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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not heard from him over Christmas. Am I a thing of convenience?

209 replies

dontcook · 25/12/2023 21:24

I've been going on dates with a man and we've been communicating a lot - daily texts throughout the days in between dates.
He planned to spend Christmas at his parents while I am spending Christmas on my own.
Since he got to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, he has gone silent.
He hasn't been texting me and I have also given him space except one text which I sent simply to wish him merry Christmas. He responded, simply saying Merry Christmas!

My mind is telling me that this is not a good sign as it feels the daily communication was happening because it was convenient for him not because he wants to feel connected to me, but I'm being cautious not to overthink it.
Christmas is a special time and the least people do is to let loved ones know they're in their thoughts even they are not together. I would have appreciated a text.

YABU He should not communicate at all since it is Christmas and he is with his family. He needs his time and space.

YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 26/12/2023 16:58

dontcook · 26/12/2023 16:31

I texted him on Christmas Eve, not on Christmas Day. And he sent that curt reply.
So, today's the third day where he hasn't initiated contact. I'm not asking for him to take me to space. A quick check-in while going to bed would be nice. It's not like he's sleeping in a cot next to his parents. He's a 45 year old man.
My priority is my job, so this is akin to me adopting a rule where I don't reply to his texts from Monday-Friday because I'm in work mode. It just isn't good enough for me.
We have a date booked for next week. It's still fairly new.

It's also ages since you initiated contact.

If you like the bloke, stop playing games.

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 17:05

YANBU It would be nice to have a man who doesn't put me on the back burner just because he is with family and I should see this as a red flag

This is like you asking us if it would be nice to have sprouts on your plate, and whether having sprouts on your plate is a red flag that you shouldn't eat them. We can't answer this, because it's about your own preferences, which can't be categorised as reasonable or unreasonable. If you want more (or less) contact with him, your actions can be reasonable or unreasonable, but the feeling can't. Put a brick through his window because you're not hearing as much as you'd like from him? Unreasonable. Stop dating him because you're not hearing as much as you'd like from him? Reasonable. The feeling is the same. The reaction needs to respect you, and anybody who is respectful to you, and that will always be reasonable.

2pence · 26/12/2023 17:05

I think you're probably right that he's not texting because he's occupied whereas he texts when working because he's not interacting with other people then.

Sometimes if you're staying with people 24/7 then the last thing you want to do is contact somebody else the moment you finally get some headspace.

He did reply so it's your turn. Ask him how his Christmas was. If you want more than a one word answer ask it with an open question. Tell me, How or one of the What, Who, Where options.

See how the next dates goes before you make your mind up that this is not the person for you. If you're trying to mould him to be exactly how you want, perhaps do him a favour and find someone closer to your ideals in the New Year.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 17:08

I’m missed the bit where he replied. Why wouldn’t you message him asking how his Christmas going? Just a simple neutral check in text?

harerunner · 26/12/2023 17:09

@Doteycat

That's a shame. It would be good to maybe reevaluate your thinking so. .its not healthy.

Being constantly in touch / pestering someone you've stated dating when they're with others isn't healthy at all!

Having said that, a single curt reply on Christmas Eve and nothing since isn't great, and I'd expect more.

Having said that if the OP also hasn't been in contact on Christmas Day, she's as bad, playing stupid games like a teenager!

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 17:10

StephanieLampshade · 26/12/2023 16:38

He is probably subconsciously testing you to see how you react.

Keep your cool.

He may well return all.the more enthusiastic.

People need to know they can have space and that their future partner can handle disagreements without aggression, sulking or drama.

I don't think this is unforgivable.

I think that's also known as mind games...
..

harerunner · 26/12/2023 17:11

dontcook · 26/12/2023 16:31

I texted him on Christmas Eve, not on Christmas Day. And he sent that curt reply.
So, today's the third day where he hasn't initiated contact. I'm not asking for him to take me to space. A quick check-in while going to bed would be nice. It's not like he's sleeping in a cot next to his parents. He's a 45 year old man.
My priority is my job, so this is akin to me adopting a rule where I don't reply to his texts from Monday-Friday because I'm in work mode. It just isn't good enough for me.
We have a date booked for next week. It's still fairly new.

So as he texted last, why haven't you checked in? You need to stop playing crazy mind games like you're 13.

Watchkeys · 26/12/2023 17:13

StephanieLampshade · 26/12/2023 16:38

He is probably subconsciously testing you to see how you react.

Keep your cool.

He may well return all.the more enthusiastic.

People need to know they can have space and that their future partner can handle disagreements without aggression, sulking or drama.

