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Original poster

Partner says if he can’t smoke weed NYE I cannot have a drink

204 replies

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:10

Long story short partner smokes regularly. Won’t tell me how much but I assume few times a week. Gets snappy when he doesn’t smoke.
he compares his weed smoking to me drinking (I only drink when we are socialising never at home)
problem is now, when we socialise I use alcohol to bring me out my shell a bit, and also we are ALWAYS around his friends his family so it helps me feel more comfortable. I’ve told him to quit the weed and he says he will for me even though he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it because it’s “natural” and “legal in some states in the USA” (I don’t think this will happen) but only when I move in with him.
we had a compromise of him only smoking on the weekends, but it’s every single weekend and a bit annoying. Also when we go out with his friends/family he gets a “free pass” almost because he says if I’m drinking then he’s smoking.
what do I even say to this? Is he fair?
he is basically saying once he “quits” I am never allowed to have a social drink again when out with his friends…

OP posts:
Sunflowergirl1 · 23/12/2023 23:14

What do you see in him? Total arse and what a wonderful example smoking illegal substances.

Assume if you have kids he would see this as acceptable?

DidIMakeaMistake · 23/12/2023 23:16

What a loser!!! Get away from him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/12/2023 23:16

I don’t think it’s reasonable to tell another adult what they can do with their body - and ultimately it seems you agree because you don’t like being told that you shouldn’t drink alcohol. If you don’t agree with smoking weed or think his behaviour changes when he does, then you have the option of breaking up with him. Trying to dictate that he doesn’t smoke when he doesn’t agree with your viewpoint on it isn’t going to work. You’ll either have arguments like this, or he’ll hide it.

Wolfiefan · 23/12/2023 23:17

He won’t quit. Just bin him off. I bet your confidence would be better without him TBH.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 23/12/2023 23:20

Do you not think you deserve better than a druggie? He has no intention of quitting. He's trying to make a no drinking rule for you so you won't want him to quit. Get rid and raise your bar a lot higher.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/12/2023 23:21

His sentiment is exactly right in my eyes - alcohol is far more harmful than weed.

Both are addictive. Your both addicted to them as you clearly can’t socialise without your crutches.

Either both quit or both let the other one enjoy a bit of what relaxes them!

blackpanth · 23/12/2023 23:22

Cosmosforbreakfast · 23/12/2023 23:20

Do you not think you deserve better than a druggie? He has no intention of quitting. He's trying to make a no drinking rule for you so you won't want him to quit. Get rid and raise your bar a lot higher.

Nothing wrong with weed. Better than alcohol. He should be allowed to smoke if she can drink

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 23/12/2023 23:23

End the relationship and also stop relying on alcohol to relax you. People who do that get drunk and make arses of themselves.

where is the future with someone who acts like this/

WhimsicalMoth · 23/12/2023 23:24

I agree if you can drink he can smoke.
In my opinion, long term, alcohol causes much more issues.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 23:24

He is a manipulative controlling loser. Thank goodness you're not living together.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 23/12/2023 23:26

WhimsicalMoth · 23/12/2023 23:24

I agree if you can drink he can smoke.
In my opinion, long term, alcohol causes much more issues.

Can you be more specific with the comparisons between smoking tobacco with cannabis, and drinking alcohol occasionally?

SamW98 · 23/12/2023 23:27

If you don’t like his smoking why are you with him? I couldn’t be with someone who smoked weed but I would just not get involved, not meet them and then tell them to stop

Ita just going to become a game of power struggles between you - relationships shouldn’t be like this. It doesn’t shuns healthy dynamic imo

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:27

yes which is why we had a compromise that we can social drink/smoke. Occasionally. Rather than him smoking during the week / all week. But we want kids soon, and I really think it’s in our best interests for him not to smoke weed with children. Likewise, I won’t be going out drinking with children. Maybe our compromise could be to give both up completely once we have children. Just a note, I don’t get paralytic drunk, I have a few drinks as I most of the time don’t even want to be there.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 23/12/2023 23:28

Neither of you has a right to dictate to the other. And nobody quits anything because someone else tells them to.

You aren't compatible.

ChateauDuMont · 23/12/2023 23:28

How about you dump dope -y and dine yourself a man who isn't a complete and utter deadbeat loser?

ChateauDuMont · 23/12/2023 23:28

Find not dine ^

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:28

SamW98 · 23/12/2023 23:27

If you don’t like his smoking why are you with him? I couldn’t be with someone who smoked weed but I would just not get involved, not meet them and then tell them to stop

Ita just going to become a game of power struggles between you - relationships shouldn’t be like this. It doesn’t shuns healthy dynamic imo

Edited

He told me at the very beginning he probably wouldn’t smoke around me and that it wasn’t important to him.

OP posts:
Cosmosforbreakfast · 23/12/2023 23:29

Don't have kids with a druggie. The drugs will be his priority, you and your children will not.

CurlewKate · 23/12/2023 23:31

How does smoking affect his behaviour? How does drinking affect yours?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 23/12/2023 23:35

emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:28

He told me at the very beginning he probably wouldn’t smoke around me and that it wasn’t important to him.

Show quote history

Yet his reaction now indicates that it is. If you don't like what it does to him then you need to find someone else. He doesn't love you enough to give it up entirely just as you don't want to give up alcohol for him. It will always be the refuge he goes to unless he decides to ditch it. Do you want him going there every weekend when you have children?

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:36

CurlewKate · 23/12/2023 23:31

How does smoking affect his behaviour? How does drinking affect yours?

It’s more his behaviour when he doesn’t smoke is snappy and irritable

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 23/12/2023 23:36

I’m confused? You don’t live together, he is a drug addict who gets unpleasant when he can’t take drugs, he won’t give up drugs until you move in with him for some reason, but you don’t believe him anyway? You think he’s lying and won’t stop taking drugs.
you on the other hand need to drink alcohol just to be able to get through (very frequent)social events and youre not willing to give that up
….and you’re trying for children soon?

StSwithinsDay · 23/12/2023 23:38

Nothing wrong with weed.

It's illegal in a lot of countries. There are gangs making millions from dealing weed. People are tortured and murdered for drug debts. But let's pretend it's all good.

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 23/12/2023 23:38

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 23/12/2023 23:35

Yet his reaction now indicates that it is. If you don't like what it does to him then you need to find someone else. He doesn't love you enough to give it up entirely just as you don't want to give up alcohol for him. It will always be the refuge he goes to unless he decides to ditch it. Do you want him going there every weekend when you have children?

Show quote history

Alcohol is not important to me. I could very easily not go out and quit drinking all together. If I don’t go out with his friends and family I would never drink. I suspect he smokes every other day or every 3 days. He is irritable without it. It affects his behaviour when he does not smoke. Said I need to help him relax if he gives it up.

OP posts:
TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 23/12/2023 23:38

I think the comparison between alcohol and weed is fair. I also don't think it's right to tell another adult what they can do.

Focus on the problem. Why don't you like it? Does it make him dull or lazy? Are you worried about his health? Do you disapprove of illegal drug use?

Decide whether its a deal breaker for you, if so tell him. He can decide what he does and you get the right to choose whether you stay or go.

Personally I hate any smoking and more so weed. If my DH did it occasionally visiting friends I'd be fine with it but on a regular basis i would not.

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