/2023 22:39

I agree with you OP.

Original poster

dontcook · 26/12/2023 23:22

Thank you all.
I know I'm not an unreasonable person. People I date tell me I'm the most chilled person.
I'm not a texter.
My approach is more of a morning and night text and perhaps a phone call every other day and then a physical date. However he loves to text back and forth throughout the day and I made allowance for that because that's his communication style.
His parents have been away travelling, so we've had two months to daily communication and upon their return, he's gone to them for Christmas and went radio silent.
For someone who set the precedent of responsive communication, I expect more. I deserve more.
I feel that he is testing my boundaries and by resurfacing without even acknowledging the period of silence and my open questions, he is trying to normalise offering me less than what any valued woman should expect.

So, I don't see nothing wrong with coming on an anonymous board for others' perspectives. I find it helpful hearing others' perspectives actually. I don't need to always think everything through on my own. Isn't that what Mumsnet for?

OP posts:

littlebopeepp234 · 26/12/2023 23:31

dontcook · 26/12/2023 23:22

Thank you all.
I know I'm not an unreasonable person. People I date tell me I'm the most chilled person.
I'm not a texter.
My approach is more of a morning and night text and perhaps a phone call every other day and then a physical date. However he loves to text back and forth throughout the day and I made allowance for that because that's his communication style.
His parents have been away travelling, so we've had two months to daily communication and upon their return, he's gone to them for Christmas and went radio silent.
For someone who set the precedent of responsive communication, I expect more. I deserve more.
I feel that he is testing my boundaries and by resurfacing without even acknowledging the period of silence and my open questions, he is trying to normalise offering me less than what any valued woman should expect.

So, I don't see nothing wrong with coming on an anonymous board for others' perspectives. I find it helpful hearing others' perspectives actually. I don't need to always think everything through on my own. Isn't that what Mumsnet for?

I completely agree with you. To completely ignore your message asking how his day was, then to just reply with “Merry Christmas” after you went to the effort to write him a couple of full sentences asking if he got there ok and asking how it was going, is just downright rude. He sounds like a selfish prick, he didn’t even make the effort to reply with a 30 second text just to ask how you were or how your Christmas was going!

If others have their standards set so low that they see his behaviour as acceptable then that’s up to them. It’s not like you had both only just started chatting on a dating app and never met each other, you have been dating for 2 months and as you said, he set the precedent of constant communication.

EmmaEmerald · 26/12/2023 23:33

Have his parents been away the whole time you were dating?

if so....You might be about to see a change in communication generally. If he likes to talk at someone and they've been too busy, he might now message you less.

But completely ignoring you over Christmas was a dealbreaker in my book, especially as he knew you didn't choose to be alone. I was unsure at first but I can see how that chirpy message on his return would be really annoying.

pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2023 23:36

Very thoughtful approach OP. I concur with the way you’ve approached this. And your conclusion. People treat us the way we let them. You don’t have to accept this from a 45 year old man. If he wants to be with you he will put in the effort.

samestyle · 26/12/2023 23:44

Knowing you were spending Christmas alone, I think that's a bit unkind not to send at least one message, it's quite an important quality in a potential partner so if he's not showing kindness during dating, it doesn't sound he's putting much effort for it to become more than just dating, hot/cold behaviour is always confusing, best to go by your thoughts and if you want to continue seeing him.

Fishpieandchips · 26/12/2023 23:45

Having read your updates I agree with my earlier response but more from a point of view that he sounds unkind.

I was on my own with the kids all day and my v good friend messaged me in the morning to wish me a merry Christmas, again at lunchtime with something and I wasn't expecting to hear from him again but he messaged when he got back from his family and was concerned I was ok and how my day had been. He knew I wasnt looking forward to it.
We don't bother who's turn it is. I know some people have the "I can't double text" or whatever but it shouldn't matter if kindness prevails

LuluBlakey1 · 26/12/2023 23:49

Ah, but your story is different now. At the start it was you wished him and merry Christmas and he replied 'Merry Christmas'. Now there is lots more relevant detail.

I still think you don't have much of a relationship to start with and that he is less engaged than you but I agree that he has been a bit 'off'.

Best for both of you to cut your losses, you don't sound like you are on the same 'wavelength' really.

littlebopeepp234 · 26/12/2023 23:51

What are you going to do now op? Have you replied to him?

I think for me, it would be a dealbreaker. Knowing you was on your own at Xmas and just sending a measly “merry Christmas” reply after you went to the effort to ask him about himself and how it was going is just plain rude. It sounds as if he didn’t really give a damn about you.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 23:54

I feel that he is testing my boundaries and by resurfacing without even acknowledging the period of silence and my open questions, he is trying to normalise offering me less than what any valued woman should expect.

