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Original poster

Not heard from him over Christmas. Am I a thing of convenience?

209 replies

dontcook · 25/12/2023 21:24

I've been going on dates with a man and we've been communicating a lot - daily texts throughout the days in between dates.
He planned to spend Christmas at his parents while I am spending Christmas on my own.
Since he got to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, he has gone silent.
He hasn't been texting me and I have also given him space except one text which I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas!

My mind is telling me that this is not a good sign as it feels the daily communication was happening because it was convenient for him not because he wants to feel connected to me, but I'm being cautious not to overthink it.
Christmas is a special time and the least people do is to let loved ones know they're in their thoughts even they are not together. I would have appreciated a text.

YABU He should not communicate at all since it is Christmas and he is with his family. He needs his time and space.

YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 27/12/2023 00:23

Have you responded to him? It’s definitely insensitive, but maybe he just got caught up with family. You are not a priority, but it’s still early days. Maybe proceed with caution?

Original poster
dontcook · 27/12/2023 00:27

littlebopeepp234 · 26/12/2023 23:51

What are you going to do now op? Have you replied to him?

I think for me, it would be a dealbreaker. Knowing you was on your own at Xmas and just sending a measly “merry Christmas” reply after you went to the effort to ask him about himself and how it was going is just plain rude. It sounds as if he didn’t really give a damn about you.

I replied
*I'm doing great, thank you. Pleased to hear you had a great time with the family. Hope you carry on the feeling throughout the holidays and beyond!
*
He didn't respond. And no, other than the polite response, I don't intend to return to our previous frequency and level of depth (we used to share details of little things we were up to, for example, walking the dog now,, going to a meeting etc. and then we just bounce off each other in relation to these things.

OP posts:
BarelyCoping123 · 27/12/2023 00:30

OP i would not be continuing this relationship. Too hot and cold.

littlebopeepp234 · 27/12/2023 00:31

dontcook · 27/12/2023 00:27

I replied
*I'm doing great, thank you. Pleased to hear you had a great time with the family. Hope you carry on the feeling throughout the holidays and beyond!
*
He didn't respond. And no, other than the polite response, I don't intend to return to our previous frequency and level of depth (we used to share details of little things we were up to, for example, walking the dog now,, going to a meeting etc. and then we just bounce off each other in relation to these things.

Show quote history

I don’t blame you, he just comes across as rude. You are way more polite than I would have been. He would have been ignored/ or sent a 2 word response like he did with you over Xmas if it had been me haha.

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 02:01

Yabu.

It's okay to not hear from each other every single day..some people don't want to talk every single day...even a quick text.

If he is genuinely with family, perhaps he is having a good time with them, being respectful, and maybe he doesn't want to be on the phone.

You wrote:

" I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas!".

Christmas depending on where you reside, was only yesterday. He responded to a text. (Even though he isn't obligated to do so) Learn how to give people space.

He is having a good time with family, and you should be focused on doing the same.

It's strange that you expect him to put you before his family, and just carry on with communicating with you most of the visit.
You want a guy to put you and focus solely on you and no one else...including family, friends, himself??

Surely, you can go a day or two or however long the visit without really having much conversation from him??
You've survived most of your life without him..

If you don't like what he's doing, leave him alone..

I have to tell you though....if you want the possibility of a healthy relationship in the future with anyone if you are overbearing, clingy, and don't know(refuse) to give personal space..it won't work out.

EmmaEmerald · 27/12/2023 02:55

@Burntouted "He is having a good time with family, and you should be focused on doing the same."

OP was alone on Christmas Day. We haven't all got family to hang with at Christmas, the "should" in your post is very telling.