I don't think this is unforgivable.

Subconsciously testing people isn't something a psychologically healthy person needs to do, so whilst he might not be being deliberately unpleasant, it wouldn't be a good idea to become involved with him.

Nobody has to make a decision to 'keep their cool' with a new date who's behaving in a way they don't take to.

heartbroken40 · 26/12/2023 17:16

OP, please don't message him. My partner has a family and a really big job and he has from day one messaged me several times a day. Such a bloody excuse that he can't message you for a minute when he wakes up, goes for a wee etc . Sorry I don't buy it. He's not that into you that's it

LightSpeeds · 26/12/2023 17:18

Sorry but you're clearly not one of his 'loved ones'. He probably couldn't care less about you.

I was in a relationship like this (quite a long time ago). When Valentine's Day arrived without any plans, card, present or even acknowledgement, I ended it.

DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 17:24

He did text you. Xmas eve was one full day ago, not three 😄

muchalover · 26/12/2023 17:24

He doesn't need to make any excuses when so many people have posted for him on this thread already.

If he wanted to contact you, he would. If he is serious about securing your investment in a relationship, you would know it.

Make of it what you will.

NearlyMonday · 26/12/2023 17:25

StephanieLampshade · 26/12/2023 16:38

He is probably subconsciously testing you to see how you react.

Keep your cool.

He may well return all.the more enthusiastic.

People need to know they can have space and that their future partner can handle disagreements without aggression, sulking or drama.

I don't think this is unforgivable.

Do any of us want/need a partner who subconsciously tests us?!?

harerunner · 26/12/2023 17:39

heartbroken40 · 26/12/2023 17:16

OP, please don't message him. My partner has a family and a really big job and he has from day one messaged me several times a day. Such a bloody excuse that he can't message you for a minute when he wakes up, goes for a wee etc . Sorry I don't buy it. He's not that into you that's it

But she hasn't texted him?!? 🤷‍♀️

God, it's like being back in Year 7.

heartbroken40 · 26/12/2023 17:46

@harerunner some other posters are suggesting OP message him. I am STRONGLY advising not to. Men are simple creatures - they want something/someone they make their interest very clear.

Incognitoergosumlol · 26/12/2023 17:52

Am in a similar position - not heard from him since 20th. Fucked if I'm texting him...quite happy to keep myself busy with other things and he can do one.

samseen · 26/12/2023 17:55

DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 17:24

He did text you. Xmas eve was one full day ago, not three 😄

So, today's the third day where he hasn't Initiated contact.
Initiated being the key word here. That man hasn't sought me out since 23rd.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2023 17:58

Have you actually messaged him tho op? Sounds like you've messaged once to say MC and nothing else so it's not just on him

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2023 18:00

muchalover · 26/12/2023 17:24

He doesn't need to make any excuses when so many people have posted for him on this thread already.

If he wanted to contact you, he would. If he is serious about securing your investment in a relationship, you would know it.

Make of it what you will.

Not she hasn't text either

twilightcafe · 26/12/2023 18:00

He's married.

It takes, what 1 minute, to send a text to you.

DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 18:01

Name change fail, OP?

Original poster
dontcook · 26/12/2023 18:01

I do initiate contact with him. I'm not playing games. I'm just questioning his actions because he went from being highly communicative to zero contact. So, of course it feels like I'm not priority except it's convenient.
I don't intend to call him. And if he comes back without acknowledging that he's been silent and/or going to 100 communication, I will cut him off. I deserve a man who doesn't derive pleasure from testing me or fit me in only when self-serving and convenient.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2023 18:02

dontcook · 26/12/2023 16:31

I texted him on Christmas Eve, not on Christmas Day. And he sent that curt reply.
So, today's the third day where he hasn't initiated contact. I'm not asking for him to take me to space. A quick check-in while going to bed would be nice. It's not like he's sleeping in a cot next to his parents. He's a 45 year old man.
My priority is my job, so this is akin to me adopting a rule where I don't reply to his texts from Monday-Friday because I'm in work mode. It just isn't good enough for me.
We have a date booked for next week. It's still fairly new.

Je text you the same thing you text him

You: Merry Christmas
Him: Merry Christmas
You: ....... deafening silence

Original poster
dontcook · 26/12/2023 18:03

DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 18:01

Name change fail, OP?

Yes, apologies!

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 26/12/2023 18:04

God, when I’m with my family, I leave my phone and just spend time with them. OP, do you really need to be in constant touch? Why does a few days silence have to mean he’s not interested? Can it not just mean he has compartmentalised and is now in family mode? That doesn’t mean he isn’t interested!!

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