I can’t help wondering if you’re overthinking this OP. I think it’s far more likely he’s just thoughtless, was caught up with family and it was a case of out of sight out of mind rather than him spending his Christmas playing manipulative mind games.

Neither is a good look but maybe it’s not actually that deep. He’s just a thoughtless bloke.

littlebopeepp234 · 27/12/2023 00:03

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 23:54

I feel that he is testing my boundaries and by resurfacing without even acknowledging the period of silence and my open questions, he is trying to normalise offering me less than what any valued woman should expect.

I can’t help wondering if you’re overthinking this OP. I think it’s far more likely he’s just thoughtless, was caught up with family and it was a case of out of sight out of mind rather than him spending his Christmas playing manipulative mind games.

Neither is a good look but maybe it’s not actually that deep. He’s just a thoughtless bloke.

Edited

Nah she isn’t overthinking it. He is just downright rude. She sent him a message on the 23rd asking him if he got there ok and he completely ignored her. She then sent him another message a day or so later asking him how he was/ how it was going and wished him a merry Christmas - his response to that was just “merry Christmas”! Just downright rude and pig ignorant.

It doesn’t take much to respond with something like “Hey yes got here ok, having a lovely time, thinking of you and hope you have a great Xmas”! Knowing that op was on her own all Xmas. But no, he couldn’t be arsed to even give the tiniest of shits.

If say, you saw someone in person and said to them “Hey hope you’re ok, hope you are having a nice time at your parents house and hope you got there ok” and they just ignored you, so you then said to them, “hope you’re having a lovely time with your family and hope you have a lovely Xmas” and they just replied with “merry Christmas’ without acknowledging anything else you’d said to them, you’d think they were rude. But because it’s only messages we are apparently overthinking his behaviour and should just accept it.

If someone finds this behaviour acceptable then their standards must be really low and they are obviously happy to accept breadcrumbs.

SamW98 · 27/12/2023 00:06

littlebopeepp234 · 27/12/2023 00:03

Nah she isn’t overthinking it. He is just downright rude. She sent him a message on the 23rd asking him if he got there ok and he completely ignored her. She then sent him another message a day or so later asking him how he was/ how it was going and wished him a merry Christmas - his response to that was just “merry Christmas”! Just downright rude and pig ignorant.

It doesn’t take much to respond with something like “Hey yes got here ok, having a lovely time, thinking of you and hope you have a great Xmas”! Knowing that op was on her own all Xmas. But no, he couldn’t be arsed to even give the tiniest of shits.

If say, you saw someone in person and said to them “Hey hope you’re ok, hope you are having a nice time at your parents house and hope you got there ok” and they just ignored you, so you then said to them, “hope you’re having a lovely time with your family and hope you have a lovely Xmas” and they just replied with “merry Christmas’ without acknowledging anything else you’d said to them, you’d think they were rude. But because it’s only messages we are apparently overthinking his behaviour and should just accept it.

If someone finds this behaviour acceptable then their standards must be really low and they are obviously happy to accept breadcrumbs.

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You’ve completely missed my point. I didn’t say it was acceptable at all. That’s not what I’ve written. My comment was that maybe it’s not actually a well thought out plan to test her boundaries and normalise her expectations , he’s being a thoughtless twat.

whiteshutters · 27/12/2023 00:10

You said he is 45. Has he been married before or in a long term relationship?

littlebopeepp234 · 27/12/2023 00:15

SamW98 · 27/12/2023 00:06

You’ve completely missed my point. I didn’t say it was acceptable at all. That’s not what I’ve written. My comment was that maybe it’s not actually a well thought out plan to test her boundaries and normalise her expectations , he’s being a thoughtless twat.

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You said you can’t help thinking that op might be ‘overthinking things’ and that you “ think it’s far more likely he’s just thoughtless, was caught up with family and it was a case of out of sight out of mind rather than him spending his Christmas playing manipulative mind games”.

I doubt op is overthinking things. He is thoughtless yes, but getting ‘caught up with family’ isn’t an excuse for ignoring a message asking if he got there ok and asking him how it was going. His response to her 2nd message says it all really. Nobody is too busy or too caught up with family to be treating someone like that. It’s likely he wasn’t ’testing’ boundaries per se, he probably didn’t arrive at his family and think “I know, let’s play a little game of manipulation with op”, however, it’s very likely that he was being a rude and selfish prick. My point was, a lot of people on this thread seem to be saying that his treatment of op is acceptable.