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 03:20

I am very well aware that millions ..perhaps billions of people are without family, many estranged.. that many people are alone daily. I misread it.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 27/12/2023 05:32

Originally, I thought you were being a bit precious, but on reflection, I'd be thoroughly upset by this too. When I first started dating my partner, we were 2 months into a relationship when Christmas rolled around. He was 4 hours away with his massive family and still made the time to message/call me throughout his time there - because I was important to him, he liked me and he missed me. It's not unreasonable for you to want someone to make that sort of effort. I'm wondering why he's single at 45 to be honest - do you know why?

oneflewoverthe · 27/12/2023 05:55

It's no surprise he's single at 45 really

Watchkeys · 27/12/2023 07:53

I don't intend to return to our previous frequency and level of depth

Are you going to make any further response to him at all? If so, why? Do you feel you owe it to him to be polite? Or do you owe it to yourself to be polite to rude people, and be careful not to do anything that might hurt their feelings?

AndOnAndOn1000 · 27/12/2023 08:05

One “Merry Christmas” in 5 days shows you weren’t on his mind in my opinion.

User69371527 · 27/12/2023 09:18

I don’t blame you either for feeling how you do.
kindness, thoughtfulness and being caring are things at the top of my list in a man/potential partner. Also consistency. Sounds like it’s not that you necessarily want or need to text all day long but that’s what he does normally then went from that to nothing when he knew you were on your own.

User69371527 · 27/12/2023 09:22

Are you that into him though? If by choice you’re only seeing him once a week?

Garlicnaan · 27/12/2023 09:52

Sending a quick text is not "putting you before family" and it's totally disingenuous to suggest so. It takes 60 seconds.

taylorswift1989 · 27/12/2023 10:00

I mean, personally, I don't like to text with my boyfriend ever. If he ever calls and texts me, I'm like, omg why would you do that? I don't need to be in contact with the person I'm dating at all, actually. It just makes you look so needy if you actually have contact with the guy, especially on occasions like birthdays and Christmas. One time, my boyfriend went away for a year, and we didn't talk at all that whole time, but that was fine because we don't need constant contact to know that we love each other. He knows that I'll be here for him whenever he wants to see me, and I don't need any communication from him because I'm not needy and emotional like other girls.

littlebopeepp234 · 27/12/2023 10:06

taylorswift1989 · 27/12/2023 10:00

I mean, personally, I don't like to text with my boyfriend ever. If he ever calls and texts me, I'm like, omg why would you do that? I don't need to be in contact with the person I'm dating at all, actually. It just makes you look so needy if you actually have contact with the guy, especially on occasions like birthdays and Christmas. One time, my boyfriend went away for a year, and we didn't talk at all that whole time, but that was fine because we don't need constant contact to know that we love each other. He knows that I'll be here for him whenever he wants to see me, and I don't need any communication from him because I'm not needy and emotional like other girls.

Edited

Op’s point is that he was very communicative before he went away, then just dropped her like a hot potato when he went to see his family and didn’t even bother to respond to her at all apart from to say a measly “merry Christmas” in response to two thoughtful messages she had sent him beforehand.

I think even those people who say they don’t like texting all the time would be like ‘wtf’ if someone went from being a really good communicator to being really cold and just responding with 2 words that didn’t really answer a question you had made the time to bother asking THEM about themselves. It’s not so bad if from the start you’re a rubbish communicator but this guy had set the expectation very early on that he is a happy to text.

taylorswift1989 · 27/12/2023 10:07

littlebopeepp234 · 27/12/2023 10:06

Op’s point is that he was very communicative before he went away, then just dropped her like a hot potato when he went to see his family and didn’t even bother to respond to her at all apart from to say a measly “merry Christmas” in response to two thoughtful messages she had sent him beforehand.

I think even those people who say they don’t like texting all the time would be like ‘wtf’ if someone went from being a really good communicator to being really cold and just responding with 2 words that didn’t really answer a question you had made the time to bother asking THEM about themselves. It’s not so bad if from the start you’re a rubbish communicator but this guy had set the expectation very early on that he is a happy to text.

Show quote history

Dude. I was joking.

thatwassociopathic · 27/12/2023 10:11

I'm sorry OP but you're being slow faded here. Cut your losses now and retreat with your self respect intact. Sounds like this has come to a natural conclusion. Good luck

northernlight20 · 27/12/2023 10:11

Some ppl on here are just unbelievable. Op, yanbu. I would block and move on, he sounds like hard work.

Chuffaluffa · 27/12/2023 10:45

Ha - LOLLL!!! Who are these people 😂

Original poster
dontcook · 27/12/2023 10:55

I'm just by nature a polite person. Hence, the text response. And quite frankly, I won't feel great if his actions dictated how I respond. I will retain me and he can continue to be him.

Having slept over it, I won't be proceeding with the 'relationship.' He could have called me for a quick chat, but he possibly didn't because my polite and bland text was not what he wanted. I'm sure he wanted instant return to normalcy where I say something like 'I'm great, you won't believe that roast turned out quite well. And I got to speak with my old friend whom I told you about, so that was nice.' But I'm not going to do that because he's not entitled to my life story.

I'm not needy. I don't spend time on my phone waiting for communication from him. In fact, I felt he was light-speed responsive that I wanted to not take that for granted. I do fine in my own company and have a lot of interests and hobbies that keep me occupied. The old communication style was what he took a lead on and my participation was a privilege which he has now blown.

I go on one date a week because my work is demanding and I work till late. He comes for wealth and has employees so he has autonomy over his time. In the first two weeks, we had two dates a week which messed up my routine as they affected my next day at work.
However, I recently asked to work from home to allow me more flexibility and he knows. We've agreed that from the new year onwards, we would begin to do 2 dates a week again (one on a day when I work from home and the other over the weekend when he isn't visiting parents). This is the first time he is visiting his parents since I met him so first taste of what it could potentially be like.
Also, I wanted to date slowly and don't want to conflict regular physical meetups with someone being really into me. In the past (many years ago), I used to get love bombed so, slow and organic is more my style.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 27/12/2023 11:03

@dontcook I really admire you without knowing you. I honestly had the worse Christmas last year because I felt so forgotten by the man I loved. I spoke to him afterwards and said that I could have messaged him at anytime to call me ; that doesn't make someone feel valued and loved.
I think you are right and you know what you want and what you need. Thank you for sharing your update.

toomanyleggings · 27/12/2023 11:06

Men who don’t gift you and or don’t want to spend time with you on birthdays/ Christmas/ new year/ valentines are not interested. The reasons don’t matter. He’s a next

littlebopeepp234 · 27/12/2023 11:07

dontcook · 27/12/2023 10:55

I'm just by nature a polite person. Hence, the text response. And quite frankly, I won't feel great if his actions dictated how I respond. I will retain me and he can continue to be him.

Having slept over it, I won't be proceeding with the 'relationship.' He could have called me for a quick chat, but he possibly didn't because my polite and bland text was not what he wanted. I'm sure he wanted instant return to normalcy where I say something like 'I'm great, you won't believe that roast turned out quite well. And I got to speak with my old friend whom I told you about, so that was nice.' But I'm not going to do that because he's not entitled to my life story.

I'm not needy. I don't spend time on my phone waiting for communication from him. In fact, I felt he was light-speed responsive that I wanted to not take that for granted. I do fine in my own company and have a lot of interests and hobbies that keep me occupied. The old communication style was what he took a lead on and my participation was a privilege which he has now blown.

I go on one date a week because my work is demanding and I work till late. He comes for wealth and has employees so he has autonomy over his time. In the first two weeks, we had two dates a week which messed up my routine as they affected my next day at work.
However, I recently asked to work from home to allow me more flexibility and he knows. We've agreed that from the new year onwards, we would begin to do 2 dates a week again (one on a day when I work from home and the other over the weekend when he isn't visiting parents). This is the first time he is visiting his parents since I met him so first taste of what it could potentially be like.
Also, I wanted to date slowly and don't want to conflict regular physical meetups with someone being really into me. In the past (many years ago), I used to get love bombed so, slow and organic is more my style.

Well done op. This sends a clear signal of how you wish to be treated and that you shouldn’t lower your standards and accept bread crumbs from someone who clearly didn’t give you a second thought all Xmas, knowing that you would be on your own. It would be a deal breaker for me too

Comtesse · 27/12/2023 11:12

I just don’t think it’s a dumping offence, if other aspects are good.